CRUSH

I'm not quite sure what's going to come out of this post, but I just feel like I should write.

It's been a LOOOONG time since I've had a night like tonight - everyone is gone to bed, and I am here in the quiet of the late hour. Usually, I am straight to bed after getting the toddler down, but tonight I have a bit of energy I haven't had in a while.

Driving home from work today, I heard a pastor speaking on the radio. I usually don't enjoy ANY kind of "talk" radio as I LOVE music. But every once in a while, a solid message is worth listening to. I don't know who was speaking, but he was commenting on being "crushed." I just looked it up online and sure enough, it was Chuck Swindoll - the message is called "The Cup that He Drank" from the series "How Great Is Our G-D" in case you want the podcast online.

He quoted Dr. Alan Redpath: "When G-D wants to do an impossible task, He takes an impossible person and crushes him."

The entire message was a a homerun for me, but that phrase really made me stop to listen. As soon as I heard "impossible person" and "crushes," I knew that was for me.

The goal of my life has been to do "impossible tasks." I love the idea of doing something that either hasn't been done, or is more than what people would expect of me. My cravings for justice and obedience fall right into that. I have always instinctively thought that my obedience would allow for great accomplishments. I will not try to deny the fact that I sinfully crave human recognition for great accomplishments. But I also crave G-D's recognition for my obedience. And I assumed that they went hand-in-hand. If I was obedient, then G-D would be able to do great things through me because He would be so proud of me.

Uh, no.

My heart was convicted today that G-D does NOT do great things through us because of the amount of our service, dedication, obedience, faithfulness, etc. He does great things, because of Himself. I was never so ignorant to the fact that He chooses the weak to shame the strong, the foolish to shame the wise (1 Cor. 1:27) - in fact, that is one of my favorite verses. It has always meant to me that He is most glorified when He chooses the most disqualified for His purposes. But what spoke to me today was the fact that sometimes, in order for us to be the chosen "disqualified" - HE must humble us - in more specific terms, He must CRUSH us. We are impossible people - I am IMPOSSIBLE. So, it is more than suiting that I would need to be crushed.

Pastor Swindoll has been in service for over 40 years, yet he spoke today that his life has not gotten easier. It's not like he was crushed during the beginning and is now relishing in the blessings afterwards. He even stated that he has never been SO CRUSHED in ministry as he has been over the past few recent years. His words tugged on my heart that I am not to be seeking out the blessings of service or dedication - but just to be obedient for obedience's sake. And in that obedience, we are to EXPECT the crushing. It's more than just knowing times will be "tough." I mean, I can live with a tough situation here or there, as long as I know there's a rainbow on the other side of the storm. But, it's living a life totally indifferent to my own desires and enthroning G-D regardless of the consequences or prices to be paid.

And ultimately, that is the carrying our own "cross." Bearing pain and suffering relentlessly for His glory and not out of expectation of recognition for obedience. Maybe these past months have been a type of crushing. And at so many points, I thought I had failed the test or would not live to see the outcome. But here I am - surviving. I'm not holding the prize at the end of the race - I'm just noticing that as scraped up as I might be, by grace - G-D's SWEET, UNIMAGINABLE GRACE, I'm still in it.

Oh, how I want to write about grace. Maybe next time.

When I was 9 years old, I made my first trip to Brazil. It was truly an amazing experience, especially for me at such a young age. We were in the Amazon region - and it was HOT. One night, after a LOOOOONG service, we were waiting on our bus to come pick us up. We were thoroughly exhausted, hungry and VERY thirsty. All the stores around were closed because of the late hour, but we smelled something so enticing. A bread store right beside the church was not open, but baking for the next morning. So, someone went in, bought a BUNCH of hot bread and the only drinks they had - Orange Crush. I had NEVER, and possible HAVE NEVER TO THIS DAY, had such a refreshing snack. Funny thing is, I don't think I have every purchased an orange crush since then, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

I hope this "crushing" is the same - I hope I don't have to go through it much more, but I'll hold onto these moments as precious, sweet, refreshing snacks in the middle of the famine. Maybe this "crush" will last me long enough to and teach me enough to make it to the next phase of this life where, hopefully, G-D will see fit to do an impossible task for HIS glory.