The Process of Sin - Part II (In Hiding)

*This is a continuation of the telling of my life story - previous posts in this story can be found from Dec 05-May 06.*

I had made it. It was a tough road, but I graduated High School (the second semester of college) and was now in the groove at my university. My parents were back living overseas and the closest family members I had were states away. But here, I had made some really fun friends. People who were calm, easy-going, not stressed out and just fun to be with. Actually, to me, that in and of itself was a big accomplishment. I had always created so much drama around me and had befriended people who were the same way, that it was nice to be part of this fun-loving group. And I can honestly say, I loved them. I still do. But as comfortable as I was, I was still in hiding. I was hiding a terrible secret. I was definitely hiding it from my family. I was even hiding it from this group of friends. I was trying to hide it from myself. But that moment came every night...when I would lay my head down on my pillow....I ran from this moment.....there were countless nights I wouldn't even allow myself to lay down until I knew I would go straight to sleep....all out of fear of this moment....the moment when the secret came out of the closet in my mind to haunt me.

I had been around the block, so to speak, the first year or so of college. I had some make-out sessions here and there and didn't think much of it. Girls will be girls....I was just being normal, right? I mean, my roomate was talking about marrying her boyfriend. My suitemates were all in relationships. This was just normal.

By my second year, I had found my little, but secure niche. We were a group of 4 - two girls and two guys. We had other friends who we would hang out with from time to time, but we were the core of our group. Three of us were in dorm rooms, so we would always go hang out at our friends' apartments. We were always together. But there was one who I was particularly fond of - in the beginning, it was a sincere and complete friendship. We were 2 peas in a pod. We did EVERYTHING together. We laughed at the same movies, ate the same food, told the same kinds of stories. Sometimes I still cry, remembering how beautiful it was to have such a friendship. But old habits die hard. I started to obsess over something more than a friendship with him.

I knew me. I knew how much I had always longed for affection. The funny thing is, the only time in our relationship that we ever had anything romantic was at the very beginning, the first week we met. But it fizzled out and we recognized how much we just wanted to be friends. I thought I would be ok with that, but living most every moment with this guy was like provoking the "old" me to come out and fight. The "old" me was the one who was sick, who was perverted, who tried to commit suicide at 15 (in my room with a pocket knife). I wasn't that person anymore, I COULDN'T BE that person anymore. I couldn't risk this wonderful friendship for desires of my past. So, I tried to keep silent, but my actions spoke louder. Everyone who knew me, KNEW I was in love with my friend. And I think he knew it too. He just didn't say anything.

I supressed my beast......"NO, I do not want to date my best friend. NO, I do not want to get sad about my life. NO, I do not want to quit living. NO, NO, NO!!!" I tried to beat it down within me. I tried to pray it away. I tried to distract myself with plenty of activities and school. I took up to 21 hours of classes (12 is the minimum, 15 is the norm). I had concerts, recitals, papers, exams. I was strong now.....look where I had come from. "There is NO WAY I am giving into weakness. I am NOT weak!"

Here's where it gets hairy. Here is where my memory starts to fail. Here is where the rubber met the road - life or death - and I couldn't supress it anymore...the secret was coming to the surface and there was nothing I could do to hold it back.
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Ephesians 5:15-16 Be careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.