A BABY CHANGES EVERYTHING

Whew, blogging....it is a rarity anymore; a precious gem in the middle of my beautiful, chaotic mess of a life. I love the moment to sit and think and soak and spew. A very dear friend of mine has a most exceptional blog - in my humble opinion, one of the best writing styles I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Yes, Joanna, that would be you! :o) Joanna has come to visit for a bit, and reading her blog has inspired me once again to take a moment (one of the few personal moments granted me) to open up and look inside exposing some self-awareness.

Since my last post, we have had another baby, Levi. He is now 7 months old. Huh - interesting, another 7 months between posts which was again unintentional, but probably not a coincidence again either.

I have to preface what I am going to write with something very important - Hava, my 3 year old daughter is a beautiful creation inside and out. She is a controlled container of unending energy, love and creativity. She is conquering various languages (Portuguese, English, Hebrew and Spanish - probably in that order), expressing her thoughts and feelings through music, movement and art, and intensifying her understanding of and care for the well-being of others. She is my "florzinha" (little flower) and I am a better person and woman having known her and being given the BLESSING of raising her. However, this post is not about her. I only feel the need to give her the rightful first-born place in my thought processes regarding my children.

Although I do NOT believe any selfish hopes, dreams or desires should be projected onto unsuspecting newborns as they are human beings and not meant to be the answers to any questions or resolutions to any problems, still I have to say that in Levi's entrance to this world, besides his very existence he brought a much needed gift with him to our family: peace.

Levi was born with some physical "imperfections," he has since been healed of them, and though that is a testifying story of blessing in and of itself, it is not what defines him. G-D brought Levi to us, to ME, in a very trying time of life (as you can probably tell from my previous posts). Because of this, and probably needless to say, I was a bit nervous about being given the responsibility of parenting a second child. I was uneasy about the added expenses, the difference of personality from my daughter's, the difference of his newborn sleeping and eating schedule and the readjusting of family, work and school schedules. But everything came to the most wonderfully unexpected halt when a porcelain-skinned, blue-eyed, SMILING boy came to rest in my arms. Except for the fact that we knew we were having a boy with some kidney issues by c-section, everything else about his entrance was beautifully surprising, including the peace.

A friend of mine who knows us well and our daughter, when meeting Levi for the first time, looked up at me and said with the most serious, emphatic words: "I have held many babies who are easy and calm - but Levi is different. He IS peace." And pretty much everyone who has met him has said the same thing - they are taken by the twinkle in his gorgeous blue eyes, the fact that he is such a light color and especially his smile. He can play alone marvelously for extended amount of time, ONLY complains if he is hungry, tired, hurting or dirty, and he is able to bring any stressful day where time is flying by to a peaceful pause. He has an uncanny way of looking at me and in a split second making my mind rest, my lungs breathe and my heart smile.

Intellectually speaking, I knew that each child would be different. What I did not expect was to receive through them the very thing I needed most at that moment in time. Hava brought a joy we had never known. She drew (and still draws) people's attention to her physical beauty and charming personality (outside of the sporadic toddler meltdowns). But Levi, although beautiful (have I mentioned the eyes ;)), although intelligent (fully crawling at barely 6 months in comparison with Hava's almost 9 months), and although a calm, fun personality (seriously, the boy smiles 95% of the time), brought peace.

I can't even find the words to describe this peace. It is incredible. It is lovely. It might just be one of the most precious gifts I have ever received. So, here is an excerpt from a prayer I love:

"May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life for us and for all Israel; and say Amen. May He who maketh peace in the heavens, make peace for us and for all Israel; and say Amen."

CRUSH

I'm not quite sure what's going to come out of this post, but I just feel like I should write.

It's been a LOOOONG time since I've had a night like tonight - everyone is gone to bed, and I am here in the quiet of the late hour. Usually, I am straight to bed after getting the toddler down, but tonight I have a bit of energy I haven't had in a while.

Driving home from work today, I heard a pastor speaking on the radio. I usually don't enjoy ANY kind of "talk" radio as I LOVE music. But every once in a while, a solid message is worth listening to. I don't know who was speaking, but he was commenting on being "crushed." I just looked it up online and sure enough, it was Chuck Swindoll - the message is called "The Cup that He Drank" from the series "How Great Is Our G-D" in case you want the podcast online.

He quoted Dr. Alan Redpath: "When G-D wants to do an impossible task, He takes an impossible person and crushes him."

The entire message was a a homerun for me, but that phrase really made me stop to listen. As soon as I heard "impossible person" and "crushes," I knew that was for me.

The goal of my life has been to do "impossible tasks." I love the idea of doing something that either hasn't been done, or is more than what people would expect of me. My cravings for justice and obedience fall right into that. I have always instinctively thought that my obedience would allow for great accomplishments. I will not try to deny the fact that I sinfully crave human recognition for great accomplishments. But I also crave G-D's recognition for my obedience. And I assumed that they went hand-in-hand. If I was obedient, then G-D would be able to do great things through me because He would be so proud of me.

Uh, no.

My heart was convicted today that G-D does NOT do great things through us because of the amount of our service, dedication, obedience, faithfulness, etc. He does great things, because of Himself. I was never so ignorant to the fact that He chooses the weak to shame the strong, the foolish to shame the wise (1 Cor. 1:27) - in fact, that is one of my favorite verses. It has always meant to me that He is most glorified when He chooses the most disqualified for His purposes. But what spoke to me today was the fact that sometimes, in order for us to be the chosen "disqualified" - HE must humble us - in more specific terms, He must CRUSH us. We are impossible people - I am IMPOSSIBLE. So, it is more than suiting that I would need to be crushed.

Pastor Swindoll has been in service for over 40 years, yet he spoke today that his life has not gotten easier. It's not like he was crushed during the beginning and is now relishing in the blessings afterwards. He even stated that he has never been SO CRUSHED in ministry as he has been over the past few recent years. His words tugged on my heart that I am not to be seeking out the blessings of service or dedication - but just to be obedient for obedience's sake. And in that obedience, we are to EXPECT the crushing. It's more than just knowing times will be "tough." I mean, I can live with a tough situation here or there, as long as I know there's a rainbow on the other side of the storm. But, it's living a life totally indifferent to my own desires and enthroning G-D regardless of the consequences or prices to be paid.

And ultimately, that is the carrying our own "cross." Bearing pain and suffering relentlessly for His glory and not out of expectation of recognition for obedience. Maybe these past months have been a type of crushing. And at so many points, I thought I had failed the test or would not live to see the outcome. But here I am - surviving. I'm not holding the prize at the end of the race - I'm just noticing that as scraped up as I might be, by grace - G-D's SWEET, UNIMAGINABLE GRACE, I'm still in it.

Oh, how I want to write about grace. Maybe next time.

When I was 9 years old, I made my first trip to Brazil. It was truly an amazing experience, especially for me at such a young age. We were in the Amazon region - and it was HOT. One night, after a LOOOOONG service, we were waiting on our bus to come pick us up. We were thoroughly exhausted, hungry and VERY thirsty. All the stores around were closed because of the late hour, but we smelled something so enticing. A bread store right beside the church was not open, but baking for the next morning. So, someone went in, bought a BUNCH of hot bread and the only drinks they had - Orange Crush. I had NEVER, and possible HAVE NEVER TO THIS DAY, had such a refreshing snack. Funny thing is, I don't think I have every purchased an orange crush since then, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

I hope this "crushing" is the same - I hope I don't have to go through it much more, but I'll hold onto these moments as precious, sweet, refreshing snacks in the middle of the famine. Maybe this "crush" will last me long enough to and teach me enough to make it to the next phase of this life where, hopefully, G-D will see fit to do an impossible task for HIS glory.

Coming Out Of Hiding

I was just looking back at the last time I posted on my blog - it was 7 months ago today.  And I don't believe in coincidence.  CAUTION:  This one is a doozy.

I really don't have words to describe what the past 7 months (and longer as you can tell by my previous posts) have been like.  A year ago today, we were ministering in Brazil with the intention of continuing full-time ministry when we returned in September.  Our plans seem to have run themselves right into the ground with a thundering crash.  The Brazil trip was wonderful and a blessing in so many ways, but when we returned our lives took a vastly different direction.  With the economic crisis, our financial support for ministry stopped almost completely and both I and my husband were basically jobless.  The congregation into which we had invested so much of our time and hearts fell to pieces all around us.  In fact, as I listen online to a congregational service now - it is more than appropriate that they are singing the very last song our worship team sang as a team - the same song that infiltrated our Brazil trip - How Great Is Our G-D.

Those first few months were tough, a test of faith and I can confidently say now - I failed.

I tried to hold on to all the Godly and faith-filled scripture, words and actions that had accompanied and supported me to this point in my life.  But this time, they did not take away pain, they did not bring peace, they did not pull me through.  My whole life, I clung to those sayings, those words of encouragement, those actions of faith and so it made no sense to me why they weren't working this time.

Here is the truth that VERY few people know - never in my life had I faced this dilemma to this degree - my relationship with the LORD withered and became next to non-existent.  Even through rebellion, depression, sickness and suicide, I had NEVER relinquished my faith and relationship with G-D.  Now, my prayers became shortened sentences of confusion and anger and they became fewer and further between until I felt absolutely no need to "seek Him" anymore.  (In fact, many people know that I was a a very dedicated person to prayer especially interceding for others - but I had to stop telling people I would pray for them, because I couldn't speak with Him anymore.)  In my understanding, He had done something I never experienced before and NEVER expected to experience.  He had not heard my cries when I was in anguish.  He had not provided for our needs.  He had not honored our dedication to Him.  In fact, at that time, the absolute lowest point of our lives, people began to attack us (not knowing they were adding to the pain) and with their comments and opinions chipped away at the last remaining pieces of my faith in G-D and His people.  Let me clarify, I am not blaming the death of my relationship with G-D on people, but in the end, they seemed to be the straw that broke this camel's back.

Who would have guessed that only a few months after my most intense efforts to serve Him, I would not even want to hear about Him anymore?

And December came - I found out I was pregnant.  Pregnant, jobless, ministry-less, church-less - I mean, that is just a BAD joke to play on someone who has nothing else to fall on.  Although I was excited about having another baby and a sibling for my daughter, this just seemed like the worst timing in the world.  But one sliver of faith found its way back - I cannot believe that life could come about in any other way than through a supreme Creator.  So, at least I accepted that He did this.  But this made things even more confusing - why me, why now - it could only complicate our situation more.

A nice-sized temporary job came to me right near the end of the month.  It would pay for some of our backed-up bills.  At least we would get a little breath above water.  And then, some blood.....

On December 26th, we went to the ER where after hours of waiting and crying over the possibility that my body was rejecting the life inside, we were told that I had a "threatened miscarriage."  In the words of the doctor: "we don't know why or how this happened, and we don't know why or how it stopped."  I had heard a speaker a while back say that once he prayed to G-D over a dead baby's body and asked G-D: "Why allow death?  It does not glorify You at this moment?"  And the baby breathed again and came back to life.  So, I immediately told the doctor, although I didn't know what caused it either, I knew why it had stopped.  (We also found out that day in the ER, that I was not as far along as we had first thought, in fact, I had probably discovered the pregnancy almost immediately.)

I was put on complete bedrest until my doctor released me from it almost 2 months later.  I realize that there are much more terrible situations and diseases in the world that people deal with, but at that moment, I didn't feel there was much else left in us that He could take away.

Little by little, I received more work.  By the end of the spring of '09, I had quite a busy schedule (at least enough to pay bills) as well as a big belly.  We discovered we were having a boy and he is quite the busy body.  I was never so hungry and exhausted with Hava as I was/am with this boy.  He seems to be quite the fighter - and with all reason.

In the same way that I felt an intense need to protect not only her, but myself physically, spiritually and emotionally during my pregnancy with Hava, I felt it even more so with this boy.  He was fighting hard enough, I wasn't going to make it any harder for him.  So, in my struggle to keep my emotions stable, I kept a great distance from G-D personally - prayer was out of the question.  I did, however, decide that if He truly was Who He claims to be, that I would look at Him through non-expectant eyes and simply study scripture as a disconnected third party.  I watched Him through the Torah (the Pentateuch, or first five books of the bible).  I realized I was further from Him than I thought.  He was on some level that I couldn't grasp.  But through that time, His Son, Yeshua (Jesus) made the Torah something more real and attainable to my mind's eye.  It's like I could relate to and even love this Yeshua - I just couldn't do that with the Father.  I started to realize that if I could find that connection with His Son and understand why and how Yeshua served and loved the Father, maybe I could come back.

Wait, what????  "Come back?"  I didn't leave!  I was there, crying, seeking, serving, searching, laying out my entire being before Him and He didn't answer!  I didn't leave - He did!

And it came to me:

*IF G-D is Who He says He is, He cannot change.

*IF G-D is truly G-D, He remains enthroned and sovereign.

*IF G-D does not change or move and I am further from Him - I must have moved.

I don't know how it happened.  I don't know when I moved or why I moved, but IF He is Who He says He is, He didn't fail me, I failed Him.

I looked back over the past year and noticed, we got behind in bills, but we never went without all the services.  We ate much more simply, but we never went hungry.  We didn't go out for entertainment, but we enjoyed our family company as well as other friends who surrounded us.  Maybe He didn't provide as He had in the past, but He also didn't leave.  He was compassionate to us while I complained about lacking.

*I've got to take a moment to give praise where praise is due - my husband held all the loose ends together during this past year.  He has done everything in his power to provide for us, protect us and to see me through this spiritual abyss.  I am so much more in love with him now, after watching him be a silent superhero to our family.*

Even though I am pregnant, I have not cried as much in the past few months as I have today writing this.  The pain of being wrong is too painful.  I have always wanted justice - I'll be the first to speak up when something is unfair.   And this feels unfair, but IF G-D is Who He says He is, there must be justice even in defeat.  I have been defeated, and so I have remained in hiding.  I am too ashamed, but with nothing to point to as the cause.  All I know, is that there is life growing inside me, strong and big and he will show us his face next month.  He will come out of "hiding" and whether we're ready or not, we will love him, provide for him and protect him.  In order for me to be where I need to be next month, I need to come out of my hiding now.

I'm sorry to those I have distanced myself from - the saying has never been more true - "it is not you, it's me."

I'm sorry I have not been able to step up and speak or act as you are accustomed.  

I'm sorry if I have not lived up to expectations, but I know that this is part of healing and renewing and stepping into the next phase of life.

This chorus struck me this week as words from the depths of my soul

(from To Know You - Nicole Nordeman):

And I, I really want to know You 
I want to make each day 
A different way that I can show You how 
I really want to love You 
Be patient with my doubt 
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will 
And I really want to know You still

How does this go again?

Well, it's baby time again.  I'm pregnant with number 2 due in August.  Our little girl will be 2 in January, so she should be pretty aware of what's going on when the baby comes.  Different from last time, this time we found out pretty early, so I wasn't really having any symptoms yet.  But they have started to show up.  My husband thinks it's psychological - I told him to go get pregnant and then let me know if it's psychological. :o)

It's only been a little over 2 years since the last time I was pregnant - I didn't think I would have forgotten so much about it.  I mean, I guess I vaguely remembered the idea of it, but the reality of being clumsy, forgetful, nauseated and tired have just now started to clearly make an appearance again.  I still have those crazy "what if my baby's not normal or what if there's a problem" jitters, but there is one idea that is a load off my mind this time - I AM going to be able to do this.  The first time I was pregnant, I guess because of the unknown, I spent so much time thinking about how in the world I was gonna do this and get it right.  Not that I have gotten everything right, in fact I have learned a lot, but at least I have experience on my side now and it's not such an unknown any more.  I understand that each baby is a completely different human being and each delivery is a different experience, but I am MUCH more at ease about this one - however JUST AS excited!!!

It's The Simple Things

Matthew 6:25-33

It's been potty-training time again.  We started a little over a month ago, but our daughter seemed to get bored of it.  We left it alone and came back to it this week.  I have to admit, I was very intimidated by it.  There is not too much that intimidates me in parenting (so far), but this potty training thing is scary.  I mean, this is for real....the kids have to learn to potty ON THEIR OWN.  Having to be on top of it every second is tiring.  I already have a headache today from running her to the potty every time she said something about #1 or 2.  :o)  But, to her credit, she has 10 stickers up today on her potty chart!

So, why am I bringing up my daughter's bodily functions?  For one, I am very excited that today was a very successful day.  She seems to really understand when the urge is coming, what she is supposed to say and do.  It's only day 2 of what I assume will at least take a week, but we achieved everything today.  So, here's to hoping we're done with diapers by the end of the week (at least during the day)!  Maybe I shouldn't have feared it so much after all.

The other reason I am writing is very personal.  I have been extremely stressed out lately.  In fact, I have noticed some old depression-esque habits creeping back.  We have just been in a tough stretch, as is everyone, mostly dealing with the economic crisis.  After watching my baby so excited about using the potty correctly and at the right time, something hit me.  She doesn't worry about the simple things - the things she needs.  They will come, and when they do, they are welcome.  Getting a sticker is just an extra blessing to her.  She's not using the potty because of the stickers, she's doing it because it's time.

And here I am, trying my best to stay humble, but grumbling every step of the way about unpaid bills, grocery needs and upcoming necessary expenses.  After talking to some of my friends lately and seeing what everyone is going through, I realized I need some perspective.  I need to realize that my needs WILL be met and that things really COULD be worse.  If the LORD is allowing me to go through this, why would He not prepare me and equip me to endure my simple hardships?

I used to always point the finger at people who worried about things that to me were not necessary - but why am I worried about the simple things - the daily needs of life?  Where is my faith?  Now I realize, if there is ANYTHING we definitely should NOT worry about, it's the simple things.  We know to whom we belong - and He is faithful.  He clothes us, feeds us and shelters us, even though we don't deserve it.  And regardless of how He decides to provide for us, He is worthy of our praise and our faith just for the sake of Who He is.  The LORD gives and the LORD takes away - BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!

Up Against A Wall

OK, so lately has been tough for us - for me.  And I am starting to realize we are not alone.  Friend after friend have been expressing their difficulties, their struggles, their trials and tribulations.  Today, I realized that sometimes the LORD allows our faith to be "cornered."  There are times that are just so difficult, no answer will suffice.  The only explanation is that G-D is growing our faith in a fantastically weird way.  It's almost like we are being shoved up against a wall...and the questions come like bullets out of a revolver: 

"NOW, do you REALLY believe?  Do you REALLY trust?  Where is your faith NOW?"

I won't attempt to decipher WHO is doing the asking.  But I can tell that these are important, life-changing questions.  When we confess and proclaim over and over again that we serve a Living G-D, that we trust Him with everything, that we belong to Him - there comes a point that we have to reaffirm those beliefs by hard, heart-wrenching decisions.  Sometimes, it seems so hard that we even consider (even if only for a fleeting millisecond) leaving it all behind and giving up everything we have stood for for so long.

We remember the rains, the storms, the tempests.  We remember the times where it seemed there was no way out, no way up, no possible positive solution.  And yet, in every example, something miraculous came of it.  It seems we forget about the "mini"miracles.  They are easy to remember when things are going smoothly, but seem like faded dreams when faced with the new hardship.

So, are you waiting for my proclamation of a glimpse of hope?  You're not going to find it- because in these kinds of times, you wouldn't believe it anyway.... I don't believe it.... 

But, we don't stop hoping for its existence.

If you find yourself in one of those end-of-the-line moments, remember it is not just you.  We are all there, on our own path and trying to find the right solution.  We are a team who fights solitary battles, but there is glory promised if we can just maintain our ground.

I can feel the back of my eyes burning

Yet for some reason I'm not allowed to cry

It's not that I'm afraid to shed a tear

I've done it many times, I just don't want to now.

I want to know what ails me and I want to find the cure.

In the midst of my uncertainty

I know that You are most certain of me

And I don't know why

You see the world that I cannot see

You see the ones who disregard me

And the plans for my life

You know every way that I'm untied

You hold me and tell me to cry

And I have to trust You're getting it right.

I am worn and torn, emptied, undone.

I have no idea from here which way to go.

Is there sin or something else within?

Is it me or something I cannot see?

I want to know what ails me and I want to find the cure.

In the midst of my uncertainty

I know that You are most certain of me

And I don't know why

You see the world that I cannot see

You see the ones who disregard me

And the plans for my life

You know every way that I'm untied

You hold me and let me cry

And I have to trust You're getting it right.

For You never change.

Why would You now?

If You are love, then love does abound.

Where I have failed, forgive me.

When I am lost, come find me.

Teach me what ails me and cure it completely.

The Texture I Love

So, my baby girl is into a new show on tv - Sid, the Science Kid.  Today, the lesson was about textures....what kinds are there and what do you like: rough, hard, soft, scratchy, smooth, etc.  I was thinking to back when I was a kid - I always liked smooth stuff, and actually, I still do.

After the INTENSE trip to Brazil, I was ready to come "home" and "rest."  I thought I could take a couple of weeks off and just get back to "normal."  Man, was I wrong!

On our drive back, we had to fly through the southern states as we were trying to bypass Gustav (the hurricane).  Al and I were talking about getting back to "normal."  Evidently, we believed that "abnormal" was how everyone else lived, and we were the normal ones.  Being over a month completely surrounded by non-believers is very trying, and tiring.  The more we thought about how their lives are chaotic, the more we were thankful for our "normal" life.  And then it hit us - our life is the abnormal one!  The norm is for people to be tempted and fall over and over again.  Until the power of Salvation comes to convict us and protect us from the monotonous sin-FULL life, the norm is to not know what blessing is, since it is so uncommmon.  But those of us who live lives in peace, order and growth - we are experiencing the true blessing.  We might get complacent in realizing that our norm is actually blessing, but it never ceases to be abundant blessing.  That's why our Savior said he came to give life, and life in ABUNDANCE....in this world, we will have troubles, but we have no fear for He has overcome the world!!!

So, I like my smoooooth ride.  I like my "abnormally" blessed life.  And here I was trying to "relax" after already having come back.  A couple of days ago, the LORD completely caught my attention - it was one of those moments that I could have sworn His voice was almost audible:

"What do you mean, you need to relax???  Do you really think you ever get a break from the spiritual?  Yes, you can rest in me, but you don't get a break from being a spiritual being.  Things will happen all around you all the time, and you have to maintain your guard.  Watch and pray.  Those who do not live in blessing need to be blessed by you, your life and your prayers.  You don't get a break from them.  But, remember, it is ME in you who does the work.  So, as much as I love you, you still have to keep up the battle....it is not over quite yet."

Yeah, I like things to be smooth, to go smoothly, but I'll make it even when the ride is rough and uncomfortable....and I am thankful to be back to my "abnormal" life!

Sin in Me, but Not Against Flesh and Blood?

I feel like I'm fighting a battle against myself.  I try to be very "spiritual" about it, but the fact of the matter is "what I do is not the good I ant to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing."(Rom 7:16-20)

But scripture is clear: "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Eph. 6:12)

So, what is it?  the sin in me or that evil which is always against us?

I was listening to a song today, the line said: "And to say that the devil made me do it, is a cop-out and a lie.  The devil can't make me do anything when I'm calling on Jesus Christ."

No, it is not me and no it is not the "evil."  Although, both have a strong pull on me - the fact remains that I am human, I live in a sin nature.  I serve the Creator who enables me to make decisions as to whether I go right or left.  His love gives me the choice, His mercy allows me to mess up, His forgiveness takes me back.  My trust and hope must be in Him - if I seek His face, His will, His way, my tendencies and the "evil" working against me will have no stronghold.

"But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.  Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.  Do not err, my beloved brethren." (James 1:14-16)

Lust = me

Enticement = evil

Conception = my lustful desire conceding to the enticement

Ok, so I'm a sin-natured human.  OK, so evil is out there wanting my downfall.  BUT, the conception is ONLY when the 2 meet; sin comes ONLY when we allow our selfish desires to be fed by the evil that surrounds us.  What a hope!

I am not yet perfect, nor will I be 'till we rest with Him.  In the meantime, I can rest assured, He is with me, to enable me to "do justly, love mercy and walk humbly" with my G-D. (Micah 6:8)  Let us call on the name of the L-RD to be delivered! (Joel 2:32)

I LOVE MY BABY GIRL!!!

Ok, so that's not news to any of you. But I have just been so blessed by that big-brown-eyed beauty. And being a parent to a beautiful toddler has fringe benefits...like ice-breakers; conversation openers...

Hava is and always has been a people person. But the cool thing about that is she can and does easily open conversations for us with SO MANY perfect strangers. It happens all the time...the grocery store, the mall, the park, the doctor's office....every where, and virtually EVERY TIME I have taken her in public since the day she was born. It happened again today. I won't go into the details, they're probably not that interesting to you, but a very precious thing did happen that I wanted to share.

Hava is not only a people person, but also VERY loving...she will randomly come up to any of us here at home and hug us, or kiss us...I have found her many times, coming up and leaning against my leg and planting one big wet one on my thigh. :o) With this particular stranger today, after warming up and sitting in their lap, with no influence whatsoever, our little 15-month-old turned around and threw her arms around this lady and gave her a huge bear hug...it moved the lady, but it also moved me.

Oh, how I wish I could love people regardless of knowing the good and bad about them. I wish I could walk up and throw my arms around someone and just let them know that they are loved...just let them feel the love of their Creator through a fellow creation. Hava didn't have to say anything, or understand anything...she didn't have to decide if this stranger needed or deserved her love...she just had plenty to share, so she did.

Any mother knows, there is always a slight hesitation when your baby is near a stranger. You don't want to bother them, but you also don't want them to bother your child. You don't want your child to get in their space, but you also want your child to be a blessing. As I watched from the other side of the room, I held back. I just trusted and knew that Hava belonged to G-d before she belonged to me, so He was watching out for her too (not to say I let her just go up to any and everyone)....in a few minutes, the lady was holding Hava in her lap, and looking at her tiny fingers. Hava closed her fingers inside the lady's hand. The stranger said: "See how you're little hand fits right inside mine? That's how we all fit inside Jesus' hand."

I didn't know the lady, and she was older so I wasn't afraid of her. But had I gone with my first instinct to not allow Hava to be a "bother" to her, I would have impeded a moment of blessing for all of us there. Conversation opened up and we shared details of our lives...all because of my little people person.

See why I love her? ;o)

Up All Night

For about the past month, there have been several occasions where I have been awake in the wee hours of the morning. Anyone who knows me knows I sleep...I like to sleep...I sleep a lot! :o) Most of it is actually a physical need after everything medical I have been through. But I also enjoy my sleep...I guess every mother does.

The first few times I was up was with our baby girl. She has been teething (again), and also has had a cold. She ended up sleeping with us quite a few times. But she is back in her bed now and sleeping soundly.

After all that was over, I was still waking up at 2 or 3 am. The first time I really couldn't figure it out. I had a million thoughts flying through my brain and then I realized the L-rd was waking me up. Since we have a big evangelistic project coming up, I have been praying a lot for the souls who are needing Him. The other night, I realized He didn't want me just to pray for them, but to pray for myself....to be prepared for what He might require of me. It kind of scares me...am I ready to give up whatever He asks for the sake of someone else's salvation? I think many wives and mothers can relate...just the thought of losing your family is so overwhelming, that we sometimes relinquish the thought as soon as it comes. At the same time, I am very aware that the L-rd gives, and He takes away. Blessed be His name!

Al and I have been asking by literally DOZENS of people for us to pray specifically for them. There are so many people suffering, it is hard to keep up with all their needs. The night before last, I woke up again and started praying for them. I was up for 2 hours just talking with the L-rd and asking His guidance and protection over us. As my husband slept beside me, and our baby girl in her crib nearby, I felt an overwhelming need to pray for their safety. I don't know exactly what, but I know a lot will be required of us, because we have been given much. (Luke 12:48)

I am not really at any kind of revelation here, but I would love any prayers interceded on our behalf. There is such a big task ahead of us...

MS. OPRAH

I've gotta say, I am an Oprah fan. I think she genuinely wants to help educate people. Yeah, she's a little on the arrogant side sometimes, a little vain here and there and a little "everybody will find their own way to G-D" - but I still feel like I learn things from her.

She found a "new thing" lately - a book called "A New Earth." Ok, first of all, I haven't read it. Second of all, I think any philosophy that keeps G-D on the sidelines and puts our efforts in primary place is a little off kilter. My other concern with these type of philosophies is that theoretically, they are beautiful ideas if EVERYONE were to follow them, but that is just not reality. And when you run into someone who doesn't practice what you do, you have to get out of the theory and a bit more in to the practical. But there was one idea that I heard her talking about that I do agree with.

The concept is that many times, we create/invent stories in our heads about what someone else is thinking, or what we "would" do "if" such and such were to happen. Anyway, the idea being that we waste time thinking about things that aren't really happening instead of living in the "moment." I think we can plan for certain events, of course. And I'm all for being proactive. But I do find myself too many time making up "stories" that get me worried or frustrated or feeding emotions that are negative to my testimony.

Anyway, I hope and pray that I can allow the L-rd to move in me so that I can be a more positive-thinking person. Not out of my own strength, because that has "failure" written all over it. But I do believe we can find a more peaceful and powerful way of living, when we allow the peace of the L-rd reign in our lives. His positive nature can overcome us and lead us to places we never knew we could reach.

S.S.V.

It happened within an increment of a second...the quick, but obvious message to me. I didn't see it coming, I can't deny that it happened. A still, small voice spoke to me and said:

"You are loved, now listen-
Things can't be as you have planned,
Although your plans came from an earnest heart,
Although they were good and honest plans,
They were your plans, not Mine.

I will not disclose to you every detail of My plans,
But I will pour this peace over you.
Let go of your ideas; your plans.

Hold fast to this:
I have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you,
plans to give you a hope and a future.
Seek first the Kingdom,
And all these things will be added to you."

And the split second was over. Tears came to my eyes. The conversation continued, but with my response to the overwhelming still, small voice.

Ok, as You wish.
Crush my plans if they are not Yours.
Break me if I am not in Your will.
Do not allow me to step in Your way,
To unknowingly undermine a perfect plan.
Lead me on the straight and narrow.
I will endure the pain, for my pain is Your glory.
Be glorified.

It was an intense second of time....the conversation with the still, small voice.

This blog keeps getting left behind. Sorry about that. Our main family blog is: www.leites.blogspot.com
So come visit us there - much more day-to-day info.

I Caught Myself....


I never think it will happen again, but I caught myself forgetting it ever did.

I always thought I would pay attention, but I caught myself being oblivious to the signs.

I took the lesson learned so seriously, but I caught myself reliving it half-heartedly.

I saw a picture; heard a voice and I caught myself reevaluating.

If life is so important to us that we do the work of getting through each day, why is it so easy to forget the fragility of it all? Why is it that we simply ignore the facts of life...and death? It should never catch us by surprise. I has always been this way and will be until the end of time. But we are shocked, devastated and debilitated by the reality of the end of life as we know it.

No, no one died, at least no one I know....but somewhere, someone's loved one, someone's child, someone's parent, someone's friend, someone's most valued partner on this journey has gone on. And my turn is coming...it has to be coming, so I must not forget, be oblivious, relive it unemotionally, or reevaluate the price again. It will be my turn one day - to be parted or to depart. No surprises. Just peace and the knowledge that we knew it would come. I hope I catch myself....prepared.

Call me, I will go.

Ask me, I will answer.

Tell me, I will listen.

Teach me, I will obey.

Show me, I will believe.

Free me, I will fly.

Protect me, I will stay.

Guide me, I will follow.

For all YOU have done for me,
the least I can do is dedicate my actions to YOUR honor and service.

REMEMBERED OR FORGOTTEN

I love movies. No, really, I LOVE them. I love the escape from "real life," I love the comparisons with my reality, I love the problems needing resolutions. I love that within a span of about 2 hours, you can "get to know" someone, grow to "care" about them and see yourself in their every move.

I just have two problems with movies...one is, I just can't walk away from them. When a movie is over, I am still there, in the moment, thinking, feeling, drawing my own conclusions. I can be moved to tears, to anger, or to a gut-busting belly laugh. And I just can't walk away from it. I can't leave it behind. For at least a few more moments, maybe hours, maybe days - I am still in that moment. I can't forget.

My second problem with them is that as much as they try to include the "entirety" of a life in 2 hours - that's impossible. Real-life laughter is much dorkier. Real-life cry sessions last for hours and days. Real-life sadness can span generations. Real-life love faces daily battles of fidelity and perseverance. The incredible nature of life itself is not in the marking moments, but the daily dedication to existing for a purpose. A movie cannot do a life justice.

And now I am here. The movie is over, the 2 lovers have found sweet peace in each other's arms and the credits roll. But I am here. Left in the movie of my life. And the 2 hours never end....sometimes it seems like the boring part is lasting for days or months. The funny part doesn't last long enough and wasn't nearly as quick-witted. Or the sad part doesn't have an immediate answer to the pain. The painful part is hidden in daily activities. The things to be remembered are so easily forgotten. And I wake up, and start the script again.

So let's say someone one day many many years from now has the ridiculous idea of making a 2-hour movie of my life. A real movie. Honestly, who would want to watch that? And even if they did - you know, let's just say for criticism's sake - wouldn't they forget it as soon as the theatre exit doors opened? Is my life forgettable? Are my experiences just random occurrences that I happened to be there for? Or is it possible that I created my life - I created my opportunities? And therefor, if my life is forgettable, have I made it that way?

In one sense, I don't want to be remembered. May HE who lives in me be remembered. But for His name's sake, what am I doing so that He is recognized? Is it really prudent to live a life so easily forgettable? Was I created to NOT make an impact? Is the reason for my existence to fade into the woodwork?

I sit here in the late evening/early morning hours longing for my movie to be memorable. If it provokes emotion, if it provokes controversy, if it provokes solutions, if it provokes changes - at least it would be doing something. I feel like I am sitting here living just because that's my job...I want to live, not so that people can watch a movie about me. But I want to live to make an impact - on whoever that impact needs to be made. I will try to be quick-witted, I will try to have intelligent replies, I will try to be lovely, to be open, to be vulnerable - I can try. I just can't promise you that I will be interesting.

So, here's an idea: watch the movie for the unseen Character. He's here. He's much more intelligent, quick-witted, lovely, open and interesting than all of Hollywood put together. If my life is to serve a purpose, may it be for the purpose for which I was created and not for my own purposes. May He mold me and manipulate me to accomplish the goal He has in mind. There's a movie for you. A person, not living for themselves or anyone else, but living for their Creator - being a tool, a vehicle for the unseen. A forgettable main character with a memorable existence. May it be, and forever so.

MIGRAINES

Those of you who have them, no explanation is necessary. Those of you who don't - here's a brief description:

*throbbing head pain
*incredible sensitivity to light
*ANY noise is TOO MUCH
*nausea, nausea and more NAUSEA (sometimes accompanied by actual vomiting)
*hot/cold/hot/cold within seconds
*total body pain (like the flu)

What gets me is that no matter how much it is explained, those who don't have them still refer to migraines as "headaches." They are SO NOT headaches. But if you don't have them, I guess it doesn't make any difference. We all tend to analyze what we don't know by comparing it with what we do know.

So, I had a migraine today. I am one of those people who have had them since back BEFORE there were OTC migraine remedies. So, I remember vividly the days of long, countless hours - sometimes days - in the dark, with a wet towel on my head in complete silence waiting for the anguish to give up - even if just a little.

Now, thanks to Excedrin Migraine, in 30 min. I am almost back to new again. I know, I sound like a commercial. But, it is incredible. Anyway, I don't want to write to advocate one med or another. I just wanted to figure out what G-D wanted me to learn through this...through these.

I guess what hits home the most with me is that I tend to think I can understand someone when they are telling me about their life, their problems, or their situations. Then I immediately try to think of something to help remedy their problems. The fact of the matter is, unless I have personally been through it, how can I really UNDERSTAND another person's experience? Everyone has their own path, their own experiences and who am I to doubt that or to be arrogant enough to think I have seen it all? It gives me a new perspective on compassion....I can't be compassionate because I necessarily identify with their situation, but because I validate their experience and I value them as a person.

So, yeah...migraines....they stink! :o)

YET AGAIN

Do you remember a while back when I wrote about facing a battle? Yeah, I've been facing a giant - yet again. And the funny thing is, at the beginning - when the giant first shows up, there's this outrageous fear and trembling that happens within me. Then, when I get a bit of my sense back, I realize that the trepidation comes from myself. The enemy doesn't make me fearful, I do that alone. So, I just try my best to "suck it up." And at that same moment, I am able to see the true size of the giant - he is nothing compared to my G-D. If I truly trust in the all-powerful, all-present, and all-knowing Creator, the only fear and trembling that I should have is that which belongs to Him. The battle becomes simple, not easy, but simple: I believe, HE conquers and the enemy fails - yet again, and may it always be!

I'm In LOVE!

I guess this should happen more times during the year, but tonight I was able to stop for a few minutes and contemplate just how in love I am:

...in love with my husband
He is truly unlike anyone else I know. He is honest, giving, caring, genuine, fun, dedicated, patient, discerning, loving, compassionate, humble - not necessarily in that order. But I could go on and on. I am most in love with him, though, not because of WHO he is, but because he is who G-D placed in my life to bless me and help me live to please the L-RD and minister to others.

...in love with my daughter
She is my pride. I truly had nothing to call "my own" of which I was truly proud until January 2007. But I want every human on earth to have the privilege of receiving the affection she so freely gives. To see her smile is to see G-D's own peace on earth. To feel her warm embrace is to know what true affection feels like. To experience her, with her warm kisses, her bright eyes, her infectious laugh, her sweet voice, her intelligent interaction is to experience a miracle. She is what we always prayed and pray for: a blessing.

...in love with my friends
I have great friends, probably the best on earth. They have seen me through so much and each one of them deserves a big ol' trophy to sit on the mantle just for putting up with me. I with I had more time to spend with them, but their affection for my husband and daughter fill my heart with peace that I have everything I need in my friends.

...in love with my job
Oh, how I love to say that! I have THE BEST job on earth. I teach private voice lessons as well as helping recording artists in studio and live performers. I LOVE my students, I really, truly do. They are devoted to their art, so I am devoted to them.

...in love with my L-RD
There is no better company to have with my 24-7 than my Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer. HE is worthy of ALL praise - because of WHO He is, because of WHAT He does (and has done) and because of HOW He is able. I am still breathing today because of His deep, devoted love and care for me. I would absolutely give up EVERYTHING and EVERYONE I have in order to have one more day with Him. He is worth the effort to face each day, to face each trial, to cry each tear, to fight each battle, to hold on tight.

...in love with my life
I am much more than blessed...there are no words for the life I live. It far exceeds any novel, any award-winning movie, any fairytale, any fantasy, any ideological life. My life is one of redemption, salvation, sustenance, comfort, compassion, care, peace, and ultimately: love. Not the emotion "love," but the action of "love." I am living proof that you cannot believe what you see, what you hear, what you read of love. I am proof that blessing doesn't only come to the deserving. I am proof that there truly is a G-D and He truly is involved with His creation. There are no explanations for my existence. There is only the miracle of life and love.

I know 2008 (which lies virtually minutes away from me) will not only be granted to me, but will be another wonderful addition to the spectacular miracle I already live. I only pray that those who do not yet know this peaceful hope will come to recognition before time is stopped forevermore.

This time last year, I really had no idea of the goals the L-RD would accomplish in my life. But as each year passes, I get more excited to see the miraculous wonders that only the Living G-D of Israel could accomplish. He is G-D - May His NAME forever be exalted!!!