The Process of Sickness: Part V (Finale: Girl, Interrupted)

First of all, if you haven't seen the movie "Girl, Interrupted," watch it. If you have suffered from, or know someone who has suffered from depression or other mental illnesses, it is quite accurate. If you know nothing of mental illness, please take this movie seriously...it is intense, but very realistic - besides the fact that it is based on a true story.

I had been sick. Since I was a young child, I had battled mental illness. As I understand it from other people who have suffered from major illnesses, I didn't recognize it for many years, until it finally overtook me. In college, I dealt with the "beast" head-on.
And I didn't win, but my G-d did.

During my last semester at college, I was making decisions about where to go. I knew I would be a teacher, but where, when and how was still up in the air. At this point, I really didn't care. I was so excited to be overcoming this illness that nothing really phased me anymore. I applied for at least 75 positions, none of which I got. So, I booked a ticked and planned to go home to Brazil to serve with mom and dad until something popped up. A few weeks before graduation in December, I got a call that a church needed some help, but only to start the following May. That was fine with me - I would just go home and help out for a few months, and then journey back state-side to continue whatever it was G-d had for me.

Those last months of college were so vital to me. I learned a lot of lessons. I learned that I could dream again, just like I did when I was a kid. I learned that if I really trusted G-d and gave Him everything, He would work things out beautifully. I dated a great guy who taught me that not all guys are alike, and there are some out there who can truly love you. Even though we broke up, and I had no stable job, I felt like I was at a beautiful time in my life - a time when I was protected under G-d's wings, loved by the right people, and focused on living and dreaming again.

In January, I was off to Brazil. My first task there was a training clinic where we would help lay-workers to be more efficient and have more resources for their ministries. I taught quite a few classes; music, education, youth....and even helped my mom with a "Love, Dating and Marriage" class. There was a guy in that class, Alessandro - kind of funny. Very smiley, but I thought he was a pain - everybody was always talking to him and paying attention to him instead of the class.

One day, while teaching about how to use the "dating game" as a lesson on waiting for the person G-d has for you, I called up volunteers. Alessandro happened to be standing beside me (by the way, this is on video). I talked about the importance of teaching teenagers not to give into sexual temptation as I had earlier in my life. I taught about how "G-d might have someone for you that you don't even know - could be standing right beside you."

Alessandro was also interested in teaching youth, so he came to my youth seminar. After it was over, he came up, gave me his phone number and said: "If you need any help with your ministry while you are here, just give me a call."

The very next week, we had a tragedy. A guy who worked for us on the boat (ministry boat on the Amazon), who was also the main youth director of the city (also named Alessandro), fell into the river and drowned. He had just talked to me a few days earlier about coming to speak at the next youth rally. But now, everything was up in the air. The city was in shock - no one was expecting this, much less the youth. So, I went to his church, and the first person to come up and meet me was - you guessed it, Alessandro from the training clinic. Come to find out, he and Alessandro were best friends. Alessandro looked at me and said, "We can't let the youth fall into despair, we still have to make this youth rally happen." So, we spent the next week planning. The 2 of us were in charge of the rally. And I had never noticed it before, but when he stood up in front of that huge crowd, G-d opened my eyes and showed me - this was him, the "him" I had been waiting for.

But I had a ticket back to the US for 3 months later. I had a job waiting on me. We prayed, studied, took personality tests and marriage counseling. Yep, we got engaged a few days before I flew out. We were engaged for 4 months (more time apart than when we were together) and I finished the job in the states and flew back to Brazil a week before we got married.
*Now, there is a lot more to this story, but I'll fill you in on that later.*

During those few months, I was being detoxed from all the meds. The doctors wanted to take a chance and see if I could deal with life without all the medication. Detoxing from that much in your system really takes a toll on you. But through it all, I had my parents there, my new found man, ministry, and.....a dream from childhood.....I was called to record my first cd. This is where I realized I had been a Girl, Interrupted.

I had spent so many years of my life worrying about my life, that I wasn't living. I had taken the reigns from my Creator and was attempting to control everything myself. But in the process of finding myself, my love and my dreams, I drove my life into the ground....I was impure sexually, I was mentally ill and I was only able to attempt a career by G-d's grace. But the minute I turned everything over to His command, the interruption ended. I was living again, loving again, ministering again and dreaming again.

So, here I am. At the end of the process, what is left is simply: a girl.
A girl with scars, but alive.
A girl who experiences pain, but lives with love.
A girl with dreams, sometimes interrupted, but always fulfilled.

I am nothing more than you are - a seeker, a traveler, a human.

There is only one reason you are able to read these words -
G-d has kept me here as He has kept You.

You might not want to admit it, or recognize it, or accept it, or give into it - but I have experienced it. It is true. He is real. You can feel Him. You can know Him. Right now, He is with You...waiting for you to stop interrupting what He has planned for you: LIFE!
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"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18