CRUSH

I'm not quite sure what's going to come out of this post, but I just feel like I should write.

It's been a LOOOONG time since I've had a night like tonight - everyone is gone to bed, and I am here in the quiet of the late hour. Usually, I am straight to bed after getting the toddler down, but tonight I have a bit of energy I haven't had in a while.

Driving home from work today, I heard a pastor speaking on the radio. I usually don't enjoy ANY kind of "talk" radio as I LOVE music. But every once in a while, a solid message is worth listening to. I don't know who was speaking, but he was commenting on being "crushed." I just looked it up online and sure enough, it was Chuck Swindoll - the message is called "The Cup that He Drank" from the series "How Great Is Our G-D" in case you want the podcast online.

He quoted Dr. Alan Redpath: "When G-D wants to do an impossible task, He takes an impossible person and crushes him."

The entire message was a a homerun for me, but that phrase really made me stop to listen. As soon as I heard "impossible person" and "crushes," I knew that was for me.

The goal of my life has been to do "impossible tasks." I love the idea of doing something that either hasn't been done, or is more than what people would expect of me. My cravings for justice and obedience fall right into that. I have always instinctively thought that my obedience would allow for great accomplishments. I will not try to deny the fact that I sinfully crave human recognition for great accomplishments. But I also crave G-D's recognition for my obedience. And I assumed that they went hand-in-hand. If I was obedient, then G-D would be able to do great things through me because He would be so proud of me.

Uh, no.

My heart was convicted today that G-D does NOT do great things through us because of the amount of our service, dedication, obedience, faithfulness, etc. He does great things, because of Himself. I was never so ignorant to the fact that He chooses the weak to shame the strong, the foolish to shame the wise (1 Cor. 1:27) - in fact, that is one of my favorite verses. It has always meant to me that He is most glorified when He chooses the most disqualified for His purposes. But what spoke to me today was the fact that sometimes, in order for us to be the chosen "disqualified" - HE must humble us - in more specific terms, He must CRUSH us. We are impossible people - I am IMPOSSIBLE. So, it is more than suiting that I would need to be crushed.

Pastor Swindoll has been in service for over 40 years, yet he spoke today that his life has not gotten easier. It's not like he was crushed during the beginning and is now relishing in the blessings afterwards. He even stated that he has never been SO CRUSHED in ministry as he has been over the past few recent years. His words tugged on my heart that I am not to be seeking out the blessings of service or dedication - but just to be obedient for obedience's sake. And in that obedience, we are to EXPECT the crushing. It's more than just knowing times will be "tough." I mean, I can live with a tough situation here or there, as long as I know there's a rainbow on the other side of the storm. But, it's living a life totally indifferent to my own desires and enthroning G-D regardless of the consequences or prices to be paid.

And ultimately, that is the carrying our own "cross." Bearing pain and suffering relentlessly for His glory and not out of expectation of recognition for obedience. Maybe these past months have been a type of crushing. And at so many points, I thought I had failed the test or would not live to see the outcome. But here I am - surviving. I'm not holding the prize at the end of the race - I'm just noticing that as scraped up as I might be, by grace - G-D's SWEET, UNIMAGINABLE GRACE, I'm still in it.

Oh, how I want to write about grace. Maybe next time.

When I was 9 years old, I made my first trip to Brazil. It was truly an amazing experience, especially for me at such a young age. We were in the Amazon region - and it was HOT. One night, after a LOOOOONG service, we were waiting on our bus to come pick us up. We were thoroughly exhausted, hungry and VERY thirsty. All the stores around were closed because of the late hour, but we smelled something so enticing. A bread store right beside the church was not open, but baking for the next morning. So, someone went in, bought a BUNCH of hot bread and the only drinks they had - Orange Crush. I had NEVER, and possible HAVE NEVER TO THIS DAY, had such a refreshing snack. Funny thing is, I don't think I have every purchased an orange crush since then, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

I hope this "crushing" is the same - I hope I don't have to go through it much more, but I'll hold onto these moments as precious, sweet, refreshing snacks in the middle of the famine. Maybe this "crush" will last me long enough to and teach me enough to make it to the next phase of this life where, hopefully, G-D will see fit to do an impossible task for HIS glory.

Coming Out Of Hiding

I was just looking back at the last time I posted on my blog - it was 7 months ago today.  And I don't believe in coincidence.  CAUTION:  This one is a doozy.

I really don't have words to describe what the past 7 months (and longer as you can tell by my previous posts) have been like.  A year ago today, we were ministering in Brazil with the intention of continuing full-time ministry when we returned in September.  Our plans seem to have run themselves right into the ground with a thundering crash.  The Brazil trip was wonderful and a blessing in so many ways, but when we returned our lives took a vastly different direction.  With the economic crisis, our financial support for ministry stopped almost completely and both I and my husband were basically jobless.  The congregation into which we had invested so much of our time and hearts fell to pieces all around us.  In fact, as I listen online to a congregational service now - it is more than appropriate that they are singing the very last song our worship team sang as a team - the same song that infiltrated our Brazil trip - How Great Is Our G-D.

Those first few months were tough, a test of faith and I can confidently say now - I failed.

I tried to hold on to all the Godly and faith-filled scripture, words and actions that had accompanied and supported me to this point in my life.  But this time, they did not take away pain, they did not bring peace, they did not pull me through.  My whole life, I clung to those sayings, those words of encouragement, those actions of faith and so it made no sense to me why they weren't working this time.

Here is the truth that VERY few people know - never in my life had I faced this dilemma to this degree - my relationship with the LORD withered and became next to non-existent.  Even through rebellion, depression, sickness and suicide, I had NEVER relinquished my faith and relationship with G-D.  Now, my prayers became shortened sentences of confusion and anger and they became fewer and further between until I felt absolutely no need to "seek Him" anymore.  (In fact, many people know that I was a a very dedicated person to prayer especially interceding for others - but I had to stop telling people I would pray for them, because I couldn't speak with Him anymore.)  In my understanding, He had done something I never experienced before and NEVER expected to experience.  He had not heard my cries when I was in anguish.  He had not provided for our needs.  He had not honored our dedication to Him.  In fact, at that time, the absolute lowest point of our lives, people began to attack us (not knowing they were adding to the pain) and with their comments and opinions chipped away at the last remaining pieces of my faith in G-D and His people.  Let me clarify, I am not blaming the death of my relationship with G-D on people, but in the end, they seemed to be the straw that broke this camel's back.

Who would have guessed that only a few months after my most intense efforts to serve Him, I would not even want to hear about Him anymore?

And December came - I found out I was pregnant.  Pregnant, jobless, ministry-less, church-less - I mean, that is just a BAD joke to play on someone who has nothing else to fall on.  Although I was excited about having another baby and a sibling for my daughter, this just seemed like the worst timing in the world.  But one sliver of faith found its way back - I cannot believe that life could come about in any other way than through a supreme Creator.  So, at least I accepted that He did this.  But this made things even more confusing - why me, why now - it could only complicate our situation more.

A nice-sized temporary job came to me right near the end of the month.  It would pay for some of our backed-up bills.  At least we would get a little breath above water.  And then, some blood.....

On December 26th, we went to the ER where after hours of waiting and crying over the possibility that my body was rejecting the life inside, we were told that I had a "threatened miscarriage."  In the words of the doctor: "we don't know why or how this happened, and we don't know why or how it stopped."  I had heard a speaker a while back say that once he prayed to G-D over a dead baby's body and asked G-D: "Why allow death?  It does not glorify You at this moment?"  And the baby breathed again and came back to life.  So, I immediately told the doctor, although I didn't know what caused it either, I knew why it had stopped.  (We also found out that day in the ER, that I was not as far along as we had first thought, in fact, I had probably discovered the pregnancy almost immediately.)

I was put on complete bedrest until my doctor released me from it almost 2 months later.  I realize that there are much more terrible situations and diseases in the world that people deal with, but at that moment, I didn't feel there was much else left in us that He could take away.

Little by little, I received more work.  By the end of the spring of '09, I had quite a busy schedule (at least enough to pay bills) as well as a big belly.  We discovered we were having a boy and he is quite the busy body.  I was never so hungry and exhausted with Hava as I was/am with this boy.  He seems to be quite the fighter - and with all reason.

In the same way that I felt an intense need to protect not only her, but myself physically, spiritually and emotionally during my pregnancy with Hava, I felt it even more so with this boy.  He was fighting hard enough, I wasn't going to make it any harder for him.  So, in my struggle to keep my emotions stable, I kept a great distance from G-D personally - prayer was out of the question.  I did, however, decide that if He truly was Who He claims to be, that I would look at Him through non-expectant eyes and simply study scripture as a disconnected third party.  I watched Him through the Torah (the Pentateuch, or first five books of the bible).  I realized I was further from Him than I thought.  He was on some level that I couldn't grasp.  But through that time, His Son, Yeshua (Jesus) made the Torah something more real and attainable to my mind's eye.  It's like I could relate to and even love this Yeshua - I just couldn't do that with the Father.  I started to realize that if I could find that connection with His Son and understand why and how Yeshua served and loved the Father, maybe I could come back.

Wait, what????  "Come back?"  I didn't leave!  I was there, crying, seeking, serving, searching, laying out my entire being before Him and He didn't answer!  I didn't leave - He did!

And it came to me:

*IF G-D is Who He says He is, He cannot change.

*IF G-D is truly G-D, He remains enthroned and sovereign.

*IF G-D does not change or move and I am further from Him - I must have moved.

I don't know how it happened.  I don't know when I moved or why I moved, but IF He is Who He says He is, He didn't fail me, I failed Him.

I looked back over the past year and noticed, we got behind in bills, but we never went without all the services.  We ate much more simply, but we never went hungry.  We didn't go out for entertainment, but we enjoyed our family company as well as other friends who surrounded us.  Maybe He didn't provide as He had in the past, but He also didn't leave.  He was compassionate to us while I complained about lacking.

*I've got to take a moment to give praise where praise is due - my husband held all the loose ends together during this past year.  He has done everything in his power to provide for us, protect us and to see me through this spiritual abyss.  I am so much more in love with him now, after watching him be a silent superhero to our family.*

Even though I am pregnant, I have not cried as much in the past few months as I have today writing this.  The pain of being wrong is too painful.  I have always wanted justice - I'll be the first to speak up when something is unfair.   And this feels unfair, but IF G-D is Who He says He is, there must be justice even in defeat.  I have been defeated, and so I have remained in hiding.  I am too ashamed, but with nothing to point to as the cause.  All I know, is that there is life growing inside me, strong and big and he will show us his face next month.  He will come out of "hiding" and whether we're ready or not, we will love him, provide for him and protect him.  In order for me to be where I need to be next month, I need to come out of my hiding now.

I'm sorry to those I have distanced myself from - the saying has never been more true - "it is not you, it's me."

I'm sorry I have not been able to step up and speak or act as you are accustomed.  

I'm sorry if I have not lived up to expectations, but I know that this is part of healing and renewing and stepping into the next phase of life.

This chorus struck me this week as words from the depths of my soul

(from To Know You - Nicole Nordeman):

And I, I really want to know You 
I want to make each day 
A different way that I can show You how 
I really want to love You 
Be patient with my doubt 
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will 
And I really want to know You still