How does this go again?

Well, it's baby time again.  I'm pregnant with number 2 due in August.  Our little girl will be 2 in January, so she should be pretty aware of what's going on when the baby comes.  Different from last time, this time we found out pretty early, so I wasn't really having any symptoms yet.  But they have started to show up.  My husband thinks it's psychological - I told him to go get pregnant and then let me know if it's psychological. :o)

It's only been a little over 2 years since the last time I was pregnant - I didn't think I would have forgotten so much about it.  I mean, I guess I vaguely remembered the idea of it, but the reality of being clumsy, forgetful, nauseated and tired have just now started to clearly make an appearance again.  I still have those crazy "what if my baby's not normal or what if there's a problem" jitters, but there is one idea that is a load off my mind this time - I AM going to be able to do this.  The first time I was pregnant, I guess because of the unknown, I spent so much time thinking about how in the world I was gonna do this and get it right.  Not that I have gotten everything right, in fact I have learned a lot, but at least I have experience on my side now and it's not such an unknown any more.  I understand that each baby is a completely different human being and each delivery is a different experience, but I am MUCH more at ease about this one - however JUST AS excited!!!

It's The Simple Things

Matthew 6:25-33

It's been potty-training time again.  We started a little over a month ago, but our daughter seemed to get bored of it.  We left it alone and came back to it this week.  I have to admit, I was very intimidated by it.  There is not too much that intimidates me in parenting (so far), but this potty training thing is scary.  I mean, this is for real....the kids have to learn to potty ON THEIR OWN.  Having to be on top of it every second is tiring.  I already have a headache today from running her to the potty every time she said something about #1 or 2.  :o)  But, to her credit, she has 10 stickers up today on her potty chart!

So, why am I bringing up my daughter's bodily functions?  For one, I am very excited that today was a very successful day.  She seems to really understand when the urge is coming, what she is supposed to say and do.  It's only day 2 of what I assume will at least take a week, but we achieved everything today.  So, here's to hoping we're done with diapers by the end of the week (at least during the day)!  Maybe I shouldn't have feared it so much after all.

The other reason I am writing is very personal.  I have been extremely stressed out lately.  In fact, I have noticed some old depression-esque habits creeping back.  We have just been in a tough stretch, as is everyone, mostly dealing with the economic crisis.  After watching my baby so excited about using the potty correctly and at the right time, something hit me.  She doesn't worry about the simple things - the things she needs.  They will come, and when they do, they are welcome.  Getting a sticker is just an extra blessing to her.  She's not using the potty because of the stickers, she's doing it because it's time.

And here I am, trying my best to stay humble, but grumbling every step of the way about unpaid bills, grocery needs and upcoming necessary expenses.  After talking to some of my friends lately and seeing what everyone is going through, I realized I need some perspective.  I need to realize that my needs WILL be met and that things really COULD be worse.  If the LORD is allowing me to go through this, why would He not prepare me and equip me to endure my simple hardships?

I used to always point the finger at people who worried about things that to me were not necessary - but why am I worried about the simple things - the daily needs of life?  Where is my faith?  Now I realize, if there is ANYTHING we definitely should NOT worry about, it's the simple things.  We know to whom we belong - and He is faithful.  He clothes us, feeds us and shelters us, even though we don't deserve it.  And regardless of how He decides to provide for us, He is worthy of our praise and our faith just for the sake of Who He is.  The LORD gives and the LORD takes away - BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!

Up Against A Wall

OK, so lately has been tough for us - for me.  And I am starting to realize we are not alone.  Friend after friend have been expressing their difficulties, their struggles, their trials and tribulations.  Today, I realized that sometimes the LORD allows our faith to be "cornered."  There are times that are just so difficult, no answer will suffice.  The only explanation is that G-D is growing our faith in a fantastically weird way.  It's almost like we are being shoved up against a wall...and the questions come like bullets out of a revolver: 

"NOW, do you REALLY believe?  Do you REALLY trust?  Where is your faith NOW?"

I won't attempt to decipher WHO is doing the asking.  But I can tell that these are important, life-changing questions.  When we confess and proclaim over and over again that we serve a Living G-D, that we trust Him with everything, that we belong to Him - there comes a point that we have to reaffirm those beliefs by hard, heart-wrenching decisions.  Sometimes, it seems so hard that we even consider (even if only for a fleeting millisecond) leaving it all behind and giving up everything we have stood for for so long.

We remember the rains, the storms, the tempests.  We remember the times where it seemed there was no way out, no way up, no possible positive solution.  And yet, in every example, something miraculous came of it.  It seems we forget about the "mini"miracles.  They are easy to remember when things are going smoothly, but seem like faded dreams when faced with the new hardship.

So, are you waiting for my proclamation of a glimpse of hope?  You're not going to find it- because in these kinds of times, you wouldn't believe it anyway.... I don't believe it.... 

But, we don't stop hoping for its existence.

If you find yourself in one of those end-of-the-line moments, remember it is not just you.  We are all there, on our own path and trying to find the right solution.  We are a team who fights solitary battles, but there is glory promised if we can just maintain our ground.

I can feel the back of my eyes burning

Yet for some reason I'm not allowed to cry

It's not that I'm afraid to shed a tear

I've done it many times, I just don't want to now.

I want to know what ails me and I want to find the cure.

In the midst of my uncertainty

I know that You are most certain of me

And I don't know why

You see the world that I cannot see

You see the ones who disregard me

And the plans for my life

You know every way that I'm untied

You hold me and tell me to cry

And I have to trust You're getting it right.

I am worn and torn, emptied, undone.

I have no idea from here which way to go.

Is there sin or something else within?

Is it me or something I cannot see?

I want to know what ails me and I want to find the cure.

In the midst of my uncertainty

I know that You are most certain of me

And I don't know why

You see the world that I cannot see

You see the ones who disregard me

And the plans for my life

You know every way that I'm untied

You hold me and let me cry

And I have to trust You're getting it right.

For You never change.

Why would You now?

If You are love, then love does abound.

Where I have failed, forgive me.

When I am lost, come find me.

Teach me what ails me and cure it completely.

The Texture I Love

So, my baby girl is into a new show on tv - Sid, the Science Kid.  Today, the lesson was about textures....what kinds are there and what do you like: rough, hard, soft, scratchy, smooth, etc.  I was thinking to back when I was a kid - I always liked smooth stuff, and actually, I still do.

After the INTENSE trip to Brazil, I was ready to come "home" and "rest."  I thought I could take a couple of weeks off and just get back to "normal."  Man, was I wrong!

On our drive back, we had to fly through the southern states as we were trying to bypass Gustav (the hurricane).  Al and I were talking about getting back to "normal."  Evidently, we believed that "abnormal" was how everyone else lived, and we were the normal ones.  Being over a month completely surrounded by non-believers is very trying, and tiring.  The more we thought about how their lives are chaotic, the more we were thankful for our "normal" life.  And then it hit us - our life is the abnormal one!  The norm is for people to be tempted and fall over and over again.  Until the power of Salvation comes to convict us and protect us from the monotonous sin-FULL life, the norm is to not know what blessing is, since it is so uncommmon.  But those of us who live lives in peace, order and growth - we are experiencing the true blessing.  We might get complacent in realizing that our norm is actually blessing, but it never ceases to be abundant blessing.  That's why our Savior said he came to give life, and life in ABUNDANCE....in this world, we will have troubles, but we have no fear for He has overcome the world!!!

So, I like my smoooooth ride.  I like my "abnormally" blessed life.  And here I was trying to "relax" after already having come back.  A couple of days ago, the LORD completely caught my attention - it was one of those moments that I could have sworn His voice was almost audible:

"What do you mean, you need to relax???  Do you really think you ever get a break from the spiritual?  Yes, you can rest in me, but you don't get a break from being a spiritual being.  Things will happen all around you all the time, and you have to maintain your guard.  Watch and pray.  Those who do not live in blessing need to be blessed by you, your life and your prayers.  You don't get a break from them.  But, remember, it is ME in you who does the work.  So, as much as I love you, you still have to keep up the battle....it is not over quite yet."

Yeah, I like things to be smooth, to go smoothly, but I'll make it even when the ride is rough and uncomfortable....and I am thankful to be back to my "abnormal" life!

Sin in Me, but Not Against Flesh and Blood?

I feel like I'm fighting a battle against myself.  I try to be very "spiritual" about it, but the fact of the matter is "what I do is not the good I ant to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing."(Rom 7:16-20)

But scripture is clear: "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Eph. 6:12)

So, what is it?  the sin in me or that evil which is always against us?

I was listening to a song today, the line said: "And to say that the devil made me do it, is a cop-out and a lie.  The devil can't make me do anything when I'm calling on Jesus Christ."

No, it is not me and no it is not the "evil."  Although, both have a strong pull on me - the fact remains that I am human, I live in a sin nature.  I serve the Creator who enables me to make decisions as to whether I go right or left.  His love gives me the choice, His mercy allows me to mess up, His forgiveness takes me back.  My trust and hope must be in Him - if I seek His face, His will, His way, my tendencies and the "evil" working against me will have no stronghold.

"But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.  Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.  Do not err, my beloved brethren." (James 1:14-16)

Lust = me

Enticement = evil

Conception = my lustful desire conceding to the enticement

Ok, so I'm a sin-natured human.  OK, so evil is out there wanting my downfall.  BUT, the conception is ONLY when the 2 meet; sin comes ONLY when we allow our selfish desires to be fed by the evil that surrounds us.  What a hope!

I am not yet perfect, nor will I be 'till we rest with Him.  In the meantime, I can rest assured, He is with me, to enable me to "do justly, love mercy and walk humbly" with my G-D. (Micah 6:8)  Let us call on the name of the L-RD to be delivered! (Joel 2:32)

I LOVE MY BABY GIRL!!!

Ok, so that's not news to any of you. But I have just been so blessed by that big-brown-eyed beauty. And being a parent to a beautiful toddler has fringe benefits...like ice-breakers; conversation openers...

Hava is and always has been a people person. But the cool thing about that is she can and does easily open conversations for us with SO MANY perfect strangers. It happens all the time...the grocery store, the mall, the park, the doctor's office....every where, and virtually EVERY TIME I have taken her in public since the day she was born. It happened again today. I won't go into the details, they're probably not that interesting to you, but a very precious thing did happen that I wanted to share.

Hava is not only a people person, but also VERY loving...she will randomly come up to any of us here at home and hug us, or kiss us...I have found her many times, coming up and leaning against my leg and planting one big wet one on my thigh. :o) With this particular stranger today, after warming up and sitting in their lap, with no influence whatsoever, our little 15-month-old turned around and threw her arms around this lady and gave her a huge bear hug...it moved the lady, but it also moved me.

Oh, how I wish I could love people regardless of knowing the good and bad about them. I wish I could walk up and throw my arms around someone and just let them know that they are loved...just let them feel the love of their Creator through a fellow creation. Hava didn't have to say anything, or understand anything...she didn't have to decide if this stranger needed or deserved her love...she just had plenty to share, so she did.

Any mother knows, there is always a slight hesitation when your baby is near a stranger. You don't want to bother them, but you also don't want them to bother your child. You don't want your child to get in their space, but you also want your child to be a blessing. As I watched from the other side of the room, I held back. I just trusted and knew that Hava belonged to G-d before she belonged to me, so He was watching out for her too (not to say I let her just go up to any and everyone)....in a few minutes, the lady was holding Hava in her lap, and looking at her tiny fingers. Hava closed her fingers inside the lady's hand. The stranger said: "See how you're little hand fits right inside mine? That's how we all fit inside Jesus' hand."

I didn't know the lady, and she was older so I wasn't afraid of her. But had I gone with my first instinct to not allow Hava to be a "bother" to her, I would have impeded a moment of blessing for all of us there. Conversation opened up and we shared details of our lives...all because of my little people person.

See why I love her? ;o)

Up All Night

For about the past month, there have been several occasions where I have been awake in the wee hours of the morning. Anyone who knows me knows I sleep...I like to sleep...I sleep a lot! :o) Most of it is actually a physical need after everything medical I have been through. But I also enjoy my sleep...I guess every mother does.

The first few times I was up was with our baby girl. She has been teething (again), and also has had a cold. She ended up sleeping with us quite a few times. But she is back in her bed now and sleeping soundly.

After all that was over, I was still waking up at 2 or 3 am. The first time I really couldn't figure it out. I had a million thoughts flying through my brain and then I realized the L-rd was waking me up. Since we have a big evangelistic project coming up, I have been praying a lot for the souls who are needing Him. The other night, I realized He didn't want me just to pray for them, but to pray for myself....to be prepared for what He might require of me. It kind of scares me...am I ready to give up whatever He asks for the sake of someone else's salvation? I think many wives and mothers can relate...just the thought of losing your family is so overwhelming, that we sometimes relinquish the thought as soon as it comes. At the same time, I am very aware that the L-rd gives, and He takes away. Blessed be His name!

Al and I have been asking by literally DOZENS of people for us to pray specifically for them. There are so many people suffering, it is hard to keep up with all their needs. The night before last, I woke up again and started praying for them. I was up for 2 hours just talking with the L-rd and asking His guidance and protection over us. As my husband slept beside me, and our baby girl in her crib nearby, I felt an overwhelming need to pray for their safety. I don't know exactly what, but I know a lot will be required of us, because we have been given much. (Luke 12:48)

I am not really at any kind of revelation here, but I would love any prayers interceded on our behalf. There is such a big task ahead of us...

MS. OPRAH

I've gotta say, I am an Oprah fan. I think she genuinely wants to help educate people. Yeah, she's a little on the arrogant side sometimes, a little vain here and there and a little "everybody will find their own way to G-D" - but I still feel like I learn things from her.

She found a "new thing" lately - a book called "A New Earth." Ok, first of all, I haven't read it. Second of all, I think any philosophy that keeps G-D on the sidelines and puts our efforts in primary place is a little off kilter. My other concern with these type of philosophies is that theoretically, they are beautiful ideas if EVERYONE were to follow them, but that is just not reality. And when you run into someone who doesn't practice what you do, you have to get out of the theory and a bit more in to the practical. But there was one idea that I heard her talking about that I do agree with.

The concept is that many times, we create/invent stories in our heads about what someone else is thinking, or what we "would" do "if" such and such were to happen. Anyway, the idea being that we waste time thinking about things that aren't really happening instead of living in the "moment." I think we can plan for certain events, of course. And I'm all for being proactive. But I do find myself too many time making up "stories" that get me worried or frustrated or feeding emotions that are negative to my testimony.

Anyway, I hope and pray that I can allow the L-rd to move in me so that I can be a more positive-thinking person. Not out of my own strength, because that has "failure" written all over it. But I do believe we can find a more peaceful and powerful way of living, when we allow the peace of the L-rd reign in our lives. His positive nature can overcome us and lead us to places we never knew we could reach.

S.S.V.

It happened within an increment of a second...the quick, but obvious message to me. I didn't see it coming, I can't deny that it happened. A still, small voice spoke to me and said:

"You are loved, now listen-
Things can't be as you have planned,
Although your plans came from an earnest heart,
Although they were good and honest plans,
They were your plans, not Mine.

I will not disclose to you every detail of My plans,
But I will pour this peace over you.
Let go of your ideas; your plans.

Hold fast to this:
I have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you,
plans to give you a hope and a future.
Seek first the Kingdom,
And all these things will be added to you."

And the split second was over. Tears came to my eyes. The conversation continued, but with my response to the overwhelming still, small voice.

Ok, as You wish.
Crush my plans if they are not Yours.
Break me if I am not in Your will.
Do not allow me to step in Your way,
To unknowingly undermine a perfect plan.
Lead me on the straight and narrow.
I will endure the pain, for my pain is Your glory.
Be glorified.

It was an intense second of time....the conversation with the still, small voice.

This blog keeps getting left behind. Sorry about that. Our main family blog is: www.leites.blogspot.com
So come visit us there - much more day-to-day info.

I Caught Myself....


I never think it will happen again, but I caught myself forgetting it ever did.

I always thought I would pay attention, but I caught myself being oblivious to the signs.

I took the lesson learned so seriously, but I caught myself reliving it half-heartedly.

I saw a picture; heard a voice and I caught myself reevaluating.

If life is so important to us that we do the work of getting through each day, why is it so easy to forget the fragility of it all? Why is it that we simply ignore the facts of life...and death? It should never catch us by surprise. I has always been this way and will be until the end of time. But we are shocked, devastated and debilitated by the reality of the end of life as we know it.

No, no one died, at least no one I know....but somewhere, someone's loved one, someone's child, someone's parent, someone's friend, someone's most valued partner on this journey has gone on. And my turn is coming...it has to be coming, so I must not forget, be oblivious, relive it unemotionally, or reevaluate the price again. It will be my turn one day - to be parted or to depart. No surprises. Just peace and the knowledge that we knew it would come. I hope I catch myself....prepared.

Call me, I will go.

Ask me, I will answer.

Tell me, I will listen.

Teach me, I will obey.

Show me, I will believe.

Free me, I will fly.

Protect me, I will stay.

Guide me, I will follow.

For all YOU have done for me,
the least I can do is dedicate my actions to YOUR honor and service.

REMEMBERED OR FORGOTTEN

I love movies. No, really, I LOVE them. I love the escape from "real life," I love the comparisons with my reality, I love the problems needing resolutions. I love that within a span of about 2 hours, you can "get to know" someone, grow to "care" about them and see yourself in their every move.

I just have two problems with movies...one is, I just can't walk away from them. When a movie is over, I am still there, in the moment, thinking, feeling, drawing my own conclusions. I can be moved to tears, to anger, or to a gut-busting belly laugh. And I just can't walk away from it. I can't leave it behind. For at least a few more moments, maybe hours, maybe days - I am still in that moment. I can't forget.

My second problem with them is that as much as they try to include the "entirety" of a life in 2 hours - that's impossible. Real-life laughter is much dorkier. Real-life cry sessions last for hours and days. Real-life sadness can span generations. Real-life love faces daily battles of fidelity and perseverance. The incredible nature of life itself is not in the marking moments, but the daily dedication to existing for a purpose. A movie cannot do a life justice.

And now I am here. The movie is over, the 2 lovers have found sweet peace in each other's arms and the credits roll. But I am here. Left in the movie of my life. And the 2 hours never end....sometimes it seems like the boring part is lasting for days or months. The funny part doesn't last long enough and wasn't nearly as quick-witted. Or the sad part doesn't have an immediate answer to the pain. The painful part is hidden in daily activities. The things to be remembered are so easily forgotten. And I wake up, and start the script again.

So let's say someone one day many many years from now has the ridiculous idea of making a 2-hour movie of my life. A real movie. Honestly, who would want to watch that? And even if they did - you know, let's just say for criticism's sake - wouldn't they forget it as soon as the theatre exit doors opened? Is my life forgettable? Are my experiences just random occurrences that I happened to be there for? Or is it possible that I created my life - I created my opportunities? And therefor, if my life is forgettable, have I made it that way?

In one sense, I don't want to be remembered. May HE who lives in me be remembered. But for His name's sake, what am I doing so that He is recognized? Is it really prudent to live a life so easily forgettable? Was I created to NOT make an impact? Is the reason for my existence to fade into the woodwork?

I sit here in the late evening/early morning hours longing for my movie to be memorable. If it provokes emotion, if it provokes controversy, if it provokes solutions, if it provokes changes - at least it would be doing something. I feel like I am sitting here living just because that's my job...I want to live, not so that people can watch a movie about me. But I want to live to make an impact - on whoever that impact needs to be made. I will try to be quick-witted, I will try to have intelligent replies, I will try to be lovely, to be open, to be vulnerable - I can try. I just can't promise you that I will be interesting.

So, here's an idea: watch the movie for the unseen Character. He's here. He's much more intelligent, quick-witted, lovely, open and interesting than all of Hollywood put together. If my life is to serve a purpose, may it be for the purpose for which I was created and not for my own purposes. May He mold me and manipulate me to accomplish the goal He has in mind. There's a movie for you. A person, not living for themselves or anyone else, but living for their Creator - being a tool, a vehicle for the unseen. A forgettable main character with a memorable existence. May it be, and forever so.

MIGRAINES

Those of you who have them, no explanation is necessary. Those of you who don't - here's a brief description:

*throbbing head pain
*incredible sensitivity to light
*ANY noise is TOO MUCH
*nausea, nausea and more NAUSEA (sometimes accompanied by actual vomiting)
*hot/cold/hot/cold within seconds
*total body pain (like the flu)

What gets me is that no matter how much it is explained, those who don't have them still refer to migraines as "headaches." They are SO NOT headaches. But if you don't have them, I guess it doesn't make any difference. We all tend to analyze what we don't know by comparing it with what we do know.

So, I had a migraine today. I am one of those people who have had them since back BEFORE there were OTC migraine remedies. So, I remember vividly the days of long, countless hours - sometimes days - in the dark, with a wet towel on my head in complete silence waiting for the anguish to give up - even if just a little.

Now, thanks to Excedrin Migraine, in 30 min. I am almost back to new again. I know, I sound like a commercial. But, it is incredible. Anyway, I don't want to write to advocate one med or another. I just wanted to figure out what G-D wanted me to learn through this...through these.

I guess what hits home the most with me is that I tend to think I can understand someone when they are telling me about their life, their problems, or their situations. Then I immediately try to think of something to help remedy their problems. The fact of the matter is, unless I have personally been through it, how can I really UNDERSTAND another person's experience? Everyone has their own path, their own experiences and who am I to doubt that or to be arrogant enough to think I have seen it all? It gives me a new perspective on compassion....I can't be compassionate because I necessarily identify with their situation, but because I validate their experience and I value them as a person.

So, yeah...migraines....they stink! :o)

YET AGAIN

Do you remember a while back when I wrote about facing a battle? Yeah, I've been facing a giant - yet again. And the funny thing is, at the beginning - when the giant first shows up, there's this outrageous fear and trembling that happens within me. Then, when I get a bit of my sense back, I realize that the trepidation comes from myself. The enemy doesn't make me fearful, I do that alone. So, I just try my best to "suck it up." And at that same moment, I am able to see the true size of the giant - he is nothing compared to my G-D. If I truly trust in the all-powerful, all-present, and all-knowing Creator, the only fear and trembling that I should have is that which belongs to Him. The battle becomes simple, not easy, but simple: I believe, HE conquers and the enemy fails - yet again, and may it always be!