DISHONOR, SHAME and HIDING

I love my parents - always have, always will. If there has been any stability in my life, it has come from them. I am truly blessed to have their love, care, concern and affection - even though sometimes it comes in forms I did not expect.

But I didn't always understand this love...especially in my teenage years. I CAN honestly say that I never blamed them for tough times in Brazil - as much as I wanted to sometimes, I always knew that this was a calling - for them and for me, so I could not put a weight on them that they were not responsible for carrying - that was the L-rd's job. However, I had NO PROBLEM in treating them according to the way I was feeling. Since I had started to live a life of lies and secrets (especially kept from them), my next step in weaving my web was to dishonor those who might find me out.

Now, when I say dishonor, I was not thinking that specifically, but I knew that if I showed any love or neediness to them, they would figure me out when I was hiding something. So - fight or flight. I either ignored them completely or fought back - in better terms, smarted off. After all, I was a hot shot now - everyone knew me, all the boys seemed to ask about me, I was the American girl - I could do whatever I wanted. And so I proceeded.

Instead of opening my mind and feelings to the people who knew me best and loved me most, I cut them off. I was closed for business. And since I believed myself to be so knowledgeable, I would just figure out my business on my own. If I had trouble with a guy, or with school, or with life in general, I would be the one to figure it out. And I had "logi-fied" it too - my parents were busy, they were important, I was smart - momma didn't raise no dummy. It was logical for me to "solve my own problems." I forgot one small logical detail - I had never been this age, a teenager, before. I had no prior experience. I was a newbie. And, I had no resources.

My dishonor towards my parents quickly spiraled towards any person who tried to tell me anything. And in this process, besides G-d, the person I most dishonored was myself. I didn't allow myself to have resources to deal with these issues...and my web became more complex.

It didn't take long - my conscious, my spirit, the L-rd's spirit within me, kicked in. This was not right. I was not right. I could not treat people with such disrespect, but I couldn't turn back now. If I did that it was show that I was weak. It would say that I was wrong. I would confirm that I did NOT know everything, that I did NOT have the answers, and that I was NOT the hot shot I thought I was. I was ashamed. I felt the guilt pile on me with every word that proceeded from my mouth and with every action. This was the worst feeling every. Worse than not being wanted by a boy. Worse than living by myself in another country. Worse than studying by myself. Worse than having no real friends. Worse than being an MK. Worse than being a PK. Worse than having a bad relationship with my family. This was worse - how could I ever show my face again if people were to find out who I really was.....

....so I just wouldn't tell them. As painful as it was, I would keep this newfound knowledge inside, under lock and key. It was mine, I would deal with it. And when fighting it fails, just run. "Run, Rachel, run!!! Hide your faults, your lies, your secrets. Hide them from everyone. And if you are to survive, hide them from yourself. Don't try to deal with fact. Leave it. Let it be. You aren't strong enough, smart enough, quick-witted enough, talented enough, spiritual enough...you just aren't. Don't you know you're a liar? Don't you know you're a deceiver? Don't you know you are rude? Don't you know you are disrespectful? Don't you know you are the biggest sinner who ever walked the face of the earth? You're only option now is to fall into the consequences of the web you have spun."

That is what I convinced myself of. And so I conceded. I would give in. And I would hide it from everyone - including me - including G-d.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ephesians 5:12 For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.