THE PROCESS OF SICKNESS - Part I

One day you feel fine and the next - BANG BOOM - you're down for the count. It really stinks - you've made all these plans for things that need to get done, or you want to get done, but when you're sick - that's it. You're out of the game.

It seems that way, but in reality, many sicknesses come on slowly - they begin to build without our even knowing or paying attention. About a year and a half ago, I was feeling fine and then I started to feel hot every day. I felt like I had a fever, but nothing else. One day, two days, five days, a week, two weeks - now I was feeling puny. And to make matters worse, this would be the year of the 4 - count them, 4 hurricanes in South Florida. I felt weak. So, now that noone could work anyway, I would just rest.

I started out in the full horizontal position, but as the days went on, I melted into the fetal position. My stomach was bulging in obscure form. I was sick - very sick. The doctor didn't even give me a choice - "get up right now and go to the emergency room." Well, one thing led to the next and I was in sugery for my gall bladder. I was full of infection and stayed medicated in the hospital bed for 5 days. It was awful, but I got better.

I had been so busy and life had been so hectic, maybe this was the L-rd telling me to calm down, take a breather...you definitely don't want to go back to those college years....

(continued on post: THE PROCESS OF SICKNESS - Part II)
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Matthew 8:17 That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses.

DISHONOR, SHAME and HIDING

I love my parents - always have, always will. If there has been any stability in my life, it has come from them. I am truly blessed to have their love, care, concern and affection - even though sometimes it comes in forms I did not expect.

But I didn't always understand this love...especially in my teenage years. I CAN honestly say that I never blamed them for tough times in Brazil - as much as I wanted to sometimes, I always knew that this was a calling - for them and for me, so I could not put a weight on them that they were not responsible for carrying - that was the L-rd's job. However, I had NO PROBLEM in treating them according to the way I was feeling. Since I had started to live a life of lies and secrets (especially kept from them), my next step in weaving my web was to dishonor those who might find me out.

Now, when I say dishonor, I was not thinking that specifically, but I knew that if I showed any love or neediness to them, they would figure me out when I was hiding something. So - fight or flight. I either ignored them completely or fought back - in better terms, smarted off. After all, I was a hot shot now - everyone knew me, all the boys seemed to ask about me, I was the American girl - I could do whatever I wanted. And so I proceeded.

Instead of opening my mind and feelings to the people who knew me best and loved me most, I cut them off. I was closed for business. And since I believed myself to be so knowledgeable, I would just figure out my business on my own. If I had trouble with a guy, or with school, or with life in general, I would be the one to figure it out. And I had "logi-fied" it too - my parents were busy, they were important, I was smart - momma didn't raise no dummy. It was logical for me to "solve my own problems." I forgot one small logical detail - I had never been this age, a teenager, before. I had no prior experience. I was a newbie. And, I had no resources.

My dishonor towards my parents quickly spiraled towards any person who tried to tell me anything. And in this process, besides G-d, the person I most dishonored was myself. I didn't allow myself to have resources to deal with these issues...and my web became more complex.

It didn't take long - my conscious, my spirit, the L-rd's spirit within me, kicked in. This was not right. I was not right. I could not treat people with such disrespect, but I couldn't turn back now. If I did that it was show that I was weak. It would say that I was wrong. I would confirm that I did NOT know everything, that I did NOT have the answers, and that I was NOT the hot shot I thought I was. I was ashamed. I felt the guilt pile on me with every word that proceeded from my mouth and with every action. This was the worst feeling every. Worse than not being wanted by a boy. Worse than living by myself in another country. Worse than studying by myself. Worse than having no real friends. Worse than being an MK. Worse than being a PK. Worse than having a bad relationship with my family. This was worse - how could I ever show my face again if people were to find out who I really was.....

....so I just wouldn't tell them. As painful as it was, I would keep this newfound knowledge inside, under lock and key. It was mine, I would deal with it. And when fighting it fails, just run. "Run, Rachel, run!!! Hide your faults, your lies, your secrets. Hide them from everyone. And if you are to survive, hide them from yourself. Don't try to deal with fact. Leave it. Let it be. You aren't strong enough, smart enough, quick-witted enough, talented enough, spiritual enough...you just aren't. Don't you know you're a liar? Don't you know you're a deceiver? Don't you know you are rude? Don't you know you are disrespectful? Don't you know you are the biggest sinner who ever walked the face of the earth? You're only option now is to fall into the consequences of the web you have spun."

That is what I convinced myself of. And so I conceded. I would give in. And I would hide it from everyone - including me - including G-d.
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Ephesians 5:12 For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.

SECRETS

If I had only known.......

...that there is someone who exists to tempt...
...that temptation leads to secrets...
...that secrets lead to lies...
...that lies lead to dishonor...
...that dishonor leads to shame...
...that shame leads to hiding...
...that hiding leads to sickness...
...that sickness leads to death...

.......I would not have decided to keep my drug; my independence.

I was happy where I was, living as a well-known translator. People all over the city and even in other states were now seeking me out. I was becoming popular - even through my dress. The churches were coming to know me and I started to realize that girls were changing the way they dressed at church according to what I was wearing. I was becoming a trend, and I loved it.

But my head swelled to quickly for my noticing. Before I knew it, I was not transmitting anything of importance or value - I was just showing off. And I was becoming more and more interested in boys - as would anyone my age. But the outlets I had were ones that supported my new addiction; secrets.

He was beautiful, talented and 10 years my senior. He was attractive, smart and a college graduate. He as business-like, but witty. He was my new fondness. I put my hope in knowing him, and he me. We spent so many hours together at work. And afterwards, long nights talking. We would come back home and spend hours on the phone. But, dating was not permissible at work. So, this would be our little secret.

In retrospect, I think he knew he was wrong to involve himself with a girl so young and naive - which is probably the reason he slowly backed away. But this kind of secret attraction had me hooked. I wanted a boy - not necessarily a boyfriend. I wanted someone who wanted me - I wanted to be wanted. And if you seek after something hard enough, you might just get what you asked for. And I was willing to seek, even in secret.

I had moved on from Mr. Translator. Although he still lived in the back of my mind, I knew there were more out there. So I went after them. I remember one Christmas, I found one - in secret - behind the curtains of the Christmas play at church. He was dating a friend of mine - but that didn't seem to bother me.

I was "helping" direct the play and singing the main solos for effect from behind the curtains. He was helping with extras. We hid out back there and found a fondness - in secret. Long story short - we dated, while he dated the other girl - which didn't bother me. We broke up after he became a father - with the other girl.

But during all this - my real secret was my secret boyfriend. Here's the kicker: he was someone who just happened to sleep in the same house, eat at the same table, and be a part of our missionary family. My deepest, darkest secret was what I kept closest to me - the hired help...

I was wrestling with something I didn't realize had so much power over me - darkness. Darkness seemed to want to pull me in to it's deadly grip more and more every day. I was giving in - to temptation, to secrets, to lies....
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Matthew 26:41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.