July 18, 2007 - Wednesday
Holiness=Lonliness
Current mood: disappointed

Long story short - I owe the L-rd my life. Those of you who know me personally know exactly what I am talking about - those of you who don't, well, if you're interested, you'll find out. But that part of my life is not why I am writing today - today I am writing in reference to the debt I owe Him; my pursuit to live holy and finding lonliness in the process.
I have always been the tiniest bit outside of the norm, but I have never considered myself the oddball, nor did I want to be. But in the past few years, I have felt like the oddball, the outcast. You would think I would receive support since I come from a somewhat stable family and doctrine - most of my friends believe similarly to me - I even went to a school with the "Baptist" name printed right smack in the middle of it. But since my pursuit took a slightly different turn than what everyone else expected, I haven't received support. In fact, my husband and I have many times felt forgotten, unimportant, dispensable and altogether lonely. A friend of mine describes it as the "fiddler on the roof syndrome." The fiddler is weird, the only one on the roof and it seems to make no sense what he is doing up there "fiddling" anyway.
I have noticed that my true friends are few and far between. Those who I thought I could trust do not trust me, and that makes me wary to truly trust them now. I live in the land of "free speech," but if noone wants to hear what I have to say, what value is there in speaking? I feel as though if I were just like others in any given group, I would be accepted. But my "uniqueness" is not supported, not condoned, and many times, everyone seems to just run the other way.
Example: Recently, my husband and I submitted ourselves to full time ministry. You would think those close to us would be enthusiastic and supportive. But the response we received after announcing it was, well basically, no response. We were hurt and disappointed. OK, let's make something clear here: we did not make the decision in order to receive pats on the back, but we made it because that is what G-d wants us to do (whether we want to or not). At any rate, it would have been nice to have somebody, someone we would have expected, someone close to us, just somebody to say "Hey, that's great - I'll be praying for you."
So, there you have it. I'm lonely. In my pursuit of holy living, trying to be who G-d has made me to be, I have found lonliness. It's hard and it's hurtful. But from almost losing my life, I do know one thing: everyone is lonely at one point or another in their life. So, I'm not so different after all, thank G-d. And not being supported will not affect my decision to live for Him. I owe Him my life - I always will. And I do know that He will not accept mediocrity from me. ("And what does the L-rd require of you? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your G-d." Micah 6:8) What's expected of me is a very high level of holy living - one which I have not achieved, but one which I attempt to come closer to each day.
In search of holiness, I found lonliness. But it is just a bump in the straight and narrow road. I do not need to belong to any group here - I belong with Him and I will run the race that will take me to that destiny.