The Process of Sickness: Part IV (Death's Door)

There were quite a few episodes where I tried to take my life, but only one made a real impact on me.

Date Unknown, Year 2000, My apartment, 3am, kitchen, alone:

I stood there with a tear-drenched face and a kitchen knife at my stomach. I was so ready to give up and push that sucker as hard as I could. People had prayed for me, spent time and money on me, tried to counsel me, tried to console me, given me meds, given me food......nothing was going to work. I know that now. My idea was that I would free everyone from the burden of me, and allow G-d to take me home (my delusional thoughts of suicide). I thought that if I went to be with Him, that would be the best option for everyone involved. I wanted to push that knife....and I did......

....but it didn't go in. Now I was just mad. I had mustered up enough courage to push and the stupid thing wouldn't go in, so I opened my mouth to scream at Him.....All of a sudden, my knees gave way and I fell hard, kneeling on the linoleum kitchen floor, my mouth opened, but only one word came out of my mouth: "Jesus"..........yeah, that sounds nice, right? One problem: I didn't say that. I didn't want to say that, my mouth did that without my mind's permission. So, I opened my mouth again: "Jesus".....My mind was racing: "What in the heck is wrong with me, that's not what I want to say!" I tried again...."Jesus"....and again "Jesus......I don't know how many times it happened. All I know is that I was no longer in charge. This wasn't about me anymore. I had no control over the knife, my hands, my knees, my mouth....something else, someOne else was in charge now....and the knife fell to the floor as a new river of tears rushed from my eyes. These were not the same tears as before, I can still feel them today...they were not hot angry tears, they were not thick, sticky, sad tears......they were cool, refreshing, cleansing tears.

*Years later, while learning about Jewish tradition and some Hebrew, I discovered the name of Jesus, "Yeshua," which literally translated is "salvation," and proves:
"Therefore GOD exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of "Yeshua," every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Yeshua the Messiah is LORD, to the glory of GOD, the Father." Philippians 2:9-11*

I can't tell you that my life changed from that day. It didn't. It took a long time. I had to drop out of school that semester because I couldn't keep up with classes. I had to leave my position as recording secretary in my sorority (fraternity, technically), and leave the girls hanging. I had to go back home to Brazil. I laid in a bed for a solid month. I'm sure I ate and bathed and all, my parents took great care of me, but I don't remember any of that. All I remember was laying there, watching TV, sleeping and reading my bible. And one day, it came to me, I have to "give" my life to the LORD. I mean really GIVE it to Him. Because it is beyond obvious that I can't do this alone. I can't take care of myself, I can't go to school, I can't face a single person - I can't do any of it. So, if I was supposed to live, then HE would have to live for me. I remember that I sat up in bed, swung my legs over the side and looked down at the floor and said:

"G-d, You have not allowed me what I want - death. You kept me alive and I don't know why. So, here's the deal I am willing to make. If You want me to live, then YOU have to do it all. I mean everything. I don't know how to wake up, when to eat, take a bath or take my meds, how to look people in the face, how not to cry at the drop of a hat, how not to hate myself, how not to kill myself, how to go to class, how to take notes, how to study, how to pass tests....I CAN'T DO IT. But if this is Your doing, and You are who You say You are, then YOU CAN. So, I'm not even going to try. I'm not going to say I can do anything. But if You make me do it, I will. So, if you want me to finish college - I promise you, that no matter what happens and whatever name they put on the diploma, I will know that it is Your name there. You will get ALL the praise and glory, because I know I deserve none. I deserve death, but You won't give me that. So, I give You what little there is left. Do what You want - but YOU DO IT."

And that was it. I knocked on death's door, but it was locked and bolted to me. I got up out of bed, walked out to the living room where my parents were surprised to see me. I looked at them and said, "I'm done. It's time to go back."

I went back to school. Got a job. Got elected as president of the fraternity, even though I had just left them hanging the year before. Took classes. Passed them. Had my senior recital go off without a hitch. Did my internship without fail. I woke up early every morning and drove to the schools I had to work at. Never late. Always bathed, medicated, full and feeling fine. I found a therapist who used scripture to keep me accountable. I got into weight lifting with a personal trainer and swimming lessons with a friend. I got my meds straightened out. But there was one final test before I would be allowed to walk at graduation.

All of the education majors were frustrated. The state board has decided to completely re-vamp the teacher certification exam. And they wouldn't let you take it till your last semester. In other words, if you didn't pass it the first time, you would have to take another semester of school in order to take the test again. Since I was now about a semester behind, people I knew were failing it left and right. There was no way to study for it. No precedents. I had one shot, or else I wouldn't graduate.

It was about a 4-hr long exam. Excruciating. They asked things we had NEVER studied. And they asked details...LOTS of details. I did my best, despite a student I knew from my college trying to cheat off me (she must have been nuts - trying to cheat off the girl who dropped out for mental illness!). About 3 weeks later, a few weeks before graduation, I went down to my mailbox. It was a Saturday morning, there was no one there. My box was on the row closest to the floor, so I knelt down, looked in the box, and there it was...the envelope with my scores.

While I was opening it, I said to G-d: "Here's Your moment."...and looked down in disbelief....I had passed.....with HIGH scores. It was over...finished. Tears of joy filled not only my eyes, but my heart. I thanked Him over and over and over. I had a huge smile and sat there, all alone, on that cold floor, on a Saturday morning realizing my life could now be categorized as a "miracle."

I graduated despite MANY people's disbelief, including my own. I had been ridiculed before as being "mediocre" and "incapable." Now, I was successful. Yet not I, but He who is in me.
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"And we know that in all things GOD works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. "
Romans 8:28