August 29, 2007 - Wednesday
Lovely Present
Current mood: determined

Pictures....they're funny things. We generally only take them at positive times - a family get-together, a party, a baby's new trick, hanging out with friends, an interesting outing, etc. Most of us don't take them of the bad times - the arguments, the breakups, the sicknesses, or the deaths. So, when we look back at our albums, they portray a life - but not completely.
They are blurbs - snapshots in time. They don't relate the sounds, the smells, the before and afters. And after some time has passed, although they remind us of that exact moment, they fail to remind us of that true period of time.
...then the heart steps in. It completes the process. Not fully, and not every time, but it is able to bring back a person or emotions of that moment as if they were happening for the first time.
You know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time - how it immediately brings you to remember feelings or places from when you heard it before? For a split second, you are back where you once were - smelling what you once smelled - hearing what you once heard - seeing who you once saw - being who you once were. It allows us to bridge the gap of time...to jump from now to then and back again. For me at least, my heart is in full swing during that song. It becomes what it was instead of what it is. And when I remind myself of who I am now, I lose that moment once again.
I have seen some pictures and heard some songs that remind me of wonderful times. Then I have to remember why it is I don't see or talk to that person anymore. Why don't I live in that place? Why don't I feel that feeling? What happened from then till now to put me in the position I presently find myself?
This past week a very personal and emotional experience happened to me. And as open and honest as you now know that I am, I cannot bring myself to share with you what happened - it is a deep wound, one that still needs healing. The funny thing is - noone else created that wound, I did it to myself.
This is what I can tell you. I am completely head-over-heels for my past. I long for old times, for old friends, for old places, for old feelings. The past is like a picture book of sorts to me. It is a story of wonderful, emotion-filled fairy tales. And I love to read that book. Hindsight IS 20-20 and that is what makes the past so beautiful.
I realize, I am not in love with now. I have high hopes for the future and a neverending bond with the past, but my present is what I mistreat, what I devalue, what I ignore. When I think of now, I think of the negatives. I think of work, frustrations, unfufilled dreams...
How do I seem to escape the plain and simple fact that my present will soon be my past? Am I so self-absorbed that I fail to recognize the beauty of this moment? The pictures, whether paper or mental, that I take now will be what guide and console me throughout the rest of my life. The soundtrack I am composing now will be what soothes me in the end.
A song comes to mind:
This day is fleeting, soon it will end.
And once it has vanished, it will not come again.
So, let us pray, that we might be a friend.
Before this day is spent.
I, sincerely, hope and pray that I will be able to make today worthwhile. That I will take pictures and create music that I see and hear now. That I will love those around me with a deep love. That I will find joy in each moment. That I will befriend myself and allow myself the opportunity to live in the now for the beauty that it is...
...before it is gone.