September 16, 2007 - Sunday
The Other Side of the Mountain
Current mood: discontent
Lately I have been thinking a lot about how we progress in life. It seems like we work so hard to climb mountains - and most of the time, we succeed. But what happens on the other side of the mountain?
Church was the first thing that came to mind. The United States of America is obviously a blessed nation. And once you do any kind of international travel, you can immediately notice the impact America has made on other countries. In the way of missions, the world has literally been entirely blessed because of decades of dedicated American missionaries. And now that there is a church on ever corner in the US, now that every church has reached their "quota" of 5 missionaries they "support," now that the majority of Americans consider themselves "Christians," what happens? Did we fail to realize that we scaled a mountain and are now on the other side of the peak?
It seems to me that being a "Christian" or going to church (or whatever you call it) has become cultural. We do it because everybody does it. We do it because it is expected. We do it because we are raised to know that that is right and good and shows some sort of respectability. We are coasting now that the "big job" is done.
But is the "faith" still really there? Or are there just chairs and pews full of people spiritually side-tracked by work, family, money and success?
I have noticed, not only in Brazil, that people in other countries - especially 3rd world countries (not all, but quite a few) seem to go to church, or are "believers" because they have to be...they need to be. Not because it is expected, or cultural, or right and good, but because they have a soul-filled desire to draw near to their Creator. And the peak of the mountain is irrelevant....they will continue to live out their faith in daily actions because they have a real, true relationship with the Almighty. If they are scaling a mountain or relaxing in the valley, their faith remains evident and consistent - not complacent.
I've gotten all those silly emails - "If you LOVE GOD, then you will send this on to 10 other people," "If you are not ashamed, you will forward this to all your friends no matter what they think," "If you are truly my friend, you will email this back to me"......HUH????...If you don't know who I am and what I believe by my lifestyle, how is an email gonna change that? And if GOD doesn't know, well....there's the problem.
Ok, truth...............you know what really bothers me? What really erks the essence of my soul?.....A lot of people I know who are TRUE believers, who truly want to do what is right and have a firm relationship with GOD - these wonderful GODLY people ACTUALLY BELIEVE that everyone (or almost everyone) they see in their church on Sunday is there for the same reason they are. They believe someone who calls themself a "Christian" without a second thought. They don't stop to think that many Americans relied on their ancestors who have scaled over the evangelistic mountaintop, and now they are just sailing; coasting through life.
We have all these great stories of spiritual heroes of our faith who made the United States known for belief in the ONE TRUE AND LIVING GOD in three persons. Yet the majority of our population have not met Him....do NOT know Him.....think that being a believer is being good and going to church. You can tell...."by their fruits".....if you just look at their lives, the way they talk, where they put their faith when things are tough...it becomes as obvious as noontime sunlight.
Oh, the small group of faithful who will gather together on the other side of the mountaintop....the other side of the river. I shudder to think who will NOT be there.
And, *deep sigh*, am I doing my part so that those I know, whether they claim to be believers or not, will be there with me?
Sunday, September 16, 2007
September 5, 2007 - Wednesday
UPDATED PICTURES
Current mood: nerdy
You've gotta see our pictures from Labor Day weekend.
www.leites.blogspot.com
I also have entire albums posted on our facebook - search: Rachel Caldwell Leite
UPDATED PICTURES
Current mood: nerdy
You've gotta see our pictures from Labor Day weekend.
www.leites.blogspot.com
I also have entire albums posted on our facebook - search: Rachel Caldwell Leite
September 4, 2007 - Tuesday
Things Change
Current mood: contemplative
So, this past labor day weekend, we went to Arkansas. I hadn't been there in over 5 years. I went back to OBU and checked out Arkadelphia. We also spent time in Glenwood and Hot Springs. We caught up with some friends and just had a relaxing weekend.
I have a lot of memories connected to those places. Good and bad times, but altogether, times that have shaped who I am. I noticed that even in 5 years, some things changed. Some were good, like finding my name engraved in the sidewalk at OBU under the year I graduated and BEAUTIFUL add-on to the end of Lile....Hickingbotham's School of Business, I think. Some were sad, like Honeycomb and Malone's diner closed. Some were just different - the back Piggly Wiggle is now a USave (or something like that). And there's a big Walgreens where the OLD Piggly Wiggly once stood. You have to pay to get into Lake Degray now. Hot Springs actually looks about the same except for the new roads that are in use. It extended a bit down 70 towards Glenwood, but it still has its small mall (which is actually nice to see), the 2 movie theatres are still tiny and the springs are still hot! You can still drive up the mountain to overlook the city. Hwy 7 and Hwy 8 are still lovely, curvy drives. And Caddo Valley is still Caddo Valley!
Reminiscing got me to thinking about change. So many times we fight it. We think things are best as they are now. But things would not be as they are now had there not been some change along the way. I was thinking about how sometimes we think that someone can't do such-and-such job because they would do it differently. Or how moving is such a chore because it just won't be the same. But even if we fight it, inevitably things WILL change. That's the nature of life....experience brings change, change beings learning, learning brings maturity and maturity brings life.
It's nice to see old things that are the same, but it's better to see change. Remember when I talked about living in the past? (see previous blog) It's all connected....if we live in the past, without change, we will never become who we are meant to be.
One other lesson I learned through this trip....no matter what changes, good or bad, may come - those who belong to the L-rd are always His. We can wander away for a time, but He brings us back into His glory...and the change is nice!
Things Change
Current mood: contemplative
So, this past labor day weekend, we went to Arkansas. I hadn't been there in over 5 years. I went back to OBU and checked out Arkadelphia. We also spent time in Glenwood and Hot Springs. We caught up with some friends and just had a relaxing weekend.
I have a lot of memories connected to those places. Good and bad times, but altogether, times that have shaped who I am. I noticed that even in 5 years, some things changed. Some were good, like finding my name engraved in the sidewalk at OBU under the year I graduated and BEAUTIFUL add-on to the end of Lile....Hickingbotham's School of Business, I think. Some were sad, like Honeycomb and Malone's diner closed. Some were just different - the back Piggly Wiggle is now a USave (or something like that). And there's a big Walgreens where the OLD Piggly Wiggly once stood. You have to pay to get into Lake Degray now. Hot Springs actually looks about the same except for the new roads that are in use. It extended a bit down 70 towards Glenwood, but it still has its small mall (which is actually nice to see), the 2 movie theatres are still tiny and the springs are still hot! You can still drive up the mountain to overlook the city. Hwy 7 and Hwy 8 are still lovely, curvy drives. And Caddo Valley is still Caddo Valley!
Reminiscing got me to thinking about change. So many times we fight it. We think things are best as they are now. But things would not be as they are now had there not been some change along the way. I was thinking about how sometimes we think that someone can't do such-and-such job because they would do it differently. Or how moving is such a chore because it just won't be the same. But even if we fight it, inevitably things WILL change. That's the nature of life....experience brings change, change beings learning, learning brings maturity and maturity brings life.
It's nice to see old things that are the same, but it's better to see change. Remember when I talked about living in the past? (see previous blog) It's all connected....if we live in the past, without change, we will never become who we are meant to be.
One other lesson I learned through this trip....no matter what changes, good or bad, may come - those who belong to the L-rd are always His. We can wander away for a time, but He brings us back into His glory...and the change is nice!
August 29, 2007 - Wednesday
Lovely Present
Current mood: determined
Pictures....they're funny things. We generally only take them at positive times - a family get-together, a party, a baby's new trick, hanging out with friends, an interesting outing, etc. Most of us don't take them of the bad times - the arguments, the breakups, the sicknesses, or the deaths. So, when we look back at our albums, they portray a life - but not completely.
They are blurbs - snapshots in time. They don't relate the sounds, the smells, the before and afters. And after some time has passed, although they remind us of that exact moment, they fail to remind us of that true period of time.
...then the heart steps in. It completes the process. Not fully, and not every time, but it is able to bring back a person or emotions of that moment as if they were happening for the first time.
You know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time - how it immediately brings you to remember feelings or places from when you heard it before? For a split second, you are back where you once were - smelling what you once smelled - hearing what you once heard - seeing who you once saw - being who you once were. It allows us to bridge the gap of time...to jump from now to then and back again. For me at least, my heart is in full swing during that song. It becomes what it was instead of what it is. And when I remind myself of who I am now, I lose that moment once again.
I have seen some pictures and heard some songs that remind me of wonderful times. Then I have to remember why it is I don't see or talk to that person anymore. Why don't I live in that place? Why don't I feel that feeling? What happened from then till now to put me in the position I presently find myself?
This past week a very personal and emotional experience happened to me. And as open and honest as you now know that I am, I cannot bring myself to share with you what happened - it is a deep wound, one that still needs healing. The funny thing is - noone else created that wound, I did it to myself.
This is what I can tell you. I am completely head-over-heels for my past. I long for old times, for old friends, for old places, for old feelings. The past is like a picture book of sorts to me. It is a story of wonderful, emotion-filled fairy tales. And I love to read that book. Hindsight IS 20-20 and that is what makes the past so beautiful.
I realize, I am not in love with now. I have high hopes for the future and a neverending bond with the past, but my present is what I mistreat, what I devalue, what I ignore. When I think of now, I think of the negatives. I think of work, frustrations, unfufilled dreams...
How do I seem to escape the plain and simple fact that my present will soon be my past? Am I so self-absorbed that I fail to recognize the beauty of this moment? The pictures, whether paper or mental, that I take now will be what guide and console me throughout the rest of my life. The soundtrack I am composing now will be what soothes me in the end.
A song comes to mind:
This day is fleeting, soon it will end.
And once it has vanished, it will not come again.
So, let us pray, that we might be a friend.
Before this day is spent.
I, sincerely, hope and pray that I will be able to make today worthwhile. That I will take pictures and create music that I see and hear now. That I will love those around me with a deep love. That I will find joy in each moment. That I will befriend myself and allow myself the opportunity to live in the now for the beauty that it is...
...before it is gone.
Lovely Present
Current mood: determined
Pictures....they're funny things. We generally only take them at positive times - a family get-together, a party, a baby's new trick, hanging out with friends, an interesting outing, etc. Most of us don't take them of the bad times - the arguments, the breakups, the sicknesses, or the deaths. So, when we look back at our albums, they portray a life - but not completely.
They are blurbs - snapshots in time. They don't relate the sounds, the smells, the before and afters. And after some time has passed, although they remind us of that exact moment, they fail to remind us of that true period of time.
...then the heart steps in. It completes the process. Not fully, and not every time, but it is able to bring back a person or emotions of that moment as if they were happening for the first time.
You know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time - how it immediately brings you to remember feelings or places from when you heard it before? For a split second, you are back where you once were - smelling what you once smelled - hearing what you once heard - seeing who you once saw - being who you once were. It allows us to bridge the gap of time...to jump from now to then and back again. For me at least, my heart is in full swing during that song. It becomes what it was instead of what it is. And when I remind myself of who I am now, I lose that moment once again.
I have seen some pictures and heard some songs that remind me of wonderful times. Then I have to remember why it is I don't see or talk to that person anymore. Why don't I live in that place? Why don't I feel that feeling? What happened from then till now to put me in the position I presently find myself?
This past week a very personal and emotional experience happened to me. And as open and honest as you now know that I am, I cannot bring myself to share with you what happened - it is a deep wound, one that still needs healing. The funny thing is - noone else created that wound, I did it to myself.
This is what I can tell you. I am completely head-over-heels for my past. I long for old times, for old friends, for old places, for old feelings. The past is like a picture book of sorts to me. It is a story of wonderful, emotion-filled fairy tales. And I love to read that book. Hindsight IS 20-20 and that is what makes the past so beautiful.
I realize, I am not in love with now. I have high hopes for the future and a neverending bond with the past, but my present is what I mistreat, what I devalue, what I ignore. When I think of now, I think of the negatives. I think of work, frustrations, unfufilled dreams...
How do I seem to escape the plain and simple fact that my present will soon be my past? Am I so self-absorbed that I fail to recognize the beauty of this moment? The pictures, whether paper or mental, that I take now will be what guide and console me throughout the rest of my life. The soundtrack I am composing now will be what soothes me in the end.
A song comes to mind:
This day is fleeting, soon it will end.
And once it has vanished, it will not come again.
So, let us pray, that we might be a friend.
Before this day is spent.
I, sincerely, hope and pray that I will be able to make today worthwhile. That I will take pictures and create music that I see and hear now. That I will love those around me with a deep love. That I will find joy in each moment. That I will befriend myself and allow myself the opportunity to live in the now for the beauty that it is...
...before it is gone.
August 23, 2007 - Thursday
Oh The Love
Current mood: relieved
I love to watch her sleep
I love to hear her breathe
I love the smell of her hair
I love her chubby feet
I love her in the morning
When she first reveals her smile
I love her in the afternoon
When we play for a while
I love her in the evening
When she holds on tight to me
I love the daily moments
That only I can see
I love to watch her grow
In beauty and in might
I love to see her conquer
What use to bring her fright
I love it when she talks
Whether it makes sense or not
I love that she accepts what I give her
Without one doubtful thought
I love that she's my daughter
That I can call her mine
I love every bonding moment
Creating lull in time
I love that she loves me now
But a question still remains
Will she love me forever
When she's distracted with other things
I would give all I have and am
For my precious girl to see
That noone could or ever will
Love her more than me.
Watching Hava teaches me so many things about what the L-rd must see when He looks at me. If I, the biggest sinner of them all, can find a place in my heart so deep of unconditional love for a simple human being, how much more must my Father, who is the perfection of love, have towards me. I can be so negative about who I am and who I need to be, but His love covers over all of the "shoulds" and leaves me with the peace of an eternal embrace of love. Knowing His love makes me want to be a better me. I hope Hava continues to see His love through me - not so that she will exalt me, but so that she will know His love and never be without His embrace.
Oh The Love
Current mood: relieved
I love to watch her sleep
I love to hear her breathe
I love the smell of her hair
I love her chubby feet
I love her in the morning
When she first reveals her smile
I love her in the afternoon
When we play for a while
I love her in the evening
When she holds on tight to me
I love the daily moments
That only I can see
I love to watch her grow
In beauty and in might
I love to see her conquer
What use to bring her fright
I love it when she talks
Whether it makes sense or not
I love that she accepts what I give her
Without one doubtful thought
I love that she's my daughter
That I can call her mine
I love every bonding moment
Creating lull in time
I love that she loves me now
But a question still remains
Will she love me forever
When she's distracted with other things
I would give all I have and am
For my precious girl to see
That noone could or ever will
Love her more than me.
Watching Hava teaches me so many things about what the L-rd must see when He looks at me. If I, the biggest sinner of them all, can find a place in my heart so deep of unconditional love for a simple human being, how much more must my Father, who is the perfection of love, have towards me. I can be so negative about who I am and who I need to be, but His love covers over all of the "shoulds" and leaves me with the peace of an eternal embrace of love. Knowing His love makes me want to be a better me. I hope Hava continues to see His love through me - not so that she will exalt me, but so that she will know His love and never be without His embrace.
August 15, 2007 - Wednesday
Esperanca
Current mood: tired
It's funny when we actually get to a point in life where we realize we are really living on hope. When we don't know what is ahead, but we DO know that if we are going to survive, it will be by G-d's grace alone. I've been there so many times, and I find myself there once again.
I've been preparing fundraising letters for our mission trip next summer to the amazon. The amount needed seems outrageous to me even though I know where each cent will be spent. And, now is the worst part of all...the waiting.
In English, we mean very different things when we say "hope," "wish," and "wait." But in Portuguese, it is all the same - esperar. You can be "esperando" for someone to show up. You can "esperar" for a good outcome to a game. You can even have an "esperanca" that one day you will be a millionnaire. But it is all the same...waiting, hoping, wishing.
Hava goes to sleep pretty much on her own now, but that is after a little bit of crying. So, to help her soothe herself, I let her go to sleep with her bear/blanket. It is a small fuzzy blanket that has a bear head on it, arms and legs and even a cute little bear booty on the back. But every time I leave her room, I have to make sure I keep listening to the monitor for the moment she stops crying because it will be one of two things - she will either have drifted off to sleepytown, or she will have suffocated with the bear blanket.
So...I wait....I hope....and I run in her room when I realize it is silent. Until now, my wish and my hope that she is ok has been granted. (And of course, I take the bear our of the crib.) But the waiting is still part of the game.
Logically,it makes no sense to have faith in something you cannot prove. I can't prove that Hava will be ok every night. But I believe she will by G-d's grace. And what is faith if not the wish during the wait of the hope?
So, I hope we will find our funds for our mission trip (and for our family ministry), I wish we could do it very quickly, but I'll wait...........
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for,
and certain of what we do not see.
Heb. 11:1
Esperanca
Current mood: tired
It's funny when we actually get to a point in life where we realize we are really living on hope. When we don't know what is ahead, but we DO know that if we are going to survive, it will be by G-d's grace alone. I've been there so many times, and I find myself there once again.
I've been preparing fundraising letters for our mission trip next summer to the amazon. The amount needed seems outrageous to me even though I know where each cent will be spent. And, now is the worst part of all...the waiting.
In English, we mean very different things when we say "hope," "wish," and "wait." But in Portuguese, it is all the same - esperar. You can be "esperando" for someone to show up. You can "esperar" for a good outcome to a game. You can even have an "esperanca" that one day you will be a millionnaire. But it is all the same...waiting, hoping, wishing.
Hava goes to sleep pretty much on her own now, but that is after a little bit of crying. So, to help her soothe herself, I let her go to sleep with her bear/blanket. It is a small fuzzy blanket that has a bear head on it, arms and legs and even a cute little bear booty on the back. But every time I leave her room, I have to make sure I keep listening to the monitor for the moment she stops crying because it will be one of two things - she will either have drifted off to sleepytown, or she will have suffocated with the bear blanket.
So...I wait....I hope....and I run in her room when I realize it is silent. Until now, my wish and my hope that she is ok has been granted. (And of course, I take the bear our of the crib.) But the waiting is still part of the game.
Logically,it makes no sense to have faith in something you cannot prove. I can't prove that Hava will be ok every night. But I believe she will by G-d's grace. And what is faith if not the wish during the wait of the hope?
So, I hope we will find our funds for our mission trip (and for our family ministry), I wish we could do it very quickly, but I'll wait...........
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for,
and certain of what we do not see.
Heb. 11:1
August 3, 2007 - Friday
The Thrill of the Unknown
Current mood: contemplative
Just FYI - this is a "think as I go" subject - no confirmed decisions or opinions, just random thoughts.
I guess you could label me as a closet-thrill-seeker. I mean, I don't secretly want to jump out of a plane or walk a tightrope, but I do enjoy the unknown. A rollercaoster, a different dish, an unfamiliar direction or meeting a stranger. Trying to understand what is ahead is what I do on a daily basis. But the fact of the matter is that if I knew what was ahead, life would be boring to me.
Now that I am thinking more deeply about the issue, I guess my real excitement with the unknown is that I know that G-d has everything under control and I just get excited to see how He's gonna work it all out. There are so many unknowns in my future right now, but I am secure in the fact that it will all be as it should be - a plan for my existence and maturity.
The negative part to this is that I get a thrill from the mystery, but once the mystery has become mundane - or if it has resolved into plain information - I get tired of it and many times leave it behind. This really makes it difficult in relationships. When a person is new or unknown to me, I get a thrill out of "figuring them out." But once I have a grasp on who they are, I tend to lose interest. (This is a horrible realization considering it leaves no room for a person's own revival.)
It's a good thing that I can't completely understand G-d - He keeps my attention. In the meanwhile, I have to remind myself that people are important, whether I understand them or not. And that mystery still lies in those of us who desire and seek after change in ourselves.
In theory then, if I give up on changing myself for the better, people might just give up on me and vice versa. And, if I remember that people are ever-changing, I can still seek out the thrill of getting to know them on a daily basis. If I get bored with people, I am not allowing them the possibility of change, and hence, the possibility of maturity.
I guess I am working this out in my own brain for the following reasons:
1. I stop showing true interest and love - am distracted from commitment - to those who I "know the best" who show love and commitment to me
2. I underestimate people's ability to change and mature
3. I'm sidetracked by people who are a mystery to me and I spend more time involved with them (even if only mentally) than with the people G-d has put in my life on a daily basis
So, I love the unknown, and it's good that there is some mystery to life...it's also good that G-d is omniscient and omnipotent...and ALL people, especially the everday ones, are worth the commitment to love and try to understand, even if it takes a lifetime.
The Thrill of the Unknown
Current mood: contemplative
Just FYI - this is a "think as I go" subject - no confirmed decisions or opinions, just random thoughts.
I guess you could label me as a closet-thrill-seeker. I mean, I don't secretly want to jump out of a plane or walk a tightrope, but I do enjoy the unknown. A rollercaoster, a different dish, an unfamiliar direction or meeting a stranger. Trying to understand what is ahead is what I do on a daily basis. But the fact of the matter is that if I knew what was ahead, life would be boring to me.
Now that I am thinking more deeply about the issue, I guess my real excitement with the unknown is that I know that G-d has everything under control and I just get excited to see how He's gonna work it all out. There are so many unknowns in my future right now, but I am secure in the fact that it will all be as it should be - a plan for my existence and maturity.
The negative part to this is that I get a thrill from the mystery, but once the mystery has become mundane - or if it has resolved into plain information - I get tired of it and many times leave it behind. This really makes it difficult in relationships. When a person is new or unknown to me, I get a thrill out of "figuring them out." But once I have a grasp on who they are, I tend to lose interest. (This is a horrible realization considering it leaves no room for a person's own revival.)
It's a good thing that I can't completely understand G-d - He keeps my attention. In the meanwhile, I have to remind myself that people are important, whether I understand them or not. And that mystery still lies in those of us who desire and seek after change in ourselves.
In theory then, if I give up on changing myself for the better, people might just give up on me and vice versa. And, if I remember that people are ever-changing, I can still seek out the thrill of getting to know them on a daily basis. If I get bored with people, I am not allowing them the possibility of change, and hence, the possibility of maturity.
I guess I am working this out in my own brain for the following reasons:
1. I stop showing true interest and love - am distracted from commitment - to those who I "know the best" who show love and commitment to me
2. I underestimate people's ability to change and mature
3. I'm sidetracked by people who are a mystery to me and I spend more time involved with them (even if only mentally) than with the people G-d has put in my life on a daily basis
So, I love the unknown, and it's good that there is some mystery to life...it's also good that G-d is omniscient and omnipotent...and ALL people, especially the everday ones, are worth the commitment to love and try to understand, even if it takes a lifetime.
July 30, 2007 - Monday
If we were all who we want to be...
Current mood: curious
I was just thinking...I'm not who I want to be. I fail, I miss the mark, I am not.
But I want everyone to see me for who I "want to be" and not for who I am.
I know a guy who put all his thoughts in a book - a book no one would ever read. We thought of him as lazy, a thinker who did little. Maybe that's not who he wanted to be.
I know a guy who is covered in hair - looks like someone you would not want sleeping in your bed. Underneath it all, is he dirty, hiding something? - or maybe he is just hiding from us. Maybe he can't seem to show who he really wants to be.
I know a guy who can't express himself - the more he tries, the more misunderstood he becomes. So, he chooses not to speak. He seems arrogant. I have a feeling that is not who he wants to be.
I know a guy who is overweight, not married and happy-go-lucky. Many have called him homosexual. Is that who he wants to be?
I know a guy, hard worker, strong convictions, can be pushy and comes across as a know-it-all. I'm sure he doesn't think that of himself, but can we help but think that is who he wants to be?
Appearances...they are frighteningly incorrect. And still, we judge and are judged for what we appear to be, not what we want to be.
"...Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on to take hold of that for which Messiah took hold of me...forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which G-d has called me heavenward in Messiah...
...Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...
...Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
...Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
(Phil. 3:12-14, 2 Cor. 4:16-18, Rom. 12:2, Heb. 4:16)
If we were all who we want to be...
Current mood: curious
I was just thinking...I'm not who I want to be. I fail, I miss the mark, I am not.
But I want everyone to see me for who I "want to be" and not for who I am.
I know a guy who put all his thoughts in a book - a book no one would ever read. We thought of him as lazy, a thinker who did little. Maybe that's not who he wanted to be.
I know a guy who is covered in hair - looks like someone you would not want sleeping in your bed. Underneath it all, is he dirty, hiding something? - or maybe he is just hiding from us. Maybe he can't seem to show who he really wants to be.
I know a guy who can't express himself - the more he tries, the more misunderstood he becomes. So, he chooses not to speak. He seems arrogant. I have a feeling that is not who he wants to be.
I know a guy who is overweight, not married and happy-go-lucky. Many have called him homosexual. Is that who he wants to be?
I know a guy, hard worker, strong convictions, can be pushy and comes across as a know-it-all. I'm sure he doesn't think that of himself, but can we help but think that is who he wants to be?
Appearances...they are frighteningly incorrect. And still, we judge and are judged for what we appear to be, not what we want to be.
"...Not that I have already obtained all this, but I press on to take hold of that for which Messiah took hold of me...forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which G-d has called me heavenward in Messiah...
...Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal...
...Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
...Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
(Phil. 3:12-14, 2 Cor. 4:16-18, Rom. 12:2, Heb. 4:16)
July 28, 2007 - Saturday
Night Owls
Current mood: awake
Saturday usually means that after a long day, we all come home and pass out for a few hours - even Hava. Today, we passed out til now - 10:15 pm! Al got up earlier for a couple of hours, but we didn't even see him. Hava missed dinner and now she and I are up late just hangin' with each other. (She is in my other arm as I type this one-handed.) Every couple of minutes she looks up at me and gives me that huge smile. :o)
Anyway, it's funny which traits kids get from which parent. Hava sleeps late in the morning and will go to bed late if her momma lets her. Sound like someone you all know? Al's in bed - we're the night owls!
Oh, the fun little moments of being Hava's Momma.
Night Owls
Current mood: awake
Saturday usually means that after a long day, we all come home and pass out for a few hours - even Hava. Today, we passed out til now - 10:15 pm! Al got up earlier for a couple of hours, but we didn't even see him. Hava missed dinner and now she and I are up late just hangin' with each other. (She is in my other arm as I type this one-handed.) Every couple of minutes she looks up at me and gives me that huge smile. :o)
Anyway, it's funny which traits kids get from which parent. Hava sleeps late in the morning and will go to bed late if her momma lets her. Sound like someone you all know? Al's in bed - we're the night owls!
Oh, the fun little moments of being Hava's Momma.
July 26, 2007 - Thursday
Communichaos
Current mood: aggravated
Words.....they frustrate me. They are there for us to be able to express ourselves to each other, but many times they don't do their job. I am thinking one thing as I am speaking, and you are hearing another.
I remember going to a poetry reading in college and leaving there with my mouth completely closed. I didn't feel worthy of even talking anymore because I didn't know how to use words so specifically like the poets did. But, you know me, I came out of that hole pretty quickly.
Speaking 2 languages doesn't help anything either....if anything, it gets in the way. I can see myself translating some things I see or hear into the other language to try to understand them. I search deeply into what someone says to see if I can discover what they are "really trying to say."
And I stink at this....One of my goals in life is to be well understood, but the more I talk, the more confused I seem to leave everyone. I will be going along fine, and then I either can't think of a word, think of the word in the wrong language or misuse a word in trying to make myself clearer.
Argh! Words, words, words.......can't live with them....can't live without them....or can we?
So, I know now more than ever, my actions do speak louder...they are more understood. What can I DO to make you understand?
Communichaos
Current mood: aggravated
Words.....they frustrate me. They are there for us to be able to express ourselves to each other, but many times they don't do their job. I am thinking one thing as I am speaking, and you are hearing another.
I remember going to a poetry reading in college and leaving there with my mouth completely closed. I didn't feel worthy of even talking anymore because I didn't know how to use words so specifically like the poets did. But, you know me, I came out of that hole pretty quickly.
Speaking 2 languages doesn't help anything either....if anything, it gets in the way. I can see myself translating some things I see or hear into the other language to try to understand them. I search deeply into what someone says to see if I can discover what they are "really trying to say."
And I stink at this....One of my goals in life is to be well understood, but the more I talk, the more confused I seem to leave everyone. I will be going along fine, and then I either can't think of a word, think of the word in the wrong language or misuse a word in trying to make myself clearer.
Argh! Words, words, words.......can't live with them....can't live without them....or can we?
So, I know now more than ever, my actions do speak louder...they are more understood. What can I DO to make you understand?
July 25, 2007 - Wednesday
Birthday Minute Kiss
Current mood: grateful
Did you ever see that episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray's mom would always give him a kiss on the forehead on the minute he was born on each birthday? The one time she didn't do it, everything went wrong.
Well, my baby girl got her "birthday minute kiss" today. At 1:14 pm (13:14) she officially turned 6 months old.
So, I'm all teary-eyed - prepare yourselves:
"Hava, you are my beautiful flower that makes each day worthwhile. I love when you wake every morning and smile so big at me. You make me WANT to face the day. I love when you fall asleep in my arms at night as we talk to Adonai together and sing songs to Him. You make me WANT another day.
Everyone says that when their baby is born, they just know their baby and would never leave the hospital with the wrong one. Actually, I don't feel that way - I couldn't have picked you out of a baby line-up if I tried. You were completely new to me, but I loved you anyway. Since then, I have absolutely LOVED getting to know you. Recognizing your subtleties, knowing your quirks, understanding how to calm your cry, make you laugh, predicting when you will be hungry or sleepy right down to the minute, making you feel protected, introducing you to new things, and knowing exactly when to check your diaper so it doesn't explode! :o)
I don't know how much time the L-rd will grant us together, but I cherish every second. And even if the time we have together is suddenly cut short, it will have been worth it to know you were mine for a time. I do hope, though, that the world is blessed enough to get to know you too.
I love you so deeply, so purely, so unconditionally that I even surprise myself. You're a blessing to my very soul. There is no one, nor will there ever be, like you. You are precious and you are loved.
Happy Birthday, florzinha!"
~mamae
Birthday Minute Kiss
Current mood: grateful
Did you ever see that episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray's mom would always give him a kiss on the forehead on the minute he was born on each birthday? The one time she didn't do it, everything went wrong.
Well, my baby girl got her "birthday minute kiss" today. At 1:14 pm (13:14) she officially turned 6 months old.
So, I'm all teary-eyed - prepare yourselves:
"Hava, you are my beautiful flower that makes each day worthwhile. I love when you wake every morning and smile so big at me. You make me WANT to face the day. I love when you fall asleep in my arms at night as we talk to Adonai together and sing songs to Him. You make me WANT another day.
Everyone says that when their baby is born, they just know their baby and would never leave the hospital with the wrong one. Actually, I don't feel that way - I couldn't have picked you out of a baby line-up if I tried. You were completely new to me, but I loved you anyway. Since then, I have absolutely LOVED getting to know you. Recognizing your subtleties, knowing your quirks, understanding how to calm your cry, make you laugh, predicting when you will be hungry or sleepy right down to the minute, making you feel protected, introducing you to new things, and knowing exactly when to check your diaper so it doesn't explode! :o)
I don't know how much time the L-rd will grant us together, but I cherish every second. And even if the time we have together is suddenly cut short, it will have been worth it to know you were mine for a time. I do hope, though, that the world is blessed enough to get to know you too.
I love you so deeply, so purely, so unconditionally that I even surprise myself. You're a blessing to my very soul. There is no one, nor will there ever be, like you. You are precious and you are loved.
Happy Birthday, florzinha!"
~mamae
July 18, 2007 - Wednesday
Holiness=Lonliness
Current mood: disappointed
Long story short - I owe the L-rd my life. Those of you who know me personally know exactly what I am talking about - those of you who don't, well, if you're interested, you'll find out. But that part of my life is not why I am writing today - today I am writing in reference to the debt I owe Him; my pursuit to live holy and finding lonliness in the process.
I have always been the tiniest bit outside of the norm, but I have never considered myself the oddball, nor did I want to be. But in the past few years, I have felt like the oddball, the outcast. You would think I would receive support since I come from a somewhat stable family and doctrine - most of my friends believe similarly to me - I even went to a school with the "Baptist" name printed right smack in the middle of it. But since my pursuit took a slightly different turn than what everyone else expected, I haven't received support. In fact, my husband and I have many times felt forgotten, unimportant, dispensable and altogether lonely. A friend of mine describes it as the "fiddler on the roof syndrome." The fiddler is weird, the only one on the roof and it seems to make no sense what he is doing up there "fiddling" anyway.
I have noticed that my true friends are few and far between. Those who I thought I could trust do not trust me, and that makes me wary to truly trust them now. I live in the land of "free speech," but if noone wants to hear what I have to say, what value is there in speaking? I feel as though if I were just like others in any given group, I would be accepted. But my "uniqueness" is not supported, not condoned, and many times, everyone seems to just run the other way.
Example: Recently, my husband and I submitted ourselves to full time ministry. You would think those close to us would be enthusiastic and supportive. But the response we received after announcing it was, well basically, no response. We were hurt and disappointed. OK, let's make something clear here: we did not make the decision in order to receive pats on the back, but we made it because that is what G-d wants us to do (whether we want to or not). At any rate, it would have been nice to have somebody, someone we would have expected, someone close to us, just somebody to say "Hey, that's great - I'll be praying for you."
So, there you have it. I'm lonely. In my pursuit of holy living, trying to be who G-d has made me to be, I have found lonliness. It's hard and it's hurtful. But from almost losing my life, I do know one thing: everyone is lonely at one point or another in their life. So, I'm not so different after all, thank G-d. And not being supported will not affect my decision to live for Him. I owe Him my life - I always will. And I do know that He will not accept mediocrity from me. ("And what does the L-rd require of you? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your G-d." Micah 6:8) What's expected of me is a very high level of holy living - one which I have not achieved, but one which I attempt to come closer to each day.
In search of holiness, I found lonliness. But it is just a bump in the straight and narrow road. I do not need to belong to any group here - I belong with Him and I will run the race that will take me to that destiny.
Holiness=Lonliness
Current mood: disappointed
Long story short - I owe the L-rd my life. Those of you who know me personally know exactly what I am talking about - those of you who don't, well, if you're interested, you'll find out. But that part of my life is not why I am writing today - today I am writing in reference to the debt I owe Him; my pursuit to live holy and finding lonliness in the process.
I have always been the tiniest bit outside of the norm, but I have never considered myself the oddball, nor did I want to be. But in the past few years, I have felt like the oddball, the outcast. You would think I would receive support since I come from a somewhat stable family and doctrine - most of my friends believe similarly to me - I even went to a school with the "Baptist" name printed right smack in the middle of it. But since my pursuit took a slightly different turn than what everyone else expected, I haven't received support. In fact, my husband and I have many times felt forgotten, unimportant, dispensable and altogether lonely. A friend of mine describes it as the "fiddler on the roof syndrome." The fiddler is weird, the only one on the roof and it seems to make no sense what he is doing up there "fiddling" anyway.
I have noticed that my true friends are few and far between. Those who I thought I could trust do not trust me, and that makes me wary to truly trust them now. I live in the land of "free speech," but if noone wants to hear what I have to say, what value is there in speaking? I feel as though if I were just like others in any given group, I would be accepted. But my "uniqueness" is not supported, not condoned, and many times, everyone seems to just run the other way.
Example: Recently, my husband and I submitted ourselves to full time ministry. You would think those close to us would be enthusiastic and supportive. But the response we received after announcing it was, well basically, no response. We were hurt and disappointed. OK, let's make something clear here: we did not make the decision in order to receive pats on the back, but we made it because that is what G-d wants us to do (whether we want to or not). At any rate, it would have been nice to have somebody, someone we would have expected, someone close to us, just somebody to say "Hey, that's great - I'll be praying for you."
So, there you have it. I'm lonely. In my pursuit of holy living, trying to be who G-d has made me to be, I have found lonliness. It's hard and it's hurtful. But from almost losing my life, I do know one thing: everyone is lonely at one point or another in their life. So, I'm not so different after all, thank G-d. And not being supported will not affect my decision to live for Him. I owe Him my life - I always will. And I do know that He will not accept mediocrity from me. ("And what does the L-rd require of you? To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your G-d." Micah 6:8) What's expected of me is a very high level of holy living - one which I have not achieved, but one which I attempt to come closer to each day.
In search of holiness, I found lonliness. But it is just a bump in the straight and narrow road. I do not need to belong to any group here - I belong with Him and I will run the race that will take me to that destiny.
July 8, 2007 - Sunday
I always said NEVER
Current mood: amused
I was very much a "know-it-all" growing up. Maybe I still am. But I have learned something now that I didn't believe then....NEVER say NEVER.
I said:
"I'll NEVER be a teacher." = BME, CCAA, Irving ISD, Arlington ISD, Muzika School of Music, LAAM, etc.
"I'll NEVER be a texan." = "Howdy!"
"I'll NEVER be anything but Baptist." = "Hinei ma tov umanaim, shevet achim gam yachad."
"I'll NEVER marry a Brazilian." = "Hello, Alessandro."
"I'll NEVER marry a pastor/missionary." = We just recently submitted to missions fulltime.
I'm sure there was more of them that I just haven't realized, but thankfully, I try to keep the word "NEVER" from my vocabulary now - in order not to have to eat my words.
I always said NEVER
Current mood: amused
I was very much a "know-it-all" growing up. Maybe I still am. But I have learned something now that I didn't believe then....NEVER say NEVER.
I said:
"I'll NEVER be a teacher." = BME, CCAA, Irving ISD, Arlington ISD, Muzika School of Music, LAAM, etc.
"I'll NEVER be a texan." = "Howdy!"
"I'll NEVER be anything but Baptist." = "Hinei ma tov umanaim, shevet achim gam yachad."
"I'll NEVER marry a Brazilian." = "Hello, Alessandro."
"I'll NEVER marry a pastor/missionary." = We just recently submitted to missions fulltime.
I'm sure there was more of them that I just haven't realized, but thankfully, I try to keep the word "NEVER" from my vocabulary now - in order not to have to eat my words.
July 3, 2007 - Tuesday
FOCUS, Jr. Birdman
Current mood: contemplative
About 8 years ago, when I was serving as youth director at a small congregation, I had a phrase that I used all the time with "my kids." I don't remember where I picked it up from, but it stuck like glue...when they would get sidetracked and I needed their attention, I would make "o"s with my two hands, flip them up backwards over my eyes (like glasses) and say "Focus, Jr. Birdmen!" They would laugh and repeat after me. It worked every time.
I have always loved serving....I was raised to serve. I feel so accomplished when I know I have given some effort to someone who needed it. And even more than that, I owe so much to G-d...all I can do is serve and I want to spend all my time doing just that. My mom says I always try to give 200% to every project I work on. And she's right. I'm not against giving it "all you've got." In fact, I'm the biggest fan. But, I am learning, there is a time and a place.
Why didn't Yeshua (Jesus) cure every sick person in Jerusalem? Why didn't he free every life He walked passed? I realize now, it wasn't completely up to Him. People have to be ready to accept - whether it's change, or help or advice, people have to be ready to receive it - and not all are ready.
So, I think of all these wonderful things I could do - partly, because I am not able to do much, and partly, because I want to do it all. I come up with ideas and I have the best of intentions of following through - but it's too much, and it's not needed. When I turn around, I realize, that even though I did the best I could, not everyone is ready to accept it or need it.
So, maybe the L-rd is telling me "FOCUS, Jr. Birdman!" Maybe, He has very specific things for me to do in order to serve Him, but it is not every wonderful thing that comes to mind. Only He knows what is truly needed, so I have to follow His lead.
Bear with me as I sit back to contemplate...I might be still for a while, but there is an important voice I need to hear.
FOCUS, Jr. Birdman
Current mood: contemplative
About 8 years ago, when I was serving as youth director at a small congregation, I had a phrase that I used all the time with "my kids." I don't remember where I picked it up from, but it stuck like glue...when they would get sidetracked and I needed their attention, I would make "o"s with my two hands, flip them up backwards over my eyes (like glasses) and say "Focus, Jr. Birdmen!" They would laugh and repeat after me. It worked every time.
I have always loved serving....I was raised to serve. I feel so accomplished when I know I have given some effort to someone who needed it. And even more than that, I owe so much to G-d...all I can do is serve and I want to spend all my time doing just that. My mom says I always try to give 200% to every project I work on. And she's right. I'm not against giving it "all you've got." In fact, I'm the biggest fan. But, I am learning, there is a time and a place.
Why didn't Yeshua (Jesus) cure every sick person in Jerusalem? Why didn't he free every life He walked passed? I realize now, it wasn't completely up to Him. People have to be ready to accept - whether it's change, or help or advice, people have to be ready to receive it - and not all are ready.
So, I think of all these wonderful things I could do - partly, because I am not able to do much, and partly, because I want to do it all. I come up with ideas and I have the best of intentions of following through - but it's too much, and it's not needed. When I turn around, I realize, that even though I did the best I could, not everyone is ready to accept it or need it.
So, maybe the L-rd is telling me "FOCUS, Jr. Birdman!" Maybe, He has very specific things for me to do in order to serve Him, but it is not every wonderful thing that comes to mind. Only He knows what is truly needed, so I have to follow His lead.
Bear with me as I sit back to contemplate...I might be still for a while, but there is an important voice I need to hear.
June 26, 200 - Tuesday
OUR NEWS
For those of you interested in ministry, please check out our site for our latest news: http://www.leites.blogspot.com/
OUR NEWS
For those of you interested in ministry, please check out our site for our latest news: http://www.leites.blogspot.com/
June 22, 2007 - Friday
REFLECTIONS
Current mood: pensive
If anyone knows me at some sort of deeper level, they should know of my deep love for water...I love to drink it, I love to see it, I love to be in it (yeah, I know, a little OCD with all the washing of hands)...but I also highly respect it. Anyone who goes on trips on the amazon with us is always cautioned: "Respect the water, it is more powerful than it looks." I grew up on the water and as much as I love it, I know its power and I know just how powerful the Messiah was when He calmed the crashing waves.
I met Al in a very strange way; a mutual friend of ours (whose name was also Alessandro) drowned right in front of my house on the amazon. Al and I met because we had to pick up the pieces of the amazing youth ministry that this guy had left behind. The water was calm that day, until Alessandro got in the small boat to meet his dad at the shore...I didn't see it, but Alessandro's dad did. And everyone who saw it said it was unbelievable. The winds picked up out of nowhere and the waves immediately started crashing. Alessandro was too far from the anchored boat he had come from to go back, and too far from shore to swim in. So, his dad watched the L-rd take his own son's life right in front of his eyes by all the water that surrounded him.
But there is a part of water that goes beyond its power - it reflects reality. You might not think that when you see the distorted view of the world on crashing waves, but if you've ever seen a real (or pictures of a real) peaceful lake or river, you can't tell if the reality is what is above or beneath the horizon. A guy was with us once who was looking at the river as we traveled on it - he said "Why is the water dark in some areas and light in others?" My mom patiently replied: "Look up." The clouds were casting their shadows on the water, but you couldn't tell it by just looking at the "dark spots" of the water.
And that's me. I think I know who I am, until I'm faced with a situation - good or bad, other people reflect back to me who I really am. In the moment, I see the distorted view of who I think I am. But when the waves calm down and I can reflect - the picture I see is who I really am. If I have had a confrontation with someone and they mention something about my character that I disagree with (in the moment), later I look back and see what they were trying to tell me. If I am faced with a hard decision and go with my gut or my "limited logic," later I can look back and see the reality of who I am.
Water reflects reality - sometimes in a way we do not expect. And I guess that is the power of water - not just that it quenches, cleanses, crashes and calms, but it reflects what most eyes cannot see.
Thank you to anyone who has been "water" to me.
REFLECTIONS
Current mood: pensive
If anyone knows me at some sort of deeper level, they should know of my deep love for water...I love to drink it, I love to see it, I love to be in it (yeah, I know, a little OCD with all the washing of hands)...but I also highly respect it. Anyone who goes on trips on the amazon with us is always cautioned: "Respect the water, it is more powerful than it looks." I grew up on the water and as much as I love it, I know its power and I know just how powerful the Messiah was when He calmed the crashing waves.
I met Al in a very strange way; a mutual friend of ours (whose name was also Alessandro) drowned right in front of my house on the amazon. Al and I met because we had to pick up the pieces of the amazing youth ministry that this guy had left behind. The water was calm that day, until Alessandro got in the small boat to meet his dad at the shore...I didn't see it, but Alessandro's dad did. And everyone who saw it said it was unbelievable. The winds picked up out of nowhere and the waves immediately started crashing. Alessandro was too far from the anchored boat he had come from to go back, and too far from shore to swim in. So, his dad watched the L-rd take his own son's life right in front of his eyes by all the water that surrounded him.
But there is a part of water that goes beyond its power - it reflects reality. You might not think that when you see the distorted view of the world on crashing waves, but if you've ever seen a real (or pictures of a real) peaceful lake or river, you can't tell if the reality is what is above or beneath the horizon. A guy was with us once who was looking at the river as we traveled on it - he said "Why is the water dark in some areas and light in others?" My mom patiently replied: "Look up." The clouds were casting their shadows on the water, but you couldn't tell it by just looking at the "dark spots" of the water.
And that's me. I think I know who I am, until I'm faced with a situation - good or bad, other people reflect back to me who I really am. In the moment, I see the distorted view of who I think I am. But when the waves calm down and I can reflect - the picture I see is who I really am. If I have had a confrontation with someone and they mention something about my character that I disagree with (in the moment), later I look back and see what they were trying to tell me. If I am faced with a hard decision and go with my gut or my "limited logic," later I can look back and see the reality of who I am.
Water reflects reality - sometimes in a way we do not expect. And I guess that is the power of water - not just that it quenches, cleanses, crashes and calms, but it reflects what most eyes cannot see.
Thank you to anyone who has been "water" to me.
I have been doing a personal blog on myspace : havasmamae
But I decided to update here with all my thoughts as of lately.
Here goes...starting with the oldest.
June 20, 2007 - Wednesday
I don't have a myspace
Current mood: exhausted
Well, I didn't have a myspace...til today. I was looking for old friends who I still can't find and realized, maybe I make myself available, they'll find me. Anyway, we have a blog on blogger with pics, but I don't think everyone checks there....so, here I am.
Since college, basically, I went home (to Brazil) to help my parents out in their ministry on the Amazon. While I was there, I met Alessandro. We got married 7 months later, lived in Brazil for a year, then moved to the states. We lived in south Florida for 2 years where I co-owned a music school and he did odd jobs while learning English. Now, we're in TX. We've been here about 2 years. Al is an electrician (a step down from civil engineer in Brazil) and I am a private vocal coach at a music academy here in Arlington. Our baby girl, Hava Caldwell Leite, was born January 25 of this year. She keeps us on our toes.
Our pics and more info are on our blogspot - no need to have one in order to comment on ours. http://www.leites.blogspot.com/
Hope to hear from any and everyone...nothing could interest me more than what you are up to.
blessings. rcl
But I decided to update here with all my thoughts as of lately.
Here goes...starting with the oldest.
June 20, 2007 - Wednesday
I don't have a myspace
Current mood: exhausted
Well, I didn't have a myspace...til today. I was looking for old friends who I still can't find and realized, maybe I make myself available, they'll find me. Anyway, we have a blog on blogger with pics, but I don't think everyone checks there....so, here I am.
Since college, basically, I went home (to Brazil) to help my parents out in their ministry on the Amazon. While I was there, I met Alessandro. We got married 7 months later, lived in Brazil for a year, then moved to the states. We lived in south Florida for 2 years where I co-owned a music school and he did odd jobs while learning English. Now, we're in TX. We've been here about 2 years. Al is an electrician (a step down from civil engineer in Brazil) and I am a private vocal coach at a music academy here in Arlington. Our baby girl, Hava Caldwell Leite, was born January 25 of this year. She keeps us on our toes.
Our pics and more info are on our blogspot - no need to have one in order to comment on ours. http://www.leites.blogspot.com/
Hope to hear from any and everyone...nothing could interest me more than what you are up to.
blessings. rcl
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