SECRETS

If I had only known.......

...that there is someone who exists to tempt...
...that temptation leads to secrets...
...that secrets lead to lies...
...that lies lead to dishonor...
...that dishonor leads to shame...
...that shame leads to hiding...
...that hiding leads to sickness...
...that sickness leads to death...

.......I would not have decided to keep my drug; my independence.

I was happy where I was, living as a well-known translator. People all over the city and even in other states were now seeking me out. I was becoming popular - even through my dress. The churches were coming to know me and I started to realize that girls were changing the way they dressed at church according to what I was wearing. I was becoming a trend, and I loved it.

But my head swelled to quickly for my noticing. Before I knew it, I was not transmitting anything of importance or value - I was just showing off. And I was becoming more and more interested in boys - as would anyone my age. But the outlets I had were ones that supported my new addiction; secrets.

He was beautiful, talented and 10 years my senior. He was attractive, smart and a college graduate. He as business-like, but witty. He was my new fondness. I put my hope in knowing him, and he me. We spent so many hours together at work. And afterwards, long nights talking. We would come back home and spend hours on the phone. But, dating was not permissible at work. So, this would be our little secret.

In retrospect, I think he knew he was wrong to involve himself with a girl so young and naive - which is probably the reason he slowly backed away. But this kind of secret attraction had me hooked. I wanted a boy - not necessarily a boyfriend. I wanted someone who wanted me - I wanted to be wanted. And if you seek after something hard enough, you might just get what you asked for. And I was willing to seek, even in secret.

I had moved on from Mr. Translator. Although he still lived in the back of my mind, I knew there were more out there. So I went after them. I remember one Christmas, I found one - in secret - behind the curtains of the Christmas play at church. He was dating a friend of mine - but that didn't seem to bother me.

I was "helping" direct the play and singing the main solos for effect from behind the curtains. He was helping with extras. We hid out back there and found a fondness - in secret. Long story short - we dated, while he dated the other girl - which didn't bother me. We broke up after he became a father - with the other girl.

But during all this - my real secret was my secret boyfriend. Here's the kicker: he was someone who just happened to sleep in the same house, eat at the same table, and be a part of our missionary family. My deepest, darkest secret was what I kept closest to me - the hired help...

I was wrestling with something I didn't realize had so much power over me - darkness. Darkness seemed to want to pull me in to it's deadly grip more and more every day. I was giving in - to temptation, to secrets, to lies....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Matthew 26:41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.