I'm In LOVE!
I guess this should happen more times during the year, but tonight I was able to stop for a few minutes and contemplate just how in love I am:
...in love with my husband
He is truly unlike anyone else I know. He is honest, giving, caring, genuine, fun, dedicated, patient, discerning, loving, compassionate, humble - not necessarily in that order. But I could go on and on. I am most in love with him, though, not because of WHO he is, but because he is who G-D placed in my life to bless me and help me live to please the L-RD and minister to others.
...in love with my daughter
She is my pride. I truly had nothing to call "my own" of which I was truly proud until January 2007. But I want every human on earth to have the privilege of receiving the affection she so freely gives. To see her smile is to see G-D's own peace on earth. To feel her warm embrace is to know what true affection feels like. To experience her, with her warm kisses, her bright eyes, her infectious laugh, her sweet voice, her intelligent interaction is to experience a miracle. She is what we always prayed and pray for: a blessing.
...in love with my friends
I have great friends, probably the best on earth. They have seen me through so much and each one of them deserves a big ol' trophy to sit on the mantle just for putting up with me. I with I had more time to spend with them, but their affection for my husband and daughter fill my heart with peace that I have everything I need in my friends.
...in love with my job
Oh, how I love to say that! I have THE BEST job on earth. I teach private voice lessons as well as helping recording artists in studio and live performers. I LOVE my students, I really, truly do. They are devoted to their art, so I am devoted to them.
...in love with my L-RD
There is no better company to have with my 24-7 than my Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer. HE is worthy of ALL praise - because of WHO He is, because of WHAT He does (and has done) and because of HOW He is able. I am still breathing today because of His deep, devoted love and care for me. I would absolutely give up EVERYTHING and EVERYONE I have in order to have one more day with Him. He is worth the effort to face each day, to face each trial, to cry each tear, to fight each battle, to hold on tight.
...in love with my life
I am much more than blessed...there are no words for the life I live. It far exceeds any novel, any award-winning movie, any fairytale, any fantasy, any ideological life. My life is one of redemption, salvation, sustenance, comfort, compassion, care, peace, and ultimately: love. Not the emotion "love," but the action of "love." I am living proof that you cannot believe what you see, what you hear, what you read of love. I am proof that blessing doesn't only come to the deserving. I am proof that there truly is a G-D and He truly is involved with His creation. There are no explanations for my existence. There is only the miracle of life and love.
I know 2008 (which lies virtually minutes away from me) will not only be granted to me, but will be another wonderful addition to the spectacular miracle I already live. I only pray that those who do not yet know this peaceful hope will come to recognition before time is stopped forevermore.
This time last year, I really had no idea of the goals the L-RD would accomplish in my life. But as each year passes, I get more excited to see the miraculous wonders that only the Living G-D of Israel could accomplish. He is G-D - May His NAME forever be exalted!!!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Let Me Believe!
I don't know if you've even felt this way, but every once in a while, I feel like screaming to all who can hear: "Would you JUST LET ME BELIEVE???!!!"
It seems like so many people are so bent on defending their own theology, justifying their actions and "converting" others to their personal convictions, that they leave little to no room for an individual to come to a personal understanding.
Maybe I do the same thing without meaning to , but I promise you here and now, I DO NOT want to change your mind. Have you questioned something that seems noone else has? Have you felt convicted of something that noone else seems to recognize? Have you studied to be found approved - striving for the goal which is set before you, yet noone else seems to make issue of it? Excellent!
Welcome to the club...we are loners, we are seekers, trying to find our way, not show you yours.
Just please allow me to search out my own beliefs - to test EVERYTHING and hold on to what is GOOD. He who has ears, let him hear.
I don't know if you've even felt this way, but every once in a while, I feel like screaming to all who can hear: "Would you JUST LET ME BELIEVE???!!!"
It seems like so many people are so bent on defending their own theology, justifying their actions and "converting" others to their personal convictions, that they leave little to no room for an individual to come to a personal understanding.
Maybe I do the same thing without meaning to , but I promise you here and now, I DO NOT want to change your mind. Have you questioned something that seems noone else has? Have you felt convicted of something that noone else seems to recognize? Have you studied to be found approved - striving for the goal which is set before you, yet noone else seems to make issue of it? Excellent!
Welcome to the club...we are loners, we are seekers, trying to find our way, not show you yours.
Just please allow me to search out my own beliefs - to test EVERYTHING and hold on to what is GOOD. He who has ears, let him hear.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
The Process of Sickness: Part V (Finale: Girl, Interrupted)
First of all, if you haven't seen the movie "Girl, Interrupted," watch it. If you have suffered from, or know someone who has suffered from depression or other mental illnesses, it is quite accurate. If you know nothing of mental illness, please take this movie seriously...it is intense, but very realistic - besides the fact that it is based on a true story.
I had been sick. Since I was a young child, I had battled mental illness. As I understand it from other people who have suffered from major illnesses, I didn't recognize it for many years, until it finally overtook me. In college, I dealt with the "beast" head-on.
And I didn't win, but my G-d did.
During my last semester at college, I was making decisions about where to go. I knew I would be a teacher, but where, when and how was still up in the air. At this point, I really didn't care. I was so excited to be overcoming this illness that nothing really phased me anymore. I applied for at least 75 positions, none of which I got. So, I booked a ticked and planned to go home to Brazil to serve with mom and dad until something popped up. A few weeks before graduation in December, I got a call that a church needed some help, but only to start the following May. That was fine with me - I would just go home and help out for a few months, and then journey back state-side to continue whatever it was G-d had for me.
Those last months of college were so vital to me. I learned a lot of lessons. I learned that I could dream again, just like I did when I was a kid. I learned that if I really trusted G-d and gave Him everything, He would work things out beautifully. I dated a great guy who taught me that not all guys are alike, and there are some out there who can truly love you. Even though we broke up, and I had no stable job, I felt like I was at a beautiful time in my life - a time when I was protected under G-d's wings, loved by the right people, and focused on living and dreaming again.
In January, I was off to Brazil. My first task there was a training clinic where we would help lay-workers to be more efficient and have more resources for their ministries. I taught quite a few classes; music, education, youth....and even helped my mom with a "Love, Dating and Marriage" class. There was a guy in that class, Alessandro - kind of funny. Very smiley, but I thought he was a pain - everybody was always talking to him and paying attention to him instead of the class.
One day, while teaching about how to use the "dating game" as a lesson on waiting for the person G-d has for you, I called up volunteers. Alessandro happened to be standing beside me (by the way, this is on video). I talked about the importance of teaching teenagers not to give into sexual temptation as I had earlier in my life. I taught about how "G-d might have someone for you that you don't even know - could be standing right beside you."
Alessandro was also interested in teaching youth, so he came to my youth seminar. After it was over, he came up, gave me his phone number and said: "If you need any help with your ministry while you are here, just give me a call."
The very next week, we had a tragedy. A guy who worked for us on the boat (ministry boat on the Amazon), who was also the main youth director of the city (also named Alessandro), fell into the river and drowned. He had just talked to me a few days earlier about coming to speak at the next youth rally. But now, everything was up in the air. The city was in shock - no one was expecting this, much less the youth. So, I went to his church, and the first person to come up and meet me was - you guessed it, Alessandro from the training clinic. Come to find out, he and Alessandro were best friends. Alessandro looked at me and said, "We can't let the youth fall into despair, we still have to make this youth rally happen." So, we spent the next week planning. The 2 of us were in charge of the rally. And I had never noticed it before, but when he stood up in front of that huge crowd, G-d opened my eyes and showed me - this was him, the "him" I had been waiting for.
But I had a ticket back to the US for 3 months later. I had a job waiting on me. We prayed, studied, took personality tests and marriage counseling. Yep, we got engaged a few days before I flew out. We were engaged for 4 months (more time apart than when we were together) and I finished the job in the states and flew back to Brazil a week before we got married.
*Now, there is a lot more to this story, but I'll fill you in on that later.*
During those few months, I was being detoxed from all the meds. The doctors wanted to take a chance and see if I could deal with life without all the medication. Detoxing from that much in your system really takes a toll on you. But through it all, I had my parents there, my new found man, ministry, and.....a dream from childhood.....I was called to record my first cd. This is where I realized I had been a Girl, Interrupted.
I had spent so many years of my life worrying about my life, that I wasn't living. I had taken the reigns from my Creator and was attempting to control everything myself. But in the process of finding myself, my love and my dreams, I drove my life into the ground....I was impure sexually, I was mentally ill and I was only able to attempt a career by G-d's grace. But the minute I turned everything over to His command, the interruption ended. I was living again, loving again, ministering again and dreaming again.
So, here I am. At the end of the process, what is left is simply: a girl.
A girl with scars, but alive.
A girl who experiences pain, but lives with love.
A girl with dreams, sometimes interrupted, but always fulfilled.
I am nothing more than you are - a seeker, a traveler, a human.
There is only one reason you are able to read these words -
G-d has kept me here as He has kept You.
You might not want to admit it, or recognize it, or accept it, or give into it - but I have experienced it. It is true. He is real. You can feel Him. You can know Him. Right now, He is with You...waiting for you to stop interrupting what He has planned for you: LIFE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
First of all, if you haven't seen the movie "Girl, Interrupted," watch it. If you have suffered from, or know someone who has suffered from depression or other mental illnesses, it is quite accurate. If you know nothing of mental illness, please take this movie seriously...it is intense, but very realistic - besides the fact that it is based on a true story.
I had been sick. Since I was a young child, I had battled mental illness. As I understand it from other people who have suffered from major illnesses, I didn't recognize it for many years, until it finally overtook me. In college, I dealt with the "beast" head-on.
And I didn't win, but my G-d did.
During my last semester at college, I was making decisions about where to go. I knew I would be a teacher, but where, when and how was still up in the air. At this point, I really didn't care. I was so excited to be overcoming this illness that nothing really phased me anymore. I applied for at least 75 positions, none of which I got. So, I booked a ticked and planned to go home to Brazil to serve with mom and dad until something popped up. A few weeks before graduation in December, I got a call that a church needed some help, but only to start the following May. That was fine with me - I would just go home and help out for a few months, and then journey back state-side to continue whatever it was G-d had for me.
Those last months of college were so vital to me. I learned a lot of lessons. I learned that I could dream again, just like I did when I was a kid. I learned that if I really trusted G-d and gave Him everything, He would work things out beautifully. I dated a great guy who taught me that not all guys are alike, and there are some out there who can truly love you. Even though we broke up, and I had no stable job, I felt like I was at a beautiful time in my life - a time when I was protected under G-d's wings, loved by the right people, and focused on living and dreaming again.
In January, I was off to Brazil. My first task there was a training clinic where we would help lay-workers to be more efficient and have more resources for their ministries. I taught quite a few classes; music, education, youth....and even helped my mom with a "Love, Dating and Marriage" class. There was a guy in that class, Alessandro - kind of funny. Very smiley, but I thought he was a pain - everybody was always talking to him and paying attention to him instead of the class.
One day, while teaching about how to use the "dating game" as a lesson on waiting for the person G-d has for you, I called up volunteers. Alessandro happened to be standing beside me (by the way, this is on video). I talked about the importance of teaching teenagers not to give into sexual temptation as I had earlier in my life. I taught about how "G-d might have someone for you that you don't even know - could be standing right beside you."
Alessandro was also interested in teaching youth, so he came to my youth seminar. After it was over, he came up, gave me his phone number and said: "If you need any help with your ministry while you are here, just give me a call."
The very next week, we had a tragedy. A guy who worked for us on the boat (ministry boat on the Amazon), who was also the main youth director of the city (also named Alessandro), fell into the river and drowned. He had just talked to me a few days earlier about coming to speak at the next youth rally. But now, everything was up in the air. The city was in shock - no one was expecting this, much less the youth. So, I went to his church, and the first person to come up and meet me was - you guessed it, Alessandro from the training clinic. Come to find out, he and Alessandro were best friends. Alessandro looked at me and said, "We can't let the youth fall into despair, we still have to make this youth rally happen." So, we spent the next week planning. The 2 of us were in charge of the rally. And I had never noticed it before, but when he stood up in front of that huge crowd, G-d opened my eyes and showed me - this was him, the "him" I had been waiting for.
But I had a ticket back to the US for 3 months later. I had a job waiting on me. We prayed, studied, took personality tests and marriage counseling. Yep, we got engaged a few days before I flew out. We were engaged for 4 months (more time apart than when we were together) and I finished the job in the states and flew back to Brazil a week before we got married.
*Now, there is a lot more to this story, but I'll fill you in on that later.*
During those few months, I was being detoxed from all the meds. The doctors wanted to take a chance and see if I could deal with life without all the medication. Detoxing from that much in your system really takes a toll on you. But through it all, I had my parents there, my new found man, ministry, and.....a dream from childhood.....I was called to record my first cd. This is where I realized I had been a Girl, Interrupted.
I had spent so many years of my life worrying about my life, that I wasn't living. I had taken the reigns from my Creator and was attempting to control everything myself. But in the process of finding myself, my love and my dreams, I drove my life into the ground....I was impure sexually, I was mentally ill and I was only able to attempt a career by G-d's grace. But the minute I turned everything over to His command, the interruption ended. I was living again, loving again, ministering again and dreaming again.
So, here I am. At the end of the process, what is left is simply: a girl.
A girl with scars, but alive.
A girl who experiences pain, but lives with love.
A girl with dreams, sometimes interrupted, but always fulfilled.
I am nothing more than you are - a seeker, a traveler, a human.
There is only one reason you are able to read these words -
G-d has kept me here as He has kept You.
You might not want to admit it, or recognize it, or accept it, or give into it - but I have experienced it. It is true. He is real. You can feel Him. You can know Him. Right now, He is with You...waiting for you to stop interrupting what He has planned for you: LIFE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
The Process of Sickness: Part IV (Death's Door)
There were quite a few episodes where I tried to take my life, but only one made a real impact on me.
Date Unknown, Year 2000, My apartment, 3am, kitchen, alone:
I stood there with a tear-drenched face and a kitchen knife at my stomach. I was so ready to give up and push that sucker as hard as I could. People had prayed for me, spent time and money on me, tried to counsel me, tried to console me, given me meds, given me food......nothing was going to work. I know that now. My idea was that I would free everyone from the burden of me, and allow G-d to take me home (my delusional thoughts of suicide). I thought that if I went to be with Him, that would be the best option for everyone involved. I wanted to push that knife....and I did......
....but it didn't go in. Now I was just mad. I had mustered up enough courage to push and the stupid thing wouldn't go in, so I opened my mouth to scream at Him.....All of a sudden, my knees gave way and I fell hard, kneeling on the linoleum kitchen floor, my mouth opened, but only one word came out of my mouth: "Jesus"..........yeah, that sounds nice, right? One problem: I didn't say that. I didn't want to say that, my mouth did that without my mind's permission. So, I opened my mouth again: "Jesus".....My mind was racing: "What in the heck is wrong with me, that's not what I want to say!" I tried again...."Jesus"....and again "Jesus......I don't know how many times it happened. All I know is that I was no longer in charge. This wasn't about me anymore. I had no control over the knife, my hands, my knees, my mouth....something else, someOne else was in charge now....and the knife fell to the floor as a new river of tears rushed from my eyes. These were not the same tears as before, I can still feel them today...they were not hot angry tears, they were not thick, sticky, sad tears......they were cool, refreshing, cleansing tears.
*Years later, while learning about Jewish tradition and some Hebrew, I discovered the name of Jesus, "Yeshua," which literally translated is "salvation," and proves:
"Therefore GOD exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of "Yeshua," every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Yeshua the Messiah is LORD, to the glory of GOD, the Father." Philippians 2:9-11*
I can't tell you that my life changed from that day. It didn't. It took a long time. I had to drop out of school that semester because I couldn't keep up with classes. I had to leave my position as recording secretary in my sorority (fraternity, technically), and leave the girls hanging. I had to go back home to Brazil. I laid in a bed for a solid month. I'm sure I ate and bathed and all, my parents took great care of me, but I don't remember any of that. All I remember was laying there, watching TV, sleeping and reading my bible. And one day, it came to me, I have to "give" my life to the LORD. I mean really GIVE it to Him. Because it is beyond obvious that I can't do this alone. I can't take care of myself, I can't go to school, I can't face a single person - I can't do any of it. So, if I was supposed to live, then HE would have to live for me. I remember that I sat up in bed, swung my legs over the side and looked down at the floor and said:
"G-d, You have not allowed me what I want - death. You kept me alive and I don't know why. So, here's the deal I am willing to make. If You want me to live, then YOU have to do it all. I mean everything. I don't know how to wake up, when to eat, take a bath or take my meds, how to look people in the face, how not to cry at the drop of a hat, how not to hate myself, how not to kill myself, how to go to class, how to take notes, how to study, how to pass tests....I CAN'T DO IT. But if this is Your doing, and You are who You say You are, then YOU CAN. So, I'm not even going to try. I'm not going to say I can do anything. But if You make me do it, I will. So, if you want me to finish college - I promise you, that no matter what happens and whatever name they put on the diploma, I will know that it is Your name there. You will get ALL the praise and glory, because I know I deserve none. I deserve death, but You won't give me that. So, I give You what little there is left. Do what You want - but YOU DO IT."
And that was it. I knocked on death's door, but it was locked and bolted to me. I got up out of bed, walked out to the living room where my parents were surprised to see me. I looked at them and said, "I'm done. It's time to go back."
I went back to school. Got a job. Got elected as president of the fraternity, even though I had just left them hanging the year before. Took classes. Passed them. Had my senior recital go off without a hitch. Did my internship without fail. I woke up early every morning and drove to the schools I had to work at. Never late. Always bathed, medicated, full and feeling fine. I found a therapist who used scripture to keep me accountable. I got into weight lifting with a personal trainer and swimming lessons with a friend. I got my meds straightened out. But there was one final test before I would be allowed to walk at graduation.
All of the education majors were frustrated. The state board has decided to completely re-vamp the teacher certification exam. And they wouldn't let you take it till your last semester. In other words, if you didn't pass it the first time, you would have to take another semester of school in order to take the test again. Since I was now about a semester behind, people I knew were failing it left and right. There was no way to study for it. No precedents. I had one shot, or else I wouldn't graduate.
It was about a 4-hr long exam. Excruciating. They asked things we had NEVER studied. And they asked details...LOTS of details. I did my best, despite a student I knew from my college trying to cheat off me (she must have been nuts - trying to cheat off the girl who dropped out for mental illness!). About 3 weeks later, a few weeks before graduation, I went down to my mailbox. It was a Saturday morning, there was no one there. My box was on the row closest to the floor, so I knelt down, looked in the box, and there it was...the envelope with my scores.
While I was opening it, I said to G-d: "Here's Your moment."...and looked down in disbelief....I had passed.....with HIGH scores. It was over...finished. Tears of joy filled not only my eyes, but my heart. I thanked Him over and over and over. I had a huge smile and sat there, all alone, on that cold floor, on a Saturday morning realizing my life could now be categorized as a "miracle."
I graduated despite MANY people's disbelief, including my own. I had been ridiculed before as being "mediocre" and "incapable." Now, I was successful. Yet not I, but He who is in me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And we know that in all things GOD works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. "
Romans 8:28
There were quite a few episodes where I tried to take my life, but only one made a real impact on me.
Date Unknown, Year 2000, My apartment, 3am, kitchen, alone:
I stood there with a tear-drenched face and a kitchen knife at my stomach. I was so ready to give up and push that sucker as hard as I could. People had prayed for me, spent time and money on me, tried to counsel me, tried to console me, given me meds, given me food......nothing was going to work. I know that now. My idea was that I would free everyone from the burden of me, and allow G-d to take me home (my delusional thoughts of suicide). I thought that if I went to be with Him, that would be the best option for everyone involved. I wanted to push that knife....and I did......
....but it didn't go in. Now I was just mad. I had mustered up enough courage to push and the stupid thing wouldn't go in, so I opened my mouth to scream at Him.....All of a sudden, my knees gave way and I fell hard, kneeling on the linoleum kitchen floor, my mouth opened, but only one word came out of my mouth: "Jesus"..........yeah, that sounds nice, right? One problem: I didn't say that. I didn't want to say that, my mouth did that without my mind's permission. So, I opened my mouth again: "Jesus".....My mind was racing: "What in the heck is wrong with me, that's not what I want to say!" I tried again...."Jesus"....and again "Jesus......I don't know how many times it happened. All I know is that I was no longer in charge. This wasn't about me anymore. I had no control over the knife, my hands, my knees, my mouth....something else, someOne else was in charge now....and the knife fell to the floor as a new river of tears rushed from my eyes. These were not the same tears as before, I can still feel them today...they were not hot angry tears, they were not thick, sticky, sad tears......they were cool, refreshing, cleansing tears.
*Years later, while learning about Jewish tradition and some Hebrew, I discovered the name of Jesus, "Yeshua," which literally translated is "salvation," and proves:
"Therefore GOD exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of "Yeshua," every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Yeshua the Messiah is LORD, to the glory of GOD, the Father." Philippians 2:9-11*
I can't tell you that my life changed from that day. It didn't. It took a long time. I had to drop out of school that semester because I couldn't keep up with classes. I had to leave my position as recording secretary in my sorority (fraternity, technically), and leave the girls hanging. I had to go back home to Brazil. I laid in a bed for a solid month. I'm sure I ate and bathed and all, my parents took great care of me, but I don't remember any of that. All I remember was laying there, watching TV, sleeping and reading my bible. And one day, it came to me, I have to "give" my life to the LORD. I mean really GIVE it to Him. Because it is beyond obvious that I can't do this alone. I can't take care of myself, I can't go to school, I can't face a single person - I can't do any of it. So, if I was supposed to live, then HE would have to live for me. I remember that I sat up in bed, swung my legs over the side and looked down at the floor and said:
"G-d, You have not allowed me what I want - death. You kept me alive and I don't know why. So, here's the deal I am willing to make. If You want me to live, then YOU have to do it all. I mean everything. I don't know how to wake up, when to eat, take a bath or take my meds, how to look people in the face, how not to cry at the drop of a hat, how not to hate myself, how not to kill myself, how to go to class, how to take notes, how to study, how to pass tests....I CAN'T DO IT. But if this is Your doing, and You are who You say You are, then YOU CAN. So, I'm not even going to try. I'm not going to say I can do anything. But if You make me do it, I will. So, if you want me to finish college - I promise you, that no matter what happens and whatever name they put on the diploma, I will know that it is Your name there. You will get ALL the praise and glory, because I know I deserve none. I deserve death, but You won't give me that. So, I give You what little there is left. Do what You want - but YOU DO IT."
And that was it. I knocked on death's door, but it was locked and bolted to me. I got up out of bed, walked out to the living room where my parents were surprised to see me. I looked at them and said, "I'm done. It's time to go back."
I went back to school. Got a job. Got elected as president of the fraternity, even though I had just left them hanging the year before. Took classes. Passed them. Had my senior recital go off without a hitch. Did my internship without fail. I woke up early every morning and drove to the schools I had to work at. Never late. Always bathed, medicated, full and feeling fine. I found a therapist who used scripture to keep me accountable. I got into weight lifting with a personal trainer and swimming lessons with a friend. I got my meds straightened out. But there was one final test before I would be allowed to walk at graduation.
All of the education majors were frustrated. The state board has decided to completely re-vamp the teacher certification exam. And they wouldn't let you take it till your last semester. In other words, if you didn't pass it the first time, you would have to take another semester of school in order to take the test again. Since I was now about a semester behind, people I knew were failing it left and right. There was no way to study for it. No precedents. I had one shot, or else I wouldn't graduate.
It was about a 4-hr long exam. Excruciating. They asked things we had NEVER studied. And they asked details...LOTS of details. I did my best, despite a student I knew from my college trying to cheat off me (she must have been nuts - trying to cheat off the girl who dropped out for mental illness!). About 3 weeks later, a few weeks before graduation, I went down to my mailbox. It was a Saturday morning, there was no one there. My box was on the row closest to the floor, so I knelt down, looked in the box, and there it was...the envelope with my scores.
While I was opening it, I said to G-d: "Here's Your moment."...and looked down in disbelief....I had passed.....with HIGH scores. It was over...finished. Tears of joy filled not only my eyes, but my heart. I thanked Him over and over and over. I had a huge smile and sat there, all alone, on that cold floor, on a Saturday morning realizing my life could now be categorized as a "miracle."
I graduated despite MANY people's disbelief, including my own. I had been ridiculed before as being "mediocre" and "incapable." Now, I was successful. Yet not I, but He who is in me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And we know that in all things GOD works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. "
Romans 8:28
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The Process of Sickness - Part III (IT IS HERE)
*I'll start by telling you, "I don't remember." It is important for you to understand, I have lost parts of my memory based on the story you are about to hear. So, it might seem incoherent, obscure and mangled, but it is what it is.*
During my third year in school, I lived alone in my apartment. My friends started noticing something was wrong with me. Sometimes I didn't show up for class. Sometimes I didn't call them. But I was always a bit unpredictable, so no one really said anything. I felt something going on, but I didn't know what it was. I was sad...a LOT. I would cry every time I was alone. I didn't want to go to class. I was getting behind in all my work and feeling pressured, overloaded. Migraines were a norm now. My new couple of friends who lived down the hall would come over to find me vomiting on the floor. I was becoming a recluse and no one knew why, including me.
At the same time, I was good at my own bluff. I was youth/music director for a small church, always preparing and doing stuff with the kids. I pulled my friends in to help and they always said it was a blast. But this thing was tugging at me. During music practice one day, I just broke down. During choir, I would frequently have to excuse myself in crying fits. During concerts, I would sit down among the sea of black performance outfits and huddle into my own mind. During classes, I would keep my head buried in a book or my own notes would drift off into nonsense.
My constant frame of mind consisted of: "I am worthless. I am ugly. I'm in pain. I am useless. I am weak. I can't stop crying. I am dumb. I can't sing. I'm unlovable. I'm sad. I'm a sinner. What's wrong with me? I am losing my mind...." My friends experienced the worst of me - coming over to my place and it would be a wreck; a week's worth of dirty dishes piled up, clothes scattered everywhere and me in a trance on the couch in front of the TV. I didn't know what day it was. Didn't remember if I had slept or eaten or even taken a shower. Sometimes I would do things 3 or 4 times in a row because I couldn't remember if I had already done it. I would either sleep for days at a time, or not sleep at all. I couldn't remember when I had class. I couldn't hardly make myself go when I did remember. I could just imagine everyone looking at me when I walked in - and I just couldn't show my face. I was invited to a very special wedding one weekend, where we had to sit in the front row. At the reception, I found the furthest wall away from the action. I literally glued myself up against it while I shook with fear of every person in that room. My friend was with me who noticed I wasn't well and took me home.
I'll never forget the day that one of my friends became the truest of them all. We were in bowling class together. I was studying for a test for my next class. But I was so stressed out, I couldn't' see the words in the book for all of my tears. "N" came over to me. How I love him for what he was about to do to me. He asked me why I was crying. I told him I was about to fail a test and I couldn't miss any more classes because I had already missed so many. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: "Rachel, you are going to the school's psychologist and I am taking you right now." I was so mad at him at that moment, but he wasn't backing down. He literally dragged me up to the third floor of the student center where everything became clear.
The psychologist gave me a depression test - usually scores can be up to 15 points or so, though a normal score would be 5-10. I scored a 42. He told me I was clinically depressed and needed to be admitted to the diagnostic program of the psychiatric ward in the capital of our state. I refused. I told him I was fine. I had no family anywhere nearby and all I had at school were my friends and I was not about to leave them. So, he forced me to sign a contract that I would continue coming to see him and to seek out medical help to put me on antidepressants.
The next phase is so blurry to me. But what I can tell you is that 3 doctor's were put on my case. They started me with a normal dosage of a light antidepressant. They kept raising the dosage, but nothing happened. They would change me from one to another, raising dosages and eventually started mixing drugs. I became quite familiar with: prozac, wellbutrin, zoloft, serzone and paxil. At one point, I was taking 4 of these at the same time. I gained and lost weight quite regularly. My appetite would increase and decrease daily. And, I started to really lose my memory. The idea of self mutilation and suicide became a constant.
I remember my parents finding out. They came to visit me and I was shaking all over. They went to the psychologist with me and he forced me to show them my forearms which I had cut and scratched and left obvious scars. I remember just becoming even more sad because now I was hurting them too.
I remember being up late at night wondering if this would be the night I would really do it - I would really commit suicide. But most of the time, some friend would come by and distract me with an outing to the mall or to get something to eat.
I remember throwing myself and the feet of my friend - the one who was my twin, the one who I was in love with - and screaming to him to help me. It was raining. He sat on the steps of his dorm praying, while I wallowed in my own tears and the mud in the field in front of him. He left my life at that moment. I know that because he didn't know what to do - so he didn't do anything. Somewhere around that time, we were coming back from an overnight at a friend's house. I drove him back to his dorm. He never spoke to me again. We passed each other by on campus, but never said a word. It was like we had never even met. About a year later, the week before he graduated, he stopped me on the street; said he was sorry. I said OK. And I haven't heard from him since. It has been over 7 years.
I'm sorry I can't give you a complete and detailed story of this time of my life. But that it the point. My secrets had caught up with me. The moment I had always dreaded had come. Now it was out there for everyone to see - I was nothing. I was NOT smart. I was NOT funny. I was NOT spiritual. I was NOT strong. I was NOT lovable. I was not anything I had pretended to be all those years. I had lost control and now my life was quickly spiralling to its end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 Peter 1:6-7 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Yeshua (Jesus) the Messiah is revealed.
*I'll start by telling you, "I don't remember." It is important for you to understand, I have lost parts of my memory based on the story you are about to hear. So, it might seem incoherent, obscure and mangled, but it is what it is.*
During my third year in school, I lived alone in my apartment. My friends started noticing something was wrong with me. Sometimes I didn't show up for class. Sometimes I didn't call them. But I was always a bit unpredictable, so no one really said anything. I felt something going on, but I didn't know what it was. I was sad...a LOT. I would cry every time I was alone. I didn't want to go to class. I was getting behind in all my work and feeling pressured, overloaded. Migraines were a norm now. My new couple of friends who lived down the hall would come over to find me vomiting on the floor. I was becoming a recluse and no one knew why, including me.
At the same time, I was good at my own bluff. I was youth/music director for a small church, always preparing and doing stuff with the kids. I pulled my friends in to help and they always said it was a blast. But this thing was tugging at me. During music practice one day, I just broke down. During choir, I would frequently have to excuse myself in crying fits. During concerts, I would sit down among the sea of black performance outfits and huddle into my own mind. During classes, I would keep my head buried in a book or my own notes would drift off into nonsense.
My constant frame of mind consisted of: "I am worthless. I am ugly. I'm in pain. I am useless. I am weak. I can't stop crying. I am dumb. I can't sing. I'm unlovable. I'm sad. I'm a sinner. What's wrong with me? I am losing my mind...." My friends experienced the worst of me - coming over to my place and it would be a wreck; a week's worth of dirty dishes piled up, clothes scattered everywhere and me in a trance on the couch in front of the TV. I didn't know what day it was. Didn't remember if I had slept or eaten or even taken a shower. Sometimes I would do things 3 or 4 times in a row because I couldn't remember if I had already done it. I would either sleep for days at a time, or not sleep at all. I couldn't remember when I had class. I couldn't hardly make myself go when I did remember. I could just imagine everyone looking at me when I walked in - and I just couldn't show my face. I was invited to a very special wedding one weekend, where we had to sit in the front row. At the reception, I found the furthest wall away from the action. I literally glued myself up against it while I shook with fear of every person in that room. My friend was with me who noticed I wasn't well and took me home.
I'll never forget the day that one of my friends became the truest of them all. We were in bowling class together. I was studying for a test for my next class. But I was so stressed out, I couldn't' see the words in the book for all of my tears. "N" came over to me. How I love him for what he was about to do to me. He asked me why I was crying. I told him I was about to fail a test and I couldn't miss any more classes because I had already missed so many. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: "Rachel, you are going to the school's psychologist and I am taking you right now." I was so mad at him at that moment, but he wasn't backing down. He literally dragged me up to the third floor of the student center where everything became clear.
The psychologist gave me a depression test - usually scores can be up to 15 points or so, though a normal score would be 5-10. I scored a 42. He told me I was clinically depressed and needed to be admitted to the diagnostic program of the psychiatric ward in the capital of our state. I refused. I told him I was fine. I had no family anywhere nearby and all I had at school were my friends and I was not about to leave them. So, he forced me to sign a contract that I would continue coming to see him and to seek out medical help to put me on antidepressants.
The next phase is so blurry to me. But what I can tell you is that 3 doctor's were put on my case. They started me with a normal dosage of a light antidepressant. They kept raising the dosage, but nothing happened. They would change me from one to another, raising dosages and eventually started mixing drugs. I became quite familiar with: prozac, wellbutrin, zoloft, serzone and paxil. At one point, I was taking 4 of these at the same time. I gained and lost weight quite regularly. My appetite would increase and decrease daily. And, I started to really lose my memory. The idea of self mutilation and suicide became a constant.
I remember my parents finding out. They came to visit me and I was shaking all over. They went to the psychologist with me and he forced me to show them my forearms which I had cut and scratched and left obvious scars. I remember just becoming even more sad because now I was hurting them too.
I remember being up late at night wondering if this would be the night I would really do it - I would really commit suicide. But most of the time, some friend would come by and distract me with an outing to the mall or to get something to eat.
I remember throwing myself and the feet of my friend - the one who was my twin, the one who I was in love with - and screaming to him to help me. It was raining. He sat on the steps of his dorm praying, while I wallowed in my own tears and the mud in the field in front of him. He left my life at that moment. I know that because he didn't know what to do - so he didn't do anything. Somewhere around that time, we were coming back from an overnight at a friend's house. I drove him back to his dorm. He never spoke to me again. We passed each other by on campus, but never said a word. It was like we had never even met. About a year later, the week before he graduated, he stopped me on the street; said he was sorry. I said OK. And I haven't heard from him since. It has been over 7 years.
I'm sorry I can't give you a complete and detailed story of this time of my life. But that it the point. My secrets had caught up with me. The moment I had always dreaded had come. Now it was out there for everyone to see - I was nothing. I was NOT smart. I was NOT funny. I was NOT spiritual. I was NOT strong. I was NOT lovable. I was not anything I had pretended to be all those years. I had lost control and now my life was quickly spiralling to its end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 Peter 1:6-7 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Yeshua (Jesus) the Messiah is revealed.
The Process of Sin - Part II (In Hiding)
*This is a continuation of the telling of my life story - previous posts in this story can be found from Dec 05-May 06.*
I had made it. It was a tough road, but I graduated High School (the second semester of college) and was now in the groove at my university. My parents were back living overseas and the closest family members I had were states away. But here, I had made some really fun friends. People who were calm, easy-going, not stressed out and just fun to be with. Actually, to me, that in and of itself was a big accomplishment. I had always created so much drama around me and had befriended people who were the same way, that it was nice to be part of this fun-loving group. And I can honestly say, I loved them. I still do. But as comfortable as I was, I was still in hiding. I was hiding a terrible secret. I was definitely hiding it from my family. I was even hiding it from this group of friends. I was trying to hide it from myself. But that moment came every night...when I would lay my head down on my pillow....I ran from this moment.....there were countless nights I wouldn't even allow myself to lay down until I knew I would go straight to sleep....all out of fear of this moment....the moment when the secret came out of the closet in my mind to haunt me.
I had been around the block, so to speak, the first year or so of college. I had some make-out sessions here and there and didn't think much of it. Girls will be girls....I was just being normal, right? I mean, my roomate was talking about marrying her boyfriend. My suitemates were all in relationships. This was just normal.
By my second year, I had found my little, but secure niche. We were a group of 4 - two girls and two guys. We had other friends who we would hang out with from time to time, but we were the core of our group. Three of us were in dorm rooms, so we would always go hang out at our friends' apartments. We were always together. But there was one who I was particularly fond of - in the beginning, it was a sincere and complete friendship. We were 2 peas in a pod. We did EVERYTHING together. We laughed at the same movies, ate the same food, told the same kinds of stories. Sometimes I still cry, remembering how beautiful it was to have such a friendship. But old habits die hard. I started to obsess over something more than a friendship with him.
I knew me. I knew how much I had always longed for affection. The funny thing is, the only time in our relationship that we ever had anything romantic was at the very beginning, the first week we met. But it fizzled out and we recognized how much we just wanted to be friends. I thought I would be ok with that, but living most every moment with this guy was like provoking the "old" me to come out and fight. The "old" me was the one who was sick, who was perverted, who tried to commit suicide at 15 (in my room with a pocket knife). I wasn't that person anymore, I COULDN'T BE that person anymore. I couldn't risk this wonderful friendship for desires of my past. So, I tried to keep silent, but my actions spoke louder. Everyone who knew me, KNEW I was in love with my friend. And I think he knew it too. He just didn't say anything.
I supressed my beast......"NO, I do not want to date my best friend. NO, I do not want to get sad about my life. NO, I do not want to quit living. NO, NO, NO!!!" I tried to beat it down within me. I tried to pray it away. I tried to distract myself with plenty of activities and school. I took up to 21 hours of classes (12 is the minimum, 15 is the norm). I had concerts, recitals, papers, exams. I was strong now.....look where I had come from. "There is NO WAY I am giving into weakness. I am NOT weak!"
Here's where it gets hairy. Here is where my memory starts to fail. Here is where the rubber met the road - life or death - and I couldn't supress it anymore...the secret was coming to the surface and there was nothing I could do to hold it back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ephesians 5:15-16 Be careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
*This is a continuation of the telling of my life story - previous posts in this story can be found from Dec 05-May 06.*
I had made it. It was a tough road, but I graduated High School (the second semester of college) and was now in the groove at my university. My parents were back living overseas and the closest family members I had were states away. But here, I had made some really fun friends. People who were calm, easy-going, not stressed out and just fun to be with. Actually, to me, that in and of itself was a big accomplishment. I had always created so much drama around me and had befriended people who were the same way, that it was nice to be part of this fun-loving group. And I can honestly say, I loved them. I still do. But as comfortable as I was, I was still in hiding. I was hiding a terrible secret. I was definitely hiding it from my family. I was even hiding it from this group of friends. I was trying to hide it from myself. But that moment came every night...when I would lay my head down on my pillow....I ran from this moment.....there were countless nights I wouldn't even allow myself to lay down until I knew I would go straight to sleep....all out of fear of this moment....the moment when the secret came out of the closet in my mind to haunt me.
I had been around the block, so to speak, the first year or so of college. I had some make-out sessions here and there and didn't think much of it. Girls will be girls....I was just being normal, right? I mean, my roomate was talking about marrying her boyfriend. My suitemates were all in relationships. This was just normal.
By my second year, I had found my little, but secure niche. We were a group of 4 - two girls and two guys. We had other friends who we would hang out with from time to time, but we were the core of our group. Three of us were in dorm rooms, so we would always go hang out at our friends' apartments. We were always together. But there was one who I was particularly fond of - in the beginning, it was a sincere and complete friendship. We were 2 peas in a pod. We did EVERYTHING together. We laughed at the same movies, ate the same food, told the same kinds of stories. Sometimes I still cry, remembering how beautiful it was to have such a friendship. But old habits die hard. I started to obsess over something more than a friendship with him.
I knew me. I knew how much I had always longed for affection. The funny thing is, the only time in our relationship that we ever had anything romantic was at the very beginning, the first week we met. But it fizzled out and we recognized how much we just wanted to be friends. I thought I would be ok with that, but living most every moment with this guy was like provoking the "old" me to come out and fight. The "old" me was the one who was sick, who was perverted, who tried to commit suicide at 15 (in my room with a pocket knife). I wasn't that person anymore, I COULDN'T BE that person anymore. I couldn't risk this wonderful friendship for desires of my past. So, I tried to keep silent, but my actions spoke louder. Everyone who knew me, KNEW I was in love with my friend. And I think he knew it too. He just didn't say anything.
I supressed my beast......"NO, I do not want to date my best friend. NO, I do not want to get sad about my life. NO, I do not want to quit living. NO, NO, NO!!!" I tried to beat it down within me. I tried to pray it away. I tried to distract myself with plenty of activities and school. I took up to 21 hours of classes (12 is the minimum, 15 is the norm). I had concerts, recitals, papers, exams. I was strong now.....look where I had come from. "There is NO WAY I am giving into weakness. I am NOT weak!"
Here's where it gets hairy. Here is where my memory starts to fail. Here is where the rubber met the road - life or death - and I couldn't supress it anymore...the secret was coming to the surface and there was nothing I could do to hold it back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ephesians 5:15-16 Be careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I love those epic movies about some war that had to be fought. All the soldiers go in with their sword and their courage, and the few, strong and brave see it though to the end. I never really stopped to think about the feeling they might have after winning a war. Yeah, you won, good. But in the process, hundreds or thousands of people lost their lives and there is a HUGE mess to be cleaned up. So, was the cause really worth the price? Is the victory worth the battle?
Well, anyway, I just came out on the other side of one of my own battles. It wasn't fought on a grassy knoll with swords or spears. It wasn't against an army of painted warriors. It wasn't really even life or death. It was not funny. It was not within the 20-min time frame. And, I don't want to hit rewind to see it again.
Nonetheless, it was a battle that needed to be fought. I had to muster up enough courage to see it through. And even though I am a little worn and torn, I can confidently tell you: Yes, it was worth the price. When we have to fight against the armies inside of us and inside of relationships we have created, we have to be prepared for a tough battle. Battling ourselves on our own terms with our own acknowledgement is maybe one of the toughest battles there is. Because the enemy doesn't die (at least not yet). The enemy in our minds and will is still there. And we know we will have to face it again. Thankfully, my strength is not my own - it was lovingly loaned to me for such times as these. So, it was worth the price, for the simple fact that I did it. And I am walking away from a bloodied field that will etch itself into my mind for the rest of my life as a reminder to not walk that way again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Col. 1:21-23a Once you were alienated from GOD and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Messiah's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation– if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven
Well, anyway, I just came out on the other side of one of my own battles. It wasn't fought on a grassy knoll with swords or spears. It wasn't against an army of painted warriors. It wasn't really even life or death. It was not funny. It was not within the 20-min time frame. And, I don't want to hit rewind to see it again.
Nonetheless, it was a battle that needed to be fought. I had to muster up enough courage to see it through. And even though I am a little worn and torn, I can confidently tell you: Yes, it was worth the price. When we have to fight against the armies inside of us and inside of relationships we have created, we have to be prepared for a tough battle. Battling ourselves on our own terms with our own acknowledgement is maybe one of the toughest battles there is. Because the enemy doesn't die (at least not yet). The enemy in our minds and will is still there. And we know we will have to face it again. Thankfully, my strength is not my own - it was lovingly loaned to me for such times as these. So, it was worth the price, for the simple fact that I did it. And I am walking away from a bloodied field that will etch itself into my mind for the rest of my life as a reminder to not walk that way again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Col. 1:21-23a Once you were alienated from GOD and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Messiah's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation– if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
The 3 Sins of the Everyday American
*Allow me preface these thoughts by saying, I do classify myself in this category (Everyday American) - at least in this instance.
I have just been thinking lately about what kinds of "black holes" we get pulled into, at least in our society. And this is what I see:
1. lack of interest
2. poor communication
3. failure to take responsibility
I feel like most of the "injustices" that occur in this culture are somehow related to these ideas. And I catch myself in them quite frequently.
LACK OF INTEREST: Now, don't get me wrong, we are very interested...in ourselves. We have every kind of self-help book possible, it is a common occurrence for someone to regularly see a psychologist/life coach/clergy for personal problems. And the amount of money we pour into unnecessary medical procedures, cosmetics, appearance (clothes and hair), diet and exercise programs (that we rarely actually use) is absurd. But true interest (spending time and effort) in G-d, scripture and other people (yes, even those who are not our immediate family or close friends) is far too little and inconsistent. We are generally not interested in the important life or death issues that surround us daily. What a shame.
POOR COMMUNICATION: OK, now, I am a witness to the fact that most people I know my age (college/young adult) are abundantly better at communicating what we really want to say than those who preceded us, but that is not my point. We have specialized the art of communicating what best serves us and not the absolute truth. We use communication to protect ourselves and hopefully "outtalk" the other person, so that the end of the conversation will prove our beginning point. We also spend way too much time justifying our actions instead of hearing out the other person's true feelings ...and sometimes, even our own true feelings. What a shame.
FAILURE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: This ties into the previous idea of justifying ourselves and our actions. But it entails more. We have this very scary idea that we are victims of circumstance. "I am this way because of: my parents, my upbringing, my financial situation, my job, my enemies, the enemy....." We could keep that up forever. There will always be a multitude of outside influences to blame our actions on - but those are generally not to blame. We are responsible for our "yeses" and "nos." We make the decisions of how we will live, and contrary to popular belief, I believe we make the decisions on how people will perceive us. No, we cannot be held responsible for what decisions people make in their own minds, but we are responsible for the decisions we make daily that affect their perceptions. Anyway, I digress. I have noticed, at least in the little world that I live in, that people generally do not want to take responsibility for something that their decisions/actions made happen. What a shame.
So, I feel shamed now. I don't mean to make you feel shamed. But, I do like to see the reality of who I am, so that I can make the all too important decisions of changing - -for, behold, HE comes.
*Allow me preface these thoughts by saying, I do classify myself in this category (Everyday American) - at least in this instance.
I have just been thinking lately about what kinds of "black holes" we get pulled into, at least in our society. And this is what I see:
1. lack of interest
2. poor communication
3. failure to take responsibility
I feel like most of the "injustices" that occur in this culture are somehow related to these ideas. And I catch myself in them quite frequently.
LACK OF INTEREST: Now, don't get me wrong, we are very interested...in ourselves. We have every kind of self-help book possible, it is a common occurrence for someone to regularly see a psychologist/life coach/clergy for personal problems. And the amount of money we pour into unnecessary medical procedures, cosmetics, appearance (clothes and hair), diet and exercise programs (that we rarely actually use) is absurd. But true interest (spending time and effort) in G-d, scripture and other people (yes, even those who are not our immediate family or close friends) is far too little and inconsistent. We are generally not interested in the important life or death issues that surround us daily. What a shame.
POOR COMMUNICATION: OK, now, I am a witness to the fact that most people I know my age (college/young adult) are abundantly better at communicating what we really want to say than those who preceded us, but that is not my point. We have specialized the art of communicating what best serves us and not the absolute truth. We use communication to protect ourselves and hopefully "outtalk" the other person, so that the end of the conversation will prove our beginning point. We also spend way too much time justifying our actions instead of hearing out the other person's true feelings ...and sometimes, even our own true feelings. What a shame.
FAILURE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: This ties into the previous idea of justifying ourselves and our actions. But it entails more. We have this very scary idea that we are victims of circumstance. "I am this way because of: my parents, my upbringing, my financial situation, my job, my enemies, the enemy....." We could keep that up forever. There will always be a multitude of outside influences to blame our actions on - but those are generally not to blame. We are responsible for our "yeses" and "nos." We make the decisions of how we will live, and contrary to popular belief, I believe we make the decisions on how people will perceive us. No, we cannot be held responsible for what decisions people make in their own minds, but we are responsible for the decisions we make daily that affect their perceptions. Anyway, I digress. I have noticed, at least in the little world that I live in, that people generally do not want to take responsibility for something that their decisions/actions made happen. What a shame.
So, I feel shamed now. I don't mean to make you feel shamed. But, I do like to see the reality of who I am, so that I can make the all too important decisions of changing - -for, behold, HE comes.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
September 16, 2007 - Sunday
The Other Side of the Mountain
Current mood: discontent
Lately I have been thinking a lot about how we progress in life. It seems like we work so hard to climb mountains - and most of the time, we succeed. But what happens on the other side of the mountain?
Church was the first thing that came to mind. The United States of America is obviously a blessed nation. And once you do any kind of international travel, you can immediately notice the impact America has made on other countries. In the way of missions, the world has literally been entirely blessed because of decades of dedicated American missionaries. And now that there is a church on ever corner in the US, now that every church has reached their "quota" of 5 missionaries they "support," now that the majority of Americans consider themselves "Christians," what happens? Did we fail to realize that we scaled a mountain and are now on the other side of the peak?
It seems to me that being a "Christian" or going to church (or whatever you call it) has become cultural. We do it because everybody does it. We do it because it is expected. We do it because we are raised to know that that is right and good and shows some sort of respectability. We are coasting now that the "big job" is done.
But is the "faith" still really there? Or are there just chairs and pews full of people spiritually side-tracked by work, family, money and success?
I have noticed, not only in Brazil, that people in other countries - especially 3rd world countries (not all, but quite a few) seem to go to church, or are "believers" because they have to be...they need to be. Not because it is expected, or cultural, or right and good, but because they have a soul-filled desire to draw near to their Creator. And the peak of the mountain is irrelevant....they will continue to live out their faith in daily actions because they have a real, true relationship with the Almighty. If they are scaling a mountain or relaxing in the valley, their faith remains evident and consistent - not complacent.
I've gotten all those silly emails - "If you LOVE GOD, then you will send this on to 10 other people," "If you are not ashamed, you will forward this to all your friends no matter what they think," "If you are truly my friend, you will email this back to me"......HUH????...If you don't know who I am and what I believe by my lifestyle, how is an email gonna change that? And if GOD doesn't know, well....there's the problem.
Ok, truth...............you know what really bothers me? What really erks the essence of my soul?.....A lot of people I know who are TRUE believers, who truly want to do what is right and have a firm relationship with GOD - these wonderful GODLY people ACTUALLY BELIEVE that everyone (or almost everyone) they see in their church on Sunday is there for the same reason they are. They believe someone who calls themself a "Christian" without a second thought. They don't stop to think that many Americans relied on their ancestors who have scaled over the evangelistic mountaintop, and now they are just sailing; coasting through life.
We have all these great stories of spiritual heroes of our faith who made the United States known for belief in the ONE TRUE AND LIVING GOD in three persons. Yet the majority of our population have not met Him....do NOT know Him.....think that being a believer is being good and going to church. You can tell...."by their fruits".....if you just look at their lives, the way they talk, where they put their faith when things are tough...it becomes as obvious as noontime sunlight.
Oh, the small group of faithful who will gather together on the other side of the mountaintop....the other side of the river. I shudder to think who will NOT be there.
And, *deep sigh*, am I doing my part so that those I know, whether they claim to be believers or not, will be there with me?
The Other Side of the Mountain
Current mood: discontent
Lately I have been thinking a lot about how we progress in life. It seems like we work so hard to climb mountains - and most of the time, we succeed. But what happens on the other side of the mountain?
Church was the first thing that came to mind. The United States of America is obviously a blessed nation. And once you do any kind of international travel, you can immediately notice the impact America has made on other countries. In the way of missions, the world has literally been entirely blessed because of decades of dedicated American missionaries. And now that there is a church on ever corner in the US, now that every church has reached their "quota" of 5 missionaries they "support," now that the majority of Americans consider themselves "Christians," what happens? Did we fail to realize that we scaled a mountain and are now on the other side of the peak?
It seems to me that being a "Christian" or going to church (or whatever you call it) has become cultural. We do it because everybody does it. We do it because it is expected. We do it because we are raised to know that that is right and good and shows some sort of respectability. We are coasting now that the "big job" is done.
But is the "faith" still really there? Or are there just chairs and pews full of people spiritually side-tracked by work, family, money and success?
I have noticed, not only in Brazil, that people in other countries - especially 3rd world countries (not all, but quite a few) seem to go to church, or are "believers" because they have to be...they need to be. Not because it is expected, or cultural, or right and good, but because they have a soul-filled desire to draw near to their Creator. And the peak of the mountain is irrelevant....they will continue to live out their faith in daily actions because they have a real, true relationship with the Almighty. If they are scaling a mountain or relaxing in the valley, their faith remains evident and consistent - not complacent.
I've gotten all those silly emails - "If you LOVE GOD, then you will send this on to 10 other people," "If you are not ashamed, you will forward this to all your friends no matter what they think," "If you are truly my friend, you will email this back to me"......HUH????...If you don't know who I am and what I believe by my lifestyle, how is an email gonna change that? And if GOD doesn't know, well....there's the problem.
Ok, truth...............you know what really bothers me? What really erks the essence of my soul?.....A lot of people I know who are TRUE believers, who truly want to do what is right and have a firm relationship with GOD - these wonderful GODLY people ACTUALLY BELIEVE that everyone (or almost everyone) they see in their church on Sunday is there for the same reason they are. They believe someone who calls themself a "Christian" without a second thought. They don't stop to think that many Americans relied on their ancestors who have scaled over the evangelistic mountaintop, and now they are just sailing; coasting through life.
We have all these great stories of spiritual heroes of our faith who made the United States known for belief in the ONE TRUE AND LIVING GOD in three persons. Yet the majority of our population have not met Him....do NOT know Him.....think that being a believer is being good and going to church. You can tell...."by their fruits".....if you just look at their lives, the way they talk, where they put their faith when things are tough...it becomes as obvious as noontime sunlight.
Oh, the small group of faithful who will gather together on the other side of the mountaintop....the other side of the river. I shudder to think who will NOT be there.
And, *deep sigh*, am I doing my part so that those I know, whether they claim to be believers or not, will be there with me?
September 5, 2007 - Wednesday
UPDATED PICTURES
Current mood: nerdy
You've gotta see our pictures from Labor Day weekend.
www.leites.blogspot.com
I also have entire albums posted on our facebook - search: Rachel Caldwell Leite
UPDATED PICTURES
Current mood: nerdy
You've gotta see our pictures from Labor Day weekend.
www.leites.blogspot.com
I also have entire albums posted on our facebook - search: Rachel Caldwell Leite
September 4, 2007 - Tuesday
Things Change
Current mood: contemplative
So, this past labor day weekend, we went to Arkansas. I hadn't been there in over 5 years. I went back to OBU and checked out Arkadelphia. We also spent time in Glenwood and Hot Springs. We caught up with some friends and just had a relaxing weekend.
I have a lot of memories connected to those places. Good and bad times, but altogether, times that have shaped who I am. I noticed that even in 5 years, some things changed. Some were good, like finding my name engraved in the sidewalk at OBU under the year I graduated and BEAUTIFUL add-on to the end of Lile....Hickingbotham's School of Business, I think. Some were sad, like Honeycomb and Malone's diner closed. Some were just different - the back Piggly Wiggle is now a USave (or something like that). And there's a big Walgreens where the OLD Piggly Wiggly once stood. You have to pay to get into Lake Degray now. Hot Springs actually looks about the same except for the new roads that are in use. It extended a bit down 70 towards Glenwood, but it still has its small mall (which is actually nice to see), the 2 movie theatres are still tiny and the springs are still hot! You can still drive up the mountain to overlook the city. Hwy 7 and Hwy 8 are still lovely, curvy drives. And Caddo Valley is still Caddo Valley!
Reminiscing got me to thinking about change. So many times we fight it. We think things are best as they are now. But things would not be as they are now had there not been some change along the way. I was thinking about how sometimes we think that someone can't do such-and-such job because they would do it differently. Or how moving is such a chore because it just won't be the same. But even if we fight it, inevitably things WILL change. That's the nature of life....experience brings change, change beings learning, learning brings maturity and maturity brings life.
It's nice to see old things that are the same, but it's better to see change. Remember when I talked about living in the past? (see previous blog) It's all connected....if we live in the past, without change, we will never become who we are meant to be.
One other lesson I learned through this trip....no matter what changes, good or bad, may come - those who belong to the L-rd are always His. We can wander away for a time, but He brings us back into His glory...and the change is nice!
Things Change
Current mood: contemplative
So, this past labor day weekend, we went to Arkansas. I hadn't been there in over 5 years. I went back to OBU and checked out Arkadelphia. We also spent time in Glenwood and Hot Springs. We caught up with some friends and just had a relaxing weekend.
I have a lot of memories connected to those places. Good and bad times, but altogether, times that have shaped who I am. I noticed that even in 5 years, some things changed. Some were good, like finding my name engraved in the sidewalk at OBU under the year I graduated and BEAUTIFUL add-on to the end of Lile....Hickingbotham's School of Business, I think. Some were sad, like Honeycomb and Malone's diner closed. Some were just different - the back Piggly Wiggle is now a USave (or something like that). And there's a big Walgreens where the OLD Piggly Wiggly once stood. You have to pay to get into Lake Degray now. Hot Springs actually looks about the same except for the new roads that are in use. It extended a bit down 70 towards Glenwood, but it still has its small mall (which is actually nice to see), the 2 movie theatres are still tiny and the springs are still hot! You can still drive up the mountain to overlook the city. Hwy 7 and Hwy 8 are still lovely, curvy drives. And Caddo Valley is still Caddo Valley!
Reminiscing got me to thinking about change. So many times we fight it. We think things are best as they are now. But things would not be as they are now had there not been some change along the way. I was thinking about how sometimes we think that someone can't do such-and-such job because they would do it differently. Or how moving is such a chore because it just won't be the same. But even if we fight it, inevitably things WILL change. That's the nature of life....experience brings change, change beings learning, learning brings maturity and maturity brings life.
It's nice to see old things that are the same, but it's better to see change. Remember when I talked about living in the past? (see previous blog) It's all connected....if we live in the past, without change, we will never become who we are meant to be.
One other lesson I learned through this trip....no matter what changes, good or bad, may come - those who belong to the L-rd are always His. We can wander away for a time, but He brings us back into His glory...and the change is nice!
August 29, 2007 - Wednesday
Lovely Present
Current mood: determined
Pictures....they're funny things. We generally only take them at positive times - a family get-together, a party, a baby's new trick, hanging out with friends, an interesting outing, etc. Most of us don't take them of the bad times - the arguments, the breakups, the sicknesses, or the deaths. So, when we look back at our albums, they portray a life - but not completely.
They are blurbs - snapshots in time. They don't relate the sounds, the smells, the before and afters. And after some time has passed, although they remind us of that exact moment, they fail to remind us of that true period of time.
...then the heart steps in. It completes the process. Not fully, and not every time, but it is able to bring back a person or emotions of that moment as if they were happening for the first time.
You know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time - how it immediately brings you to remember feelings or places from when you heard it before? For a split second, you are back where you once were - smelling what you once smelled - hearing what you once heard - seeing who you once saw - being who you once were. It allows us to bridge the gap of time...to jump from now to then and back again. For me at least, my heart is in full swing during that song. It becomes what it was instead of what it is. And when I remind myself of who I am now, I lose that moment once again.
I have seen some pictures and heard some songs that remind me of wonderful times. Then I have to remember why it is I don't see or talk to that person anymore. Why don't I live in that place? Why don't I feel that feeling? What happened from then till now to put me in the position I presently find myself?
This past week a very personal and emotional experience happened to me. And as open and honest as you now know that I am, I cannot bring myself to share with you what happened - it is a deep wound, one that still needs healing. The funny thing is - noone else created that wound, I did it to myself.
This is what I can tell you. I am completely head-over-heels for my past. I long for old times, for old friends, for old places, for old feelings. The past is like a picture book of sorts to me. It is a story of wonderful, emotion-filled fairy tales. And I love to read that book. Hindsight IS 20-20 and that is what makes the past so beautiful.
I realize, I am not in love with now. I have high hopes for the future and a neverending bond with the past, but my present is what I mistreat, what I devalue, what I ignore. When I think of now, I think of the negatives. I think of work, frustrations, unfufilled dreams...
How do I seem to escape the plain and simple fact that my present will soon be my past? Am I so self-absorbed that I fail to recognize the beauty of this moment? The pictures, whether paper or mental, that I take now will be what guide and console me throughout the rest of my life. The soundtrack I am composing now will be what soothes me in the end.
A song comes to mind:
This day is fleeting, soon it will end.
And once it has vanished, it will not come again.
So, let us pray, that we might be a friend.
Before this day is spent.
I, sincerely, hope and pray that I will be able to make today worthwhile. That I will take pictures and create music that I see and hear now. That I will love those around me with a deep love. That I will find joy in each moment. That I will befriend myself and allow myself the opportunity to live in the now for the beauty that it is...
...before it is gone.
Lovely Present
Current mood: determined
Pictures....they're funny things. We generally only take them at positive times - a family get-together, a party, a baby's new trick, hanging out with friends, an interesting outing, etc. Most of us don't take them of the bad times - the arguments, the breakups, the sicknesses, or the deaths. So, when we look back at our albums, they portray a life - but not completely.
They are blurbs - snapshots in time. They don't relate the sounds, the smells, the before and afters. And after some time has passed, although they remind us of that exact moment, they fail to remind us of that true period of time.
...then the heart steps in. It completes the process. Not fully, and not every time, but it is able to bring back a person or emotions of that moment as if they were happening for the first time.
You know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time - how it immediately brings you to remember feelings or places from when you heard it before? For a split second, you are back where you once were - smelling what you once smelled - hearing what you once heard - seeing who you once saw - being who you once were. It allows us to bridge the gap of time...to jump from now to then and back again. For me at least, my heart is in full swing during that song. It becomes what it was instead of what it is. And when I remind myself of who I am now, I lose that moment once again.
I have seen some pictures and heard some songs that remind me of wonderful times. Then I have to remember why it is I don't see or talk to that person anymore. Why don't I live in that place? Why don't I feel that feeling? What happened from then till now to put me in the position I presently find myself?
This past week a very personal and emotional experience happened to me. And as open and honest as you now know that I am, I cannot bring myself to share with you what happened - it is a deep wound, one that still needs healing. The funny thing is - noone else created that wound, I did it to myself.
This is what I can tell you. I am completely head-over-heels for my past. I long for old times, for old friends, for old places, for old feelings. The past is like a picture book of sorts to me. It is a story of wonderful, emotion-filled fairy tales. And I love to read that book. Hindsight IS 20-20 and that is what makes the past so beautiful.
I realize, I am not in love with now. I have high hopes for the future and a neverending bond with the past, but my present is what I mistreat, what I devalue, what I ignore. When I think of now, I think of the negatives. I think of work, frustrations, unfufilled dreams...
How do I seem to escape the plain and simple fact that my present will soon be my past? Am I so self-absorbed that I fail to recognize the beauty of this moment? The pictures, whether paper or mental, that I take now will be what guide and console me throughout the rest of my life. The soundtrack I am composing now will be what soothes me in the end.
A song comes to mind:
This day is fleeting, soon it will end.
And once it has vanished, it will not come again.
So, let us pray, that we might be a friend.
Before this day is spent.
I, sincerely, hope and pray that I will be able to make today worthwhile. That I will take pictures and create music that I see and hear now. That I will love those around me with a deep love. That I will find joy in each moment. That I will befriend myself and allow myself the opportunity to live in the now for the beauty that it is...
...before it is gone.
August 23, 2007 - Thursday
Oh The Love
Current mood: relieved
I love to watch her sleep
I love to hear her breathe
I love the smell of her hair
I love her chubby feet
I love her in the morning
When she first reveals her smile
I love her in the afternoon
When we play for a while
I love her in the evening
When she holds on tight to me
I love the daily moments
That only I can see
I love to watch her grow
In beauty and in might
I love to see her conquer
What use to bring her fright
I love it when she talks
Whether it makes sense or not
I love that she accepts what I give her
Without one doubtful thought
I love that she's my daughter
That I can call her mine
I love every bonding moment
Creating lull in time
I love that she loves me now
But a question still remains
Will she love me forever
When she's distracted with other things
I would give all I have and am
For my precious girl to see
That noone could or ever will
Love her more than me.
Watching Hava teaches me so many things about what the L-rd must see when He looks at me. If I, the biggest sinner of them all, can find a place in my heart so deep of unconditional love for a simple human being, how much more must my Father, who is the perfection of love, have towards me. I can be so negative about who I am and who I need to be, but His love covers over all of the "shoulds" and leaves me with the peace of an eternal embrace of love. Knowing His love makes me want to be a better me. I hope Hava continues to see His love through me - not so that she will exalt me, but so that she will know His love and never be without His embrace.
Oh The Love
Current mood: relieved
I love to watch her sleep
I love to hear her breathe
I love the smell of her hair
I love her chubby feet
I love her in the morning
When she first reveals her smile
I love her in the afternoon
When we play for a while
I love her in the evening
When she holds on tight to me
I love the daily moments
That only I can see
I love to watch her grow
In beauty and in might
I love to see her conquer
What use to bring her fright
I love it when she talks
Whether it makes sense or not
I love that she accepts what I give her
Without one doubtful thought
I love that she's my daughter
That I can call her mine
I love every bonding moment
Creating lull in time
I love that she loves me now
But a question still remains
Will she love me forever
When she's distracted with other things
I would give all I have and am
For my precious girl to see
That noone could or ever will
Love her more than me.
Watching Hava teaches me so many things about what the L-rd must see when He looks at me. If I, the biggest sinner of them all, can find a place in my heart so deep of unconditional love for a simple human being, how much more must my Father, who is the perfection of love, have towards me. I can be so negative about who I am and who I need to be, but His love covers over all of the "shoulds" and leaves me with the peace of an eternal embrace of love. Knowing His love makes me want to be a better me. I hope Hava continues to see His love through me - not so that she will exalt me, but so that she will know His love and never be without His embrace.
August 15, 2007 - Wednesday
Esperanca
Current mood: tired
It's funny when we actually get to a point in life where we realize we are really living on hope. When we don't know what is ahead, but we DO know that if we are going to survive, it will be by G-d's grace alone. I've been there so many times, and I find myself there once again.
I've been preparing fundraising letters for our mission trip next summer to the amazon. The amount needed seems outrageous to me even though I know where each cent will be spent. And, now is the worst part of all...the waiting.
In English, we mean very different things when we say "hope," "wish," and "wait." But in Portuguese, it is all the same - esperar. You can be "esperando" for someone to show up. You can "esperar" for a good outcome to a game. You can even have an "esperanca" that one day you will be a millionnaire. But it is all the same...waiting, hoping, wishing.
Hava goes to sleep pretty much on her own now, but that is after a little bit of crying. So, to help her soothe herself, I let her go to sleep with her bear/blanket. It is a small fuzzy blanket that has a bear head on it, arms and legs and even a cute little bear booty on the back. But every time I leave her room, I have to make sure I keep listening to the monitor for the moment she stops crying because it will be one of two things - she will either have drifted off to sleepytown, or she will have suffocated with the bear blanket.
So...I wait....I hope....and I run in her room when I realize it is silent. Until now, my wish and my hope that she is ok has been granted. (And of course, I take the bear our of the crib.) But the waiting is still part of the game.
Logically,it makes no sense to have faith in something you cannot prove. I can't prove that Hava will be ok every night. But I believe she will by G-d's grace. And what is faith if not the wish during the wait of the hope?
So, I hope we will find our funds for our mission trip (and for our family ministry), I wish we could do it very quickly, but I'll wait...........
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for,
and certain of what we do not see.
Heb. 11:1
Esperanca
Current mood: tired
It's funny when we actually get to a point in life where we realize we are really living on hope. When we don't know what is ahead, but we DO know that if we are going to survive, it will be by G-d's grace alone. I've been there so many times, and I find myself there once again.
I've been preparing fundraising letters for our mission trip next summer to the amazon. The amount needed seems outrageous to me even though I know where each cent will be spent. And, now is the worst part of all...the waiting.
In English, we mean very different things when we say "hope," "wish," and "wait." But in Portuguese, it is all the same - esperar. You can be "esperando" for someone to show up. You can "esperar" for a good outcome to a game. You can even have an "esperanca" that one day you will be a millionnaire. But it is all the same...waiting, hoping, wishing.
Hava goes to sleep pretty much on her own now, but that is after a little bit of crying. So, to help her soothe herself, I let her go to sleep with her bear/blanket. It is a small fuzzy blanket that has a bear head on it, arms and legs and even a cute little bear booty on the back. But every time I leave her room, I have to make sure I keep listening to the monitor for the moment she stops crying because it will be one of two things - she will either have drifted off to sleepytown, or she will have suffocated with the bear blanket.
So...I wait....I hope....and I run in her room when I realize it is silent. Until now, my wish and my hope that she is ok has been granted. (And of course, I take the bear our of the crib.) But the waiting is still part of the game.
Logically,it makes no sense to have faith in something you cannot prove. I can't prove that Hava will be ok every night. But I believe she will by G-d's grace. And what is faith if not the wish during the wait of the hope?
So, I hope we will find our funds for our mission trip (and for our family ministry), I wish we could do it very quickly, but I'll wait...........
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for,
and certain of what we do not see.
Heb. 11:1
August 3, 2007 - Friday
The Thrill of the Unknown
Current mood: contemplative
Just FYI - this is a "think as I go" subject - no confirmed decisions or opinions, just random thoughts.
I guess you could label me as a closet-thrill-seeker. I mean, I don't secretly want to jump out of a plane or walk a tightrope, but I do enjoy the unknown. A rollercaoster, a different dish, an unfamiliar direction or meeting a stranger. Trying to understand what is ahead is what I do on a daily basis. But the fact of the matter is that if I knew what was ahead, life would be boring to me.
Now that I am thinking more deeply about the issue, I guess my real excitement with the unknown is that I know that G-d has everything under control and I just get excited to see how He's gonna work it all out. There are so many unknowns in my future right now, but I am secure in the fact that it will all be as it should be - a plan for my existence and maturity.
The negative part to this is that I get a thrill from the mystery, but once the mystery has become mundane - or if it has resolved into plain information - I get tired of it and many times leave it behind. This really makes it difficult in relationships. When a person is new or unknown to me, I get a thrill out of "figuring them out." But once I have a grasp on who they are, I tend to lose interest. (This is a horrible realization considering it leaves no room for a person's own revival.)
It's a good thing that I can't completely understand G-d - He keeps my attention. In the meanwhile, I have to remind myself that people are important, whether I understand them or not. And that mystery still lies in those of us who desire and seek after change in ourselves.
In theory then, if I give up on changing myself for the better, people might just give up on me and vice versa. And, if I remember that people are ever-changing, I can still seek out the thrill of getting to know them on a daily basis. If I get bored with people, I am not allowing them the possibility of change, and hence, the possibility of maturity.
I guess I am working this out in my own brain for the following reasons:
1. I stop showing true interest and love - am distracted from commitment - to those who I "know the best" who show love and commitment to me
2. I underestimate people's ability to change and mature
3. I'm sidetracked by people who are a mystery to me and I spend more time involved with them (even if only mentally) than with the people G-d has put in my life on a daily basis
So, I love the unknown, and it's good that there is some mystery to life...it's also good that G-d is omniscient and omnipotent...and ALL people, especially the everday ones, are worth the commitment to love and try to understand, even if it takes a lifetime.
The Thrill of the Unknown
Current mood: contemplative
Just FYI - this is a "think as I go" subject - no confirmed decisions or opinions, just random thoughts.
I guess you could label me as a closet-thrill-seeker. I mean, I don't secretly want to jump out of a plane or walk a tightrope, but I do enjoy the unknown. A rollercaoster, a different dish, an unfamiliar direction or meeting a stranger. Trying to understand what is ahead is what I do on a daily basis. But the fact of the matter is that if I knew what was ahead, life would be boring to me.
Now that I am thinking more deeply about the issue, I guess my real excitement with the unknown is that I know that G-d has everything under control and I just get excited to see how He's gonna work it all out. There are so many unknowns in my future right now, but I am secure in the fact that it will all be as it should be - a plan for my existence and maturity.
The negative part to this is that I get a thrill from the mystery, but once the mystery has become mundane - or if it has resolved into plain information - I get tired of it and many times leave it behind. This really makes it difficult in relationships. When a person is new or unknown to me, I get a thrill out of "figuring them out." But once I have a grasp on who they are, I tend to lose interest. (This is a horrible realization considering it leaves no room for a person's own revival.)
It's a good thing that I can't completely understand G-d - He keeps my attention. In the meanwhile, I have to remind myself that people are important, whether I understand them or not. And that mystery still lies in those of us who desire and seek after change in ourselves.
In theory then, if I give up on changing myself for the better, people might just give up on me and vice versa. And, if I remember that people are ever-changing, I can still seek out the thrill of getting to know them on a daily basis. If I get bored with people, I am not allowing them the possibility of change, and hence, the possibility of maturity.
I guess I am working this out in my own brain for the following reasons:
1. I stop showing true interest and love - am distracted from commitment - to those who I "know the best" who show love and commitment to me
2. I underestimate people's ability to change and mature
3. I'm sidetracked by people who are a mystery to me and I spend more time involved with them (even if only mentally) than with the people G-d has put in my life on a daily basis
So, I love the unknown, and it's good that there is some mystery to life...it's also good that G-d is omniscient and omnipotent...and ALL people, especially the everday ones, are worth the commitment to love and try to understand, even if it takes a lifetime.
July 30, 2007 - Monday
If we were all who we want to be...
Current mood: curious
I was just thinking...I'm not who I want to be. I fail, I miss the mark, I am not.
But I want everyone to see me for who I "want to be" and not for who I am.
I know a guy who put all his thoughts in a book - a book no one would ever read. We thought of him as lazy, a thinker who did little. Maybe that's not who he wanted to be.
I know a guy who is covered in hair - looks like someone you would not want sleeping in your bed. Underneath it all, is he dirty, hiding something? - or maybe he is just hiding from us. Maybe he can't seem to show who he really wants to be.
I know a guy who can't express himself - the more he tries, the more misunderstood he becomes. So, he chooses not to speak. He seems arrogant. I have a feeling that is not who he wants to be.
I know a guy who is overweight, not married and happy-go-lucky. Many have called him homosexual. Is that who he wants to be?
I know a guy, hard worker, strong convictions, can be pushy and comes across as a know-it-all. I'm sure he doesn't think that of himself, but can we help but think that is who he wants to be?
Appearances...they are frighteningly incorrect. And still, we judge and are judged for what we appear to be, not what we want to be.
"...Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on to take hold of that for which Messiah took hold of me...forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which G-d has called me heavenward in Messiah...
...Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...
...Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
...Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
(Phil. 3:12-14, 2 Cor. 4:16-18, Rom. 12:2, Heb. 4:16)
If we were all who we want to be...
Current mood: curious
I was just thinking...I'm not who I want to be. I fail, I miss the mark, I am not.
But I want everyone to see me for who I "want to be" and not for who I am.
I know a guy who put all his thoughts in a book - a book no one would ever read. We thought of him as lazy, a thinker who did little. Maybe that's not who he wanted to be.
I know a guy who is covered in hair - looks like someone you would not want sleeping in your bed. Underneath it all, is he dirty, hiding something? - or maybe he is just hiding from us. Maybe he can't seem to show who he really wants to be.
I know a guy who can't express himself - the more he tries, the more misunderstood he becomes. So, he chooses not to speak. He seems arrogant. I have a feeling that is not who he wants to be.
I know a guy who is overweight, not married and happy-go-lucky. Many have called him homosexual. Is that who he wants to be?
I know a guy, hard worker, strong convictions, can be pushy and comes across as a know-it-all. I'm sure he doesn't think that of himself, but can we help but think that is who he wants to be?
Appearances...they are frighteningly incorrect. And still, we judge and are judged for what we appear to be, not what we want to be.
"...Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on to take hold of that for which Messiah took hold of me...forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which G-d has called me heavenward in Messiah...
...Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...
...Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
...Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
(Phil. 3:12-14, 2 Cor. 4:16-18, Rom. 12:2, Heb. 4:16)
July 28, 2007 - Saturday
Night Owls
Current mood: awake
Saturday usually means that after a long day, we all come home and pass out for a few hours - even Hava. Today, we passed out til now - 10:15 pm! Al got up earlier for a couple of hours, but we didn't even see him. Hava missed dinner and now she and I are up late just hangin' with each other. (She is in my other arm as I type this one-handed.) Every couple of minutes she looks up at me and gives me that huge smile. :o)
Anyway, it's funny which traits kids get from which parent. Hava sleeps late in the morning and will go to bed late if her momma lets her. Sound like someone you all know? Al's in bed - we're the night owls!
Oh, the fun little moments of being Hava's Momma.
Night Owls
Current mood: awake
Saturday usually means that after a long day, we all come home and pass out for a few hours - even Hava. Today, we passed out til now - 10:15 pm! Al got up earlier for a couple of hours, but we didn't even see him. Hava missed dinner and now she and I are up late just hangin' with each other. (She is in my other arm as I type this one-handed.) Every couple of minutes she looks up at me and gives me that huge smile. :o)
Anyway, it's funny which traits kids get from which parent. Hava sleeps late in the morning and will go to bed late if her momma lets her. Sound like someone you all know? Al's in bed - we're the night owls!
Oh, the fun little moments of being Hava's Momma.
July 26, 2007 - Thursday
Communichaos
Current mood: aggravated
Words.....they frustrate me. They are there for us to be able to express ourselves to each other, but many times they don't do their job. I am thinking one thing as I am speaking, and you are hearing another.
I remember going to a poetry reading in college and leaving there with my mouth completely closed. I didn't feel worthy of even talking anymore because I didn't know how to use words so specifically like the poets did. But, you know me, I came out of that hole pretty quickly.
Speaking 2 languages doesn't help anything either....if anything, it gets in the way. I can see myself translating some things I see or hear into the other language to try to understand them. I search deeply into what someone says to see if I can discover what they are "really trying to say."
And I stink at this....One of my goals in life is to be well understood, but the more I talk, the more confused I seem to leave everyone. I will be going along fine, and then I either can't think of a word, think of the word in the wrong language or misuse a word in trying to make myself clearer.
Argh! Words, words, words.......can't live with them....can't live without them....or can we?
So, I know now more than ever, my actions do speak louder...they are more understood. What can I DO to make you understand?
Communichaos
Current mood: aggravated
Words.....they frustrate me. They are there for us to be able to express ourselves to each other, but many times they don't do their job. I am thinking one thing as I am speaking, and you are hearing another.
I remember going to a poetry reading in college and leaving there with my mouth completely closed. I didn't feel worthy of even talking anymore because I didn't know how to use words so specifically like the poets did. But, you know me, I came out of that hole pretty quickly.
Speaking 2 languages doesn't help anything either....if anything, it gets in the way. I can see myself translating some things I see or hear into the other language to try to understand them. I search deeply into what someone says to see if I can discover what they are "really trying to say."
And I stink at this....One of my goals in life is to be well understood, but the more I talk, the more confused I seem to leave everyone. I will be going along fine, and then I either can't think of a word, think of the word in the wrong language or misuse a word in trying to make myself clearer.
Argh! Words, words, words.......can't live with them....can't live without them....or can we?
So, I know now more than ever, my actions do speak louder...they are more understood. What can I DO to make you understand?
July 25, 2007 - Wednesday
Birthday Minute Kiss
Current mood: grateful
Did you ever see that episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray's mom would always give him a kiss on the forehead on the minute he was born on each birthday? The one time she didn't do it, everything went wrong.
Well, my baby girl got her "birthday minute kiss" today. At 1:14 pm (13:14) she officially turned 6 months old.
So, I'm all teary-eyed - prepare yourselves:
"Hava, you are my beautiful flower that makes each day worthwhile. I love when you wake every morning and smile so big at me. You make me WANT to face the day. I love when you fall asleep in my arms at night as we talk to Adonai together and sing songs to Him. You make me WANT another day.
Everyone says that when their baby is born, they just know their baby and would never leave the hospital with the wrong one. Actually, I don't feel that way - I couldn't have picked you out of a baby line-up if I tried. You were completely new to me, but I loved you anyway. Since then, I have absolutely LOVED getting to know you. Recognizing your subtleties, knowing your quirks, understanding how to calm your cry, make you laugh, predicting when you will be hungry or sleepy right down to the minute, making you feel protected, introducing you to new things, and knowing exactly when to check your diaper so it doesn't explode! :o)
I don't know how much time the L-rd will grant us together, but I cherish every second. And even if the time we have together is suddenly cut short, it will have been worth it to know you were mine for a time. I do hope, though, that the world is blessed enough to get to know you too.
I love you so deeply, so purely, so unconditionally that I even surprise myself. You're a blessing to my very soul. There is no one, nor will there ever be, like you. You are precious and you are loved.
Happy Birthday, florzinha!"
~mamae
Birthday Minute Kiss
Current mood: grateful
Did you ever see that episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray's mom would always give him a kiss on the forehead on the minute he was born on each birthday? The one time she didn't do it, everything went wrong.
Well, my baby girl got her "birthday minute kiss" today. At 1:14 pm (13:14) she officially turned 6 months old.
So, I'm all teary-eyed - prepare yourselves:
"Hava, you are my beautiful flower that makes each day worthwhile. I love when you wake every morning and smile so big at me. You make me WANT to face the day. I love when you fall asleep in my arms at night as we talk to Adonai together and sing songs to Him. You make me WANT another day.
Everyone says that when their baby is born, they just know their baby and would never leave the hospital with the wrong one. Actually, I don't feel that way - I couldn't have picked you out of a baby line-up if I tried. You were completely new to me, but I loved you anyway. Since then, I have absolutely LOVED getting to know you. Recognizing your subtleties, knowing your quirks, understanding how to calm your cry, make you laugh, predicting when you will be hungry or sleepy right down to the minute, making you feel protected, introducing you to new things, and knowing exactly when to check your diaper so it doesn't explode! :o)
I don't know how much time the L-rd will grant us together, but I cherish every second. And even if the time we have together is suddenly cut short, it will have been worth it to know you were mine for a time. I do hope, though, that the world is blessed enough to get to know you too.
I love you so deeply, so purely, so unconditionally that I even surprise myself. You're a blessing to my very soul. There is no one, nor will there ever be, like you. You are precious and you are loved.
Happy Birthday, florzinha!"
~mamae
July 18, 2007 - Wednesday
Holiness=Lonliness
Current mood: disappointed
Long story short - I owe the L-rd my life. Those of you who know me personally know exactly what I am talking about - those of you who don't, well, if you're interested, you'll find out. But that part of my life is not why I am writing today - today I am writing in reference to the debt I owe Him; my pursuit to live holy and finding lonliness in the process.
I have always been the tiniest bit outside of the norm, but I have never considered myself the oddball, nor did I want to be. But in the past few years, I have felt like the oddball, the outcast. You would think I would receive support since I come from a somewhat stable family and doctrine - most of my friends believe similarly to me - I even went to a school with the "Baptist" name printed right smack in the middle of it. But since my pursuit took a slightly different turn than what everyone else expected, I haven't received support. In fact, my husband and I have many times felt forgotten, unimportant, dispensable and altogether lonely. A friend of mine describes it as the "fiddler on the roof syndrome." The fiddler is weird, the only one on the roof and it seems to make no sense what he is doing up there "fiddling" anyway.
I have noticed that my true friends are few and far between. Those who I thought I could trust do not trust me, and that makes me wary to truly trust them now. I live in the land of "free speech," but if noone wants to hear what I have to say, what value is there in speaking? I feel as though if I were just like others in any given group, I would be accepted. But my "uniqueness" is not supported, not condoned, and many times, everyone seems to just run the other way.
Example: Recently, my husband and I submitted ourselves to full time ministry. You would think those close to us would be enthusiastic and supportive. But the response we received after announcing it was, well basically, no response. We were hurt and disappointed. OK, let's make something clear here: we did not make the decision in order to receive pats on the back, but we made it because that is what G-d wants us to do (whether we want to or not). At any rate, it would have been nice to have somebody, someone we would have expected, someone close to us, just somebody to say "Hey, that's great - I'll be praying for you."
So, there you have it. I'm lonely. In my pursuit of holy living, trying to be who G-d has made me to be, I have found lonliness. It's hard and it's hurtful. But from almost losing my life, I do know one thing: everyone is lonely at one point or another in their life. So, I'm not so different after all, thank G-d. And not being supported will not affect my decision to live for Him. I owe Him my life - I always will. And I do know that He will not accept mediocrity from me. ("And what does the L-rd require of you? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your G-d." Micah 6:8) What's expected of me is a very high level of holy living - one which I have not achieved, but one which I attempt to come closer to each day.
In search of holiness, I found lonliness. But it is just a bump in the straight and narrow road. I do not need to belong to any group here - I belong with Him and I will run the race that will take me to that destiny.
Holiness=Lonliness
Current mood: disappointed
Long story short - I owe the L-rd my life. Those of you who know me personally know exactly what I am talking about - those of you who don't, well, if you're interested, you'll find out. But that part of my life is not why I am writing today - today I am writing in reference to the debt I owe Him; my pursuit to live holy and finding lonliness in the process.
I have always been the tiniest bit outside of the norm, but I have never considered myself the oddball, nor did I want to be. But in the past few years, I have felt like the oddball, the outcast. You would think I would receive support since I come from a somewhat stable family and doctrine - most of my friends believe similarly to me - I even went to a school with the "Baptist" name printed right smack in the middle of it. But since my pursuit took a slightly different turn than what everyone else expected, I haven't received support. In fact, my husband and I have many times felt forgotten, unimportant, dispensable and altogether lonely. A friend of mine describes it as the "fiddler on the roof syndrome." The fiddler is weird, the only one on the roof and it seems to make no sense what he is doing up there "fiddling" anyway.
I have noticed that my true friends are few and far between. Those who I thought I could trust do not trust me, and that makes me wary to truly trust them now. I live in the land of "free speech," but if noone wants to hear what I have to say, what value is there in speaking? I feel as though if I were just like others in any given group, I would be accepted. But my "uniqueness" is not supported, not condoned, and many times, everyone seems to just run the other way.
Example: Recently, my husband and I submitted ourselves to full time ministry. You would think those close to us would be enthusiastic and supportive. But the response we received after announcing it was, well basically, no response. We were hurt and disappointed. OK, let's make something clear here: we did not make the decision in order to receive pats on the back, but we made it because that is what G-d wants us to do (whether we want to or not). At any rate, it would have been nice to have somebody, someone we would have expected, someone close to us, just somebody to say "Hey, that's great - I'll be praying for you."
So, there you have it. I'm lonely. In my pursuit of holy living, trying to be who G-d has made me to be, I have found lonliness. It's hard and it's hurtful. But from almost losing my life, I do know one thing: everyone is lonely at one point or another in their life. So, I'm not so different after all, thank G-d. And not being supported will not affect my decision to live for Him. I owe Him my life - I always will. And I do know that He will not accept mediocrity from me. ("And what does the L-rd require of you? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your G-d." Micah 6:8) What's expected of me is a very high level of holy living - one which I have not achieved, but one which I attempt to come closer to each day.
In search of holiness, I found lonliness. But it is just a bump in the straight and narrow road. I do not need to belong to any group here - I belong with Him and I will run the race that will take me to that destiny.
July 8, 2007 - Sunday
I always said NEVER
Current mood: amused
I was very much a "know-it-all" growing up. Maybe I still am. But I have learned something now that I didn't believe then....NEVER say NEVER.
I said:
"I'll NEVER be a teacher." = BME, CCAA, Irving ISD, Arlington ISD, Muzika School of Music, LAAM, etc.
"I'll NEVER be a texan." = "Howdy!"
"I'll NEVER be anything but Baptist." = "Hinei ma tov umanaim, shevet achim gam yachad."
"I'll NEVER marry a Brazilian." = "Hello, Alessandro."
"I'll NEVER marry a pastor/missionary." = We just recently submitted to missions fulltime.
I'm sure there was more of them that I just haven't realized, but thankfully, I try to keep the word "NEVER" from my vocabulary now - in order not to have to eat my words.
I always said NEVER
Current mood: amused
I was very much a "know-it-all" growing up. Maybe I still am. But I have learned something now that I didn't believe then....NEVER say NEVER.
I said:
"I'll NEVER be a teacher." = BME, CCAA, Irving ISD, Arlington ISD, Muzika School of Music, LAAM, etc.
"I'll NEVER be a texan." = "Howdy!"
"I'll NEVER be anything but Baptist." = "Hinei ma tov umanaim, shevet achim gam yachad."
"I'll NEVER marry a Brazilian." = "Hello, Alessandro."
"I'll NEVER marry a pastor/missionary." = We just recently submitted to missions fulltime.
I'm sure there was more of them that I just haven't realized, but thankfully, I try to keep the word "NEVER" from my vocabulary now - in order not to have to eat my words.
July 3, 2007 - Tuesday
FOCUS, Jr. Birdman
Current mood: contemplative
About 8 years ago, when I was serving as youth director at a small congregation, I had a phrase that I used all the time with "my kids." I don't remember where I picked it up from, but it stuck like glue...when they would get sidetracked and I needed their attention, I would make "o"s with my two hands, flip them up backwards over my eyes (like glasses) and say "Focus, Jr. Birdmen!" They would laugh and repeat after me. It worked every time.
I have always loved serving....I was raised to serve. I feel so accomplished when I know I have given some effort to someone who needed it. And even more than that, I owe so much to G-d...all I can do is serve and I want to spend all my time doing just that. My mom says I always try to give 200% to every project I work on. And she's right. I'm not against giving it "all you've got." In fact, I'm the biggest fan. But, I am learning, there is a time and a place.
Why didn't Yeshua (Jesus) cure every sick person in Jerusalem? Why didn't he free every life He walked passed? I realize now, it wasn't completely up to Him. People have to be ready to accept - whether it's change, or help or advice, people have to be ready to receive it - and not all are ready.
So, I think of all these wonderful things I could do - partly, because I am not able to do much, and partly, because I want to do it all. I come up with ideas and I have the best of intentions of following through - but it's too much, and it's not needed. When I turn around, I realize, that even though I did the best I could, not everyone is ready to accept it or need it.
So, maybe the L-rd is telling me "FOCUS, Jr. Birdman!" Maybe, He has very specific things for me to do in order to serve Him, but it is not every wonderful thing that comes to mind. Only He knows what is truly needed, so I have to follow His lead.
Bear with me as I sit back to contemplate...I might be still for a while, but there is an important voice I need to hear.
FOCUS, Jr. Birdman
Current mood: contemplative
About 8 years ago, when I was serving as youth director at a small congregation, I had a phrase that I used all the time with "my kids." I don't remember where I picked it up from, but it stuck like glue...when they would get sidetracked and I needed their attention, I would make "o"s with my two hands, flip them up backwards over my eyes (like glasses) and say "Focus, Jr. Birdmen!" They would laugh and repeat after me. It worked every time.
I have always loved serving....I was raised to serve. I feel so accomplished when I know I have given some effort to someone who needed it. And even more than that, I owe so much to G-d...all I can do is serve and I want to spend all my time doing just that. My mom says I always try to give 200% to every project I work on. And she's right. I'm not against giving it "all you've got." In fact, I'm the biggest fan. But, I am learning, there is a time and a place.
Why didn't Yeshua (Jesus) cure every sick person in Jerusalem? Why didn't he free every life He walked passed? I realize now, it wasn't completely up to Him. People have to be ready to accept - whether it's change, or help or advice, people have to be ready to receive it - and not all are ready.
So, I think of all these wonderful things I could do - partly, because I am not able to do much, and partly, because I want to do it all. I come up with ideas and I have the best of intentions of following through - but it's too much, and it's not needed. When I turn around, I realize, that even though I did the best I could, not everyone is ready to accept it or need it.
So, maybe the L-rd is telling me "FOCUS, Jr. Birdman!" Maybe, He has very specific things for me to do in order to serve Him, but it is not every wonderful thing that comes to mind. Only He knows what is truly needed, so I have to follow His lead.
Bear with me as I sit back to contemplate...I might be still for a while, but there is an important voice I need to hear.
June 26, 200 - Tuesday
OUR NEWS
For those of you interested in ministry, please check out our site for our latest news: http://www.leites.blogspot.com/
OUR NEWS
For those of you interested in ministry, please check out our site for our latest news: http://www.leites.blogspot.com/
June 22, 2007 - Friday
REFLECTIONS
Current mood: pensive
If anyone knows me at some sort of deeper level, they should know of my deep love for water...I love to drink it, I love to see it, I love to be in it (yeah, I know, a little OCD with all the washing of hands)...but I also highly respect it. Anyone who goes on trips on the amazon with us is always cautioned: "Respect the water, it is more powerful than it looks." I grew up on the water and as much as I love it, I know its power and I know just how powerful the Messiah was when He calmed the crashing waves.
I met Al in a very strange way; a mutual friend of ours (whose name was also Alessandro) drowned right in front of my house on the amazon. Al and I met because we had to pick up the pieces of the amazing youth ministry that this guy had left behind. The water was calm that day, until Alessandro got in the small boat to meet his dad at the shore...I didn't see it, but Alessandro's dad did. And everyone who saw it said it was unbelievable. The winds picked up out of nowhere and the waves immediately started crashing. Alessandro was too far from the anchored boat he had come from to go back, and too far from shore to swim in. So, his dad watched the L-rd take his own son's life right in front of his eyes by all the water that surrounded him.
But there is a part of water that goes beyond its power - it reflects reality. You might not think that when you see the distorted view of the world on crashing waves, but if you've ever seen a real (or pictures of a real) peaceful lake or river, you can't tell if the reality is what is above or beneath the horizon. A guy was with us once who was looking at the river as we traveled on it - he said "Why is the water dark in some areas and light in others?" My mom patiently replied: "Look up." The clouds were casting their shadows on the water, but you couldn't tell it by just looking at the "dark spots" of the water.
And that's me. I think I know who I am, until I'm faced with a situation - good or bad, other people reflect back to me who I really am. In the moment, I see the distorted view of who I think I am. But when the waves calm down and I can reflect - the picture I see is who I really am. If I have had a confrontation with someone and they mention something about my character that I disagree with (in the moment), later I look back and see what they were trying to tell me. If I am faced with a hard decision and go with my gut or my "limited logic," later I can look back and see the reality of who I am.
Water reflects reality - sometimes in a way we do not expect. And I guess that is the power of water - not just that it quenches, cleanses, crashes and calms, but it reflects what most eyes cannot see.
Thank you to anyone who has been "water" to me.
REFLECTIONS
Current mood: pensive
If anyone knows me at some sort of deeper level, they should know of my deep love for water...I love to drink it, I love to see it, I love to be in it (yeah, I know, a little OCD with all the washing of hands)...but I also highly respect it. Anyone who goes on trips on the amazon with us is always cautioned: "Respect the water, it is more powerful than it looks." I grew up on the water and as much as I love it, I know its power and I know just how powerful the Messiah was when He calmed the crashing waves.
I met Al in a very strange way; a mutual friend of ours (whose name was also Alessandro) drowned right in front of my house on the amazon. Al and I met because we had to pick up the pieces of the amazing youth ministry that this guy had left behind. The water was calm that day, until Alessandro got in the small boat to meet his dad at the shore...I didn't see it, but Alessandro's dad did. And everyone who saw it said it was unbelievable. The winds picked up out of nowhere and the waves immediately started crashing. Alessandro was too far from the anchored boat he had come from to go back, and too far from shore to swim in. So, his dad watched the L-rd take his own son's life right in front of his eyes by all the water that surrounded him.
But there is a part of water that goes beyond its power - it reflects reality. You might not think that when you see the distorted view of the world on crashing waves, but if you've ever seen a real (or pictures of a real) peaceful lake or river, you can't tell if the reality is what is above or beneath the horizon. A guy was with us once who was looking at the river as we traveled on it - he said "Why is the water dark in some areas and light in others?" My mom patiently replied: "Look up." The clouds were casting their shadows on the water, but you couldn't tell it by just looking at the "dark spots" of the water.
And that's me. I think I know who I am, until I'm faced with a situation - good or bad, other people reflect back to me who I really am. In the moment, I see the distorted view of who I think I am. But when the waves calm down and I can reflect - the picture I see is who I really am. If I have had a confrontation with someone and they mention something about my character that I disagree with (in the moment), later I look back and see what they were trying to tell me. If I am faced with a hard decision and go with my gut or my "limited logic," later I can look back and see the reality of who I am.
Water reflects reality - sometimes in a way we do not expect. And I guess that is the power of water - not just that it quenches, cleanses, crashes and calms, but it reflects what most eyes cannot see.
Thank you to anyone who has been "water" to me.
I have been doing a personal blog on myspace : havasmamae
But I decided to update here with all my thoughts as of lately.
Here goes...starting with the oldest.
June 20, 2007 - Wednesday
I don't have a myspace
Current mood: exhausted
Well, I didn't have a myspace...til today. I was looking for old friends who I still can't find and realized, maybe I make myself available, they'll find me. Anyway, we have a blog on blogger with pics, but I don't think everyone checks there....so, here I am.
Since college, basically, I went home (to Brazil) to help my parents out in their ministry on the Amazon. While I was there, I met Alessandro. We got married 7 months later, lived in Brazil for a year, then moved to the states. We lived in south Florida for 2 years where I co-owned a music school and he did odd jobs while learning English. Now, we're in TX. We've been here about 2 years. Al is an electrician (a step down from civil engineer in Brazil) and I am a private vocal coach at a music academy here in Arlington. Our baby girl, Hava Caldwell Leite, was born January 25 of this year. She keeps us on our toes.
Our pics and more info are on our blogspot - no need to have one in order to comment on ours. http://www.leites.blogspot.com/
Hope to hear from any and everyone...nothing could interest me more than what you are up to.
blessings. rcl
But I decided to update here with all my thoughts as of lately.
Here goes...starting with the oldest.
June 20, 2007 - Wednesday
I don't have a myspace
Current mood: exhausted
Well, I didn't have a myspace...til today. I was looking for old friends who I still can't find and realized, maybe I make myself available, they'll find me. Anyway, we have a blog on blogger with pics, but I don't think everyone checks there....so, here I am.
Since college, basically, I went home (to Brazil) to help my parents out in their ministry on the Amazon. While I was there, I met Alessandro. We got married 7 months later, lived in Brazil for a year, then moved to the states. We lived in south Florida for 2 years where I co-owned a music school and he did odd jobs while learning English. Now, we're in TX. We've been here about 2 years. Al is an electrician (a step down from civil engineer in Brazil) and I am a private vocal coach at a music academy here in Arlington. Our baby girl, Hava Caldwell Leite, was born January 25 of this year. She keeps us on our toes.
Our pics and more info are on our blogspot - no need to have one in order to comment on ours. http://www.leites.blogspot.com/
Hope to hear from any and everyone...nothing could interest me more than what you are up to.
blessings. rcl
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
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