I can feel the back of my eyes burning

Yet for some reason I'm not allowed to cry

It's not that I'm afraid to shed a tear

I've done it many times, I just don't want to now.

I want to know what ails me and I want to find the cure.

In the midst of my uncertainty

I know that You are most certain of me

And I don't know why

You see the world that I cannot see

You see the ones who disregard me

And the plans for my life

You know every way that I'm untied

You hold me and tell me to cry

And I have to trust You're getting it right.

I am worn and torn, emptied, undone.

I have no idea from here which way to go.

Is there sin or something else within?

Is it me or something I cannot see?

I want to know what ails me and I want to find the cure.

In the midst of my uncertainty

I know that You are most certain of me

And I don't know why

You see the world that I cannot see

You see the ones who disregard me

And the plans for my life

You know every way that I'm untied

You hold me and let me cry

And I have to trust You're getting it right.

For You never change.

Why would You now?

If You are love, then love does abound.

Where I have failed, forgive me.

When I am lost, come find me.

Teach me what ails me and cure it completely.

The Texture I Love

So, my baby girl is into a new show on tv - Sid, the Science Kid.  Today, the lesson was about textures....what kinds are there and what do you like: rough, hard, soft, scratchy, smooth, etc.  I was thinking to back when I was a kid - I always liked smooth stuff, and actually, I still do.

After the INTENSE trip to Brazil, I was ready to come "home" and "rest."  I thought I could take a couple of weeks off and just get back to "normal."  Man, was I wrong!

On our drive back, we had to fly through the southern states as we were trying to bypass Gustav (the hurricane).  Al and I were talking about getting back to "normal."  Evidently, we believed that "abnormal" was how everyone else lived, and we were the normal ones.  Being over a month completely surrounded by non-believers is very trying, and tiring.  The more we thought about how their lives are chaotic, the more we were thankful for our "normal" life.  And then it hit us - our life is the abnormal one!  The norm is for people to be tempted and fall over and over again.  Until the power of Salvation comes to convict us and protect us from the monotonous sin-FULL life, the norm is to not know what blessing is, since it is so uncommmon.  But those of us who live lives in peace, order and growth - we are experiencing the true blessing.  We might get complacent in realizing that our norm is actually blessing, but it never ceases to be abundant blessing.  That's why our Savior said he came to give life, and life in ABUNDANCE....in this world, we will have troubles, but we have no fear for He has overcome the world!!!

So, I like my smoooooth ride.  I like my "abnormally" blessed life.  And here I was trying to "relax" after already having come back.  A couple of days ago, the LORD completely caught my attention - it was one of those moments that I could have sworn His voice was almost audible:

"What do you mean, you need to relax???  Do you really think you ever get a break from the spiritual?  Yes, you can rest in me, but you don't get a break from being a spiritual being.  Things will happen all around you all the time, and you have to maintain your guard.  Watch and pray.  Those who do not live in blessing need to be blessed by you, your life and your prayers.  You don't get a break from them.  But, remember, it is ME in you who does the work.  So, as much as I love you, you still have to keep up the battle....it is not over quite yet."

Yeah, I like things to be smooth, to go smoothly, but I'll make it even when the ride is rough and uncomfortable....and I am thankful to be back to my "abnormal" life!

Sin in Me, but Not Against Flesh and Blood?

I feel like I'm fighting a battle against myself.  I try to be very "spiritual" about it, but the fact of the matter is "what I do is not the good I ant to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing."(Rom 7:16-20)

But scripture is clear: "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Eph. 6:12)

So, what is it?  the sin in me or that evil which is always against us?

I was listening to a song today, the line said: "And to say that the devil made me do it, is a cop-out and a lie.  The devil can't make me do anything when I'm calling on Jesus Christ."

No, it is not me and no it is not the "evil."  Although, both have a strong pull on me - the fact remains that I am human, I live in a sin nature.  I serve the Creator who enables me to make decisions as to whether I go right or left.  His love gives me the choice, His mercy allows me to mess up, His forgiveness takes me back.  My trust and hope must be in Him - if I seek His face, His will, His way, my tendencies and the "evil" working against me will have no stronghold.

"But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.  Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.  Do not err, my beloved brethren." (James 1:14-16)

Lust = me

Enticement = evil

Conception = my lustful desire conceding to the enticement

Ok, so I'm a sin-natured human.  OK, so evil is out there wanting my downfall.  BUT, the conception is ONLY when the 2 meet; sin comes ONLY when we allow our selfish desires to be fed by the evil that surrounds us.  What a hope!

I am not yet perfect, nor will I be 'till we rest with Him.  In the meantime, I can rest assured, He is with me, to enable me to "do justly, love mercy and walk humbly" with my G-D. (Micah 6:8)  Let us call on the name of the L-RD to be delivered! (Joel 2:32)

I LOVE MY BABY GIRL!!!

Ok, so that's not news to any of you. But I have just been so blessed by that big-brown-eyed beauty. And being a parent to a beautiful toddler has fringe benefits...like ice-breakers; conversation openers...

Hava is and always has been a people person. But the cool thing about that is she can and does easily open conversations for us with SO MANY perfect strangers. It happens all the time...the grocery store, the mall, the park, the doctor's office....every where, and virtually EVERY TIME I have taken her in public since the day she was born. It happened again today. I won't go into the details, they're probably not that interesting to you, but a very precious thing did happen that I wanted to share.

Hava is not only a people person, but also VERY loving...she will randomly come up to any of us here at home and hug us, or kiss us...I have found her many times, coming up and leaning against my leg and planting one big wet one on my thigh. :o) With this particular stranger today, after warming up and sitting in their lap, with no influence whatsoever, our little 15-month-old turned around and threw her arms around this lady and gave her a huge bear hug...it moved the lady, but it also moved me.

Oh, how I wish I could love people regardless of knowing the good and bad about them. I wish I could walk up and throw my arms around someone and just let them know that they are loved...just let them feel the love of their Creator through a fellow creation. Hava didn't have to say anything, or understand anything...she didn't have to decide if this stranger needed or deserved her love...she just had plenty to share, so she did.

Any mother knows, there is always a slight hesitation when your baby is near a stranger. You don't want to bother them, but you also don't want them to bother your child. You don't want your child to get in their space, but you also want your child to be a blessing. As I watched from the other side of the room, I held back. I just trusted and knew that Hava belonged to G-d before she belonged to me, so He was watching out for her too (not to say I let her just go up to any and everyone)....in a few minutes, the lady was holding Hava in her lap, and looking at her tiny fingers. Hava closed her fingers inside the lady's hand. The stranger said: "See how you're little hand fits right inside mine? That's how we all fit inside Jesus' hand."

I didn't know the lady, and she was older so I wasn't afraid of her. But had I gone with my first instinct to not allow Hava to be a "bother" to her, I would have impeded a moment of blessing for all of us there. Conversation opened up and we shared details of our lives...all because of my little people person.

See why I love her? ;o)

Up All Night

For about the past month, there have been several occasions where I have been awake in the wee hours of the morning. Anyone who knows me knows I sleep...I like to sleep...I sleep a lot! :o) Most of it is actually a physical need after everything medical I have been through. But I also enjoy my sleep...I guess every mother does.

The first few times I was up was with our baby girl. She has been teething (again), and also has had a cold. She ended up sleeping with us quite a few times. But she is back in her bed now and sleeping soundly.

After all that was over, I was still waking up at 2 or 3 am. The first time I really couldn't figure it out. I had a million thoughts flying through my brain and then I realized the L-rd was waking me up. Since we have a big evangelistic project coming up, I have been praying a lot for the souls who are needing Him. The other night, I realized He didn't want me just to pray for them, but to pray for myself....to be prepared for what He might require of me. It kind of scares me...am I ready to give up whatever He asks for the sake of someone else's salvation? I think many wives and mothers can relate...just the thought of losing your family is so overwhelming, that we sometimes relinquish the thought as soon as it comes. At the same time, I am very aware that the L-rd gives, and He takes away. Blessed be His name!

Al and I have been asking by literally DOZENS of people for us to pray specifically for them. There are so many people suffering, it is hard to keep up with all their needs. The night before last, I woke up again and started praying for them. I was up for 2 hours just talking with the L-rd and asking His guidance and protection over us. As my husband slept beside me, and our baby girl in her crib nearby, I felt an overwhelming need to pray for their safety. I don't know exactly what, but I know a lot will be required of us, because we have been given much. (Luke 12:48)

I am not really at any kind of revelation here, but I would love any prayers interceded on our behalf. There is such a big task ahead of us...

MS. OPRAH

I've gotta say, I am an Oprah fan. I think she genuinely wants to help educate people. Yeah, she's a little on the arrogant side sometimes, a little vain here and there and a little "everybody will find their own way to G-D" - but I still feel like I learn things from her.

She found a "new thing" lately - a book called "A New Earth." Ok, first of all, I haven't read it. Second of all, I think any philosophy that keeps G-D on the sidelines and puts our efforts in primary place is a little off kilter. My other concern with these type of philosophies is that theoretically, they are beautiful ideas if EVERYONE were to follow them, but that is just not reality. And when you run into someone who doesn't practice what you do, you have to get out of the theory and a bit more in to the practical. But there was one idea that I heard her talking about that I do agree with.

The concept is that many times, we create/invent stories in our heads about what someone else is thinking, or what we "would" do "if" such and such were to happen. Anyway, the idea being that we waste time thinking about things that aren't really happening instead of living in the "moment." I think we can plan for certain events, of course. And I'm all for being proactive. But I do find myself too many time making up "stories" that get me worried or frustrated or feeding emotions that are negative to my testimony.

Anyway, I hope and pray that I can allow the L-rd to move in me so that I can be a more positive-thinking person. Not out of my own strength, because that has "failure" written all over it. But I do believe we can find a more peaceful and powerful way of living, when we allow the peace of the L-rd reign in our lives. His positive nature can overcome us and lead us to places we never knew we could reach.

S.S.V.

It happened within an increment of a second...the quick, but obvious message to me. I didn't see it coming, I can't deny that it happened. A still, small voice spoke to me and said:

"You are loved, now listen-
Things can't be as you have planned,
Although your plans came from an earnest heart,
Although they were good and honest plans,
They were your plans, not Mine.

I will not disclose to you every detail of My plans,
But I will pour this peace over you.
Let go of your ideas; your plans.

Hold fast to this:
I have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you,
plans to give you a hope and a future.
Seek first the Kingdom,
And all these things will be added to you."

And the split second was over. Tears came to my eyes. The conversation continued, but with my response to the overwhelming still, small voice.

Ok, as You wish.
Crush my plans if they are not Yours.
Break me if I am not in Your will.
Do not allow me to step in Your way,
To unknowingly undermine a perfect plan.
Lead me on the straight and narrow.
I will endure the pain, for my pain is Your glory.
Be glorified.

It was an intense second of time....the conversation with the still, small voice.

This blog keeps getting left behind. Sorry about that. Our main family blog is: www.leites.blogspot.com
So come visit us there - much more day-to-day info.

I Caught Myself....


I never think it will happen again, but I caught myself forgetting it ever did.

I always thought I would pay attention, but I caught myself being oblivious to the signs.

I took the lesson learned so seriously, but I caught myself reliving it half-heartedly.

I saw a picture; heard a voice and I caught myself reevaluating.

If life is so important to us that we do the work of getting through each day, why is it so easy to forget the fragility of it all? Why is it that we simply ignore the facts of life...and death? It should never catch us by surprise. I has always been this way and will be until the end of time. But we are shocked, devastated and debilitated by the reality of the end of life as we know it.

No, no one died, at least no one I know....but somewhere, someone's loved one, someone's child, someone's parent, someone's friend, someone's most valued partner on this journey has gone on. And my turn is coming...it has to be coming, so I must not forget, be oblivious, relive it unemotionally, or reevaluate the price again. It will be my turn one day - to be parted or to depart. No surprises. Just peace and the knowledge that we knew it would come. I hope I catch myself....prepared.

Call me, I will go.

Ask me, I will answer.

Tell me, I will listen.

Teach me, I will obey.

Show me, I will believe.

Free me, I will fly.

Protect me, I will stay.

Guide me, I will follow.

For all YOU have done for me,
the least I can do is dedicate my actions to YOUR honor and service.

REMEMBERED OR FORGOTTEN

I love movies. No, really, I LOVE them. I love the escape from "real life," I love the comparisons with my reality, I love the problems needing resolutions. I love that within a span of about 2 hours, you can "get to know" someone, grow to "care" about them and see yourself in their every move.

I just have two problems with movies...one is, I just can't walk away from them. When a movie is over, I am still there, in the moment, thinking, feeling, drawing my own conclusions. I can be moved to tears, to anger, or to a gut-busting belly laugh. And I just can't walk away from it. I can't leave it behind. For at least a few more moments, maybe hours, maybe days - I am still in that moment. I can't forget.

My second problem with them is that as much as they try to include the "entirety" of a life in 2 hours - that's impossible. Real-life laughter is much dorkier. Real-life cry sessions last for hours and days. Real-life sadness can span generations. Real-life love faces daily battles of fidelity and perseverance. The incredible nature of life itself is not in the marking moments, but the daily dedication to existing for a purpose. A movie cannot do a life justice.

And now I am here. The movie is over, the 2 lovers have found sweet peace in each other's arms and the credits roll. But I am here. Left in the movie of my life. And the 2 hours never end....sometimes it seems like the boring part is lasting for days or months. The funny part doesn't last long enough and wasn't nearly as quick-witted. Or the sad part doesn't have an immediate answer to the pain. The painful part is hidden in daily activities. The things to be remembered are so easily forgotten. And I wake up, and start the script again.

So let's say someone one day many many years from now has the ridiculous idea of making a 2-hour movie of my life. A real movie. Honestly, who would want to watch that? And even if they did - you know, let's just say for criticism's sake - wouldn't they forget it as soon as the theatre exit doors opened? Is my life forgettable? Are my experiences just random occurrences that I happened to be there for? Or is it possible that I created my life - I created my opportunities? And therefor, if my life is forgettable, have I made it that way?

In one sense, I don't want to be remembered. May HE who lives in me be remembered. But for His name's sake, what am I doing so that He is recognized? Is it really prudent to live a life so easily forgettable? Was I created to NOT make an impact? Is the reason for my existence to fade into the woodwork?

I sit here in the late evening/early morning hours longing for my movie to be memorable. If it provokes emotion, if it provokes controversy, if it provokes solutions, if it provokes changes - at least it would be doing something. I feel like I am sitting here living just because that's my job...I want to live, not so that people can watch a movie about me. But I want to live to make an impact - on whoever that impact needs to be made. I will try to be quick-witted, I will try to have intelligent replies, I will try to be lovely, to be open, to be vulnerable - I can try. I just can't promise you that I will be interesting.

So, here's an idea: watch the movie for the unseen Character. He's here. He's much more intelligent, quick-witted, lovely, open and interesting than all of Hollywood put together. If my life is to serve a purpose, may it be for the purpose for which I was created and not for my own purposes. May He mold me and manipulate me to accomplish the goal He has in mind. There's a movie for you. A person, not living for themselves or anyone else, but living for their Creator - being a tool, a vehicle for the unseen. A forgettable main character with a memorable existence. May it be, and forever so.

MIGRAINES

Those of you who have them, no explanation is necessary. Those of you who don't - here's a brief description:

*throbbing head pain
*incredible sensitivity to light
*ANY noise is TOO MUCH
*nausea, nausea and more NAUSEA (sometimes accompanied by actual vomiting)
*hot/cold/hot/cold within seconds
*total body pain (like the flu)

What gets me is that no matter how much it is explained, those who don't have them still refer to migraines as "headaches." They are SO NOT headaches. But if you don't have them, I guess it doesn't make any difference. We all tend to analyze what we don't know by comparing it with what we do know.

So, I had a migraine today. I am one of those people who have had them since back BEFORE there were OTC migraine remedies. So, I remember vividly the days of long, countless hours - sometimes days - in the dark, with a wet towel on my head in complete silence waiting for the anguish to give up - even if just a little.

Now, thanks to Excedrin Migraine, in 30 min. I am almost back to new again. I know, I sound like a commercial. But, it is incredible. Anyway, I don't want to write to advocate one med or another. I just wanted to figure out what G-D wanted me to learn through this...through these.

I guess what hits home the most with me is that I tend to think I can understand someone when they are telling me about their life, their problems, or their situations. Then I immediately try to think of something to help remedy their problems. The fact of the matter is, unless I have personally been through it, how can I really UNDERSTAND another person's experience? Everyone has their own path, their own experiences and who am I to doubt that or to be arrogant enough to think I have seen it all? It gives me a new perspective on compassion....I can't be compassionate because I necessarily identify with their situation, but because I validate their experience and I value them as a person.

So, yeah...migraines....they stink! :o)

YET AGAIN

Do you remember a while back when I wrote about facing a battle? Yeah, I've been facing a giant - yet again. And the funny thing is, at the beginning - when the giant first shows up, there's this outrageous fear and trembling that happens within me. Then, when I get a bit of my sense back, I realize that the trepidation comes from myself. The enemy doesn't make me fearful, I do that alone. So, I just try my best to "suck it up." And at that same moment, I am able to see the true size of the giant - he is nothing compared to my G-D. If I truly trust in the all-powerful, all-present, and all-knowing Creator, the only fear and trembling that I should have is that which belongs to Him. The battle becomes simple, not easy, but simple: I believe, HE conquers and the enemy fails - yet again, and may it always be!

I'm In LOVE!

I guess this should happen more times during the year, but tonight I was able to stop for a few minutes and contemplate just how in love I am:

...in love with my husband
He is truly unlike anyone else I know. He is honest, giving, caring, genuine, fun, dedicated, patient, discerning, loving, compassionate, humble - not necessarily in that order. But I could go on and on. I am most in love with him, though, not because of WHO he is, but because he is who G-D placed in my life to bless me and help me live to please the L-RD and minister to others.

...in love with my daughter
She is my pride. I truly had nothing to call "my own" of which I was truly proud until January 2007. But I want every human on earth to have the privilege of receiving the affection she so freely gives. To see her smile is to see G-D's own peace on earth. To feel her warm embrace is to know what true affection feels like. To experience her, with her warm kisses, her bright eyes, her infectious laugh, her sweet voice, her intelligent interaction is to experience a miracle. She is what we always prayed and pray for: a blessing.

...in love with my friends
I have great friends, probably the best on earth. They have seen me through so much and each one of them deserves a big ol' trophy to sit on the mantle just for putting up with me. I with I had more time to spend with them, but their affection for my husband and daughter fill my heart with peace that I have everything I need in my friends.

...in love with my job
Oh, how I love to say that! I have THE BEST job on earth. I teach private voice lessons as well as helping recording artists in studio and live performers. I LOVE my students, I really, truly do. They are devoted to their art, so I am devoted to them.

...in love with my L-RD
There is no better company to have with my 24-7 than my Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer. HE is worthy of ALL praise - because of WHO He is, because of WHAT He does (and has done) and because of HOW He is able. I am still breathing today because of His deep, devoted love and care for me. I would absolutely give up EVERYTHING and EVERYONE I have in order to have one more day with Him. He is worth the effort to face each day, to face each trial, to cry each tear, to fight each battle, to hold on tight.

...in love with my life
I am much more than blessed...there are no words for the life I live. It far exceeds any novel, any award-winning movie, any fairytale, any fantasy, any ideological life. My life is one of redemption, salvation, sustenance, comfort, compassion, care, peace, and ultimately: love. Not the emotion "love," but the action of "love." I am living proof that you cannot believe what you see, what you hear, what you read of love. I am proof that blessing doesn't only come to the deserving. I am proof that there truly is a G-D and He truly is involved with His creation. There are no explanations for my existence. There is only the miracle of life and love.

I know 2008 (which lies virtually minutes away from me) will not only be granted to me, but will be another wonderful addition to the spectacular miracle I already live. I only pray that those who do not yet know this peaceful hope will come to recognition before time is stopped forevermore.

This time last year, I really had no idea of the goals the L-RD would accomplish in my life. But as each year passes, I get more excited to see the miraculous wonders that only the Living G-D of Israel could accomplish. He is G-D - May His NAME forever be exalted!!!

Let Me Believe!

I don't know if you've even felt this way, but every once in a while, I feel like screaming to all who can hear: "Would you JUST LET ME BELIEVE???!!!"

It seems like so many people are so bent on defending their own theology, justifying their actions and "converting" others to their personal convictions, that they leave little to no room for an individual to come to a personal understanding.

Maybe I do the same thing without meaning to , but I promise you here and now, I DO NOT want to change your mind. Have you questioned something that seems noone else has? Have you felt convicted of something that noone else seems to recognize? Have you studied to be found approved - striving for the goal which is set before you, yet noone else seems to make issue of it? Excellent!

Welcome to the club...we are loners, we are seekers, trying to find our way, not show you yours.

Just please allow me to search out my own beliefs - to test EVERYTHING and hold on to what is GOOD. He who has ears, let him hear.

The Process of Sickness: Part V (Finale: Girl, Interrupted)

First of all, if you haven't seen the movie "Girl, Interrupted," watch it. If you have suffered from, or know someone who has suffered from depression or other mental illnesses, it is quite accurate. If you know nothing of mental illness, please take this movie seriously...it is intense, but very realistic - besides the fact that it is based on a true story.

I had been sick. Since I was a young child, I had battled mental illness. As I understand it from other people who have suffered from major illnesses, I didn't recognize it for many years, until it finally overtook me. In college, I dealt with the "beast" head-on.
And I didn't win, but my G-d did.

During my last semester at college, I was making decisions about where to go. I knew I would be a teacher, but where, when and how was still up in the air. At this point, I really didn't care. I was so excited to be overcoming this illness that nothing really phased me anymore. I applied for at least 75 positions, none of which I got. So, I booked a ticked and planned to go home to Brazil to serve with mom and dad until something popped up. A few weeks before graduation in December, I got a call that a church needed some help, but only to start the following May. That was fine with me - I would just go home and help out for a few months, and then journey back state-side to continue whatever it was G-d had for me.

Those last months of college were so vital to me. I learned a lot of lessons. I learned that I could dream again, just like I did when I was a kid. I learned that if I really trusted G-d and gave Him everything, He would work things out beautifully. I dated a great guy who taught me that not all guys are alike, and there are some out there who can truly love you. Even though we broke up, and I had no stable job, I felt like I was at a beautiful time in my life - a time when I was protected under G-d's wings, loved by the right people, and focused on living and dreaming again.

In January, I was off to Brazil. My first task there was a training clinic where we would help lay-workers to be more efficient and have more resources for their ministries. I taught quite a few classes; music, education, youth....and even helped my mom with a "Love, Dating and Marriage" class. There was a guy in that class, Alessandro - kind of funny. Very smiley, but I thought he was a pain - everybody was always talking to him and paying attention to him instead of the class.

One day, while teaching about how to use the "dating game" as a lesson on waiting for the person G-d has for you, I called up volunteers. Alessandro happened to be standing beside me (by the way, this is on video). I talked about the importance of teaching teenagers not to give into sexual temptation as I had earlier in my life. I taught about how "G-d might have someone for you that you don't even know - could be standing right beside you."

Alessandro was also interested in teaching youth, so he came to my youth seminar. After it was over, he came up, gave me his phone number and said: "If you need any help with your ministry while you are here, just give me a call."

The very next week, we had a tragedy. A guy who worked for us on the boat (ministry boat on the Amazon), who was also the main youth director of the city (also named Alessandro), fell into the river and drowned. He had just talked to me a few days earlier about coming to speak at the next youth rally. But now, everything was up in the air. The city was in shock - no one was expecting this, much less the youth. So, I went to his church, and the first person to come up and meet me was - you guessed it, Alessandro from the training clinic. Come to find out, he and Alessandro were best friends. Alessandro looked at me and said, "We can't let the youth fall into despair, we still have to make this youth rally happen." So, we spent the next week planning. The 2 of us were in charge of the rally. And I had never noticed it before, but when he stood up in front of that huge crowd, G-d opened my eyes and showed me - this was him, the "him" I had been waiting for.

But I had a ticket back to the US for 3 months later. I had a job waiting on me. We prayed, studied, took personality tests and marriage counseling. Yep, we got engaged a few days before I flew out. We were engaged for 4 months (more time apart than when we were together) and I finished the job in the states and flew back to Brazil a week before we got married.
*Now, there is a lot more to this story, but I'll fill you in on that later.*

During those few months, I was being detoxed from all the meds. The doctors wanted to take a chance and see if I could deal with life without all the medication. Detoxing from that much in your system really takes a toll on you. But through it all, I had my parents there, my new found man, ministry, and.....a dream from childhood.....I was called to record my first cd. This is where I realized I had been a Girl, Interrupted.

I had spent so many years of my life worrying about my life, that I wasn't living. I had taken the reigns from my Creator and was attempting to control everything myself. But in the process of finding myself, my love and my dreams, I drove my life into the ground....I was impure sexually, I was mentally ill and I was only able to attempt a career by G-d's grace. But the minute I turned everything over to His command, the interruption ended. I was living again, loving again, ministering again and dreaming again.

So, here I am. At the end of the process, what is left is simply: a girl.
A girl with scars, but alive.
A girl who experiences pain, but lives with love.
A girl with dreams, sometimes interrupted, but always fulfilled.

I am nothing more than you are - a seeker, a traveler, a human.

There is only one reason you are able to read these words -
G-d has kept me here as He has kept You.

You might not want to admit it, or recognize it, or accept it, or give into it - but I have experienced it. It is true. He is real. You can feel Him. You can know Him. Right now, He is with You...waiting for you to stop interrupting what He has planned for you: LIFE!
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"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

The Process of Sickness: Part IV (Death's Door)

There were quite a few episodes where I tried to take my life, but only one made a real impact on me.

Date Unknown, Year 2000, My apartment, 3am, kitchen, alone:

I stood there with a tear-drenched face and a kitchen knife at my stomach. I was so ready to give up and push that sucker as hard as I could. People had prayed for me, spent time and money on me, tried to counsel me, tried to console me, given me meds, given me food......nothing was going to work. I know that now. My idea was that I would free everyone from the burden of me, and allow G-d to take me home (my delusional thoughts of suicide). I thought that if I went to be with Him, that would be the best option for everyone involved. I wanted to push that knife....and I did......

....but it didn't go in. Now I was just mad. I had mustered up enough courage to push and the stupid thing wouldn't go in, so I opened my mouth to scream at Him.....All of a sudden, my knees gave way and I fell hard, kneeling on the linoleum kitchen floor, my mouth opened, but only one word came out of my mouth: "Jesus"..........yeah, that sounds nice, right? One problem: I didn't say that. I didn't want to say that, my mouth did that without my mind's permission. So, I opened my mouth again: "Jesus".....My mind was racing: "What in the heck is wrong with me, that's not what I want to say!" I tried again...."Jesus"....and again "Jesus......I don't know how many times it happened. All I know is that I was no longer in charge. This wasn't about me anymore. I had no control over the knife, my hands, my knees, my mouth....something else, someOne else was in charge now....and the knife fell to the floor as a new river of tears rushed from my eyes. These were not the same tears as before, I can still feel them today...they were not hot angry tears, they were not thick, sticky, sad tears......they were cool, refreshing, cleansing tears.

*Years later, while learning about Jewish tradition and some Hebrew, I discovered the name of Jesus, "Yeshua," which literally translated is "salvation," and proves:
"Therefore GOD exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of "Yeshua," every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Yeshua the Messiah is LORD, to the glory of GOD, the Father." Philippians 2:9-11*

I can't tell you that my life changed from that day. It didn't. It took a long time. I had to drop out of school that semester because I couldn't keep up with classes. I had to leave my position as recording secretary in my sorority (fraternity, technically), and leave the girls hanging. I had to go back home to Brazil. I laid in a bed for a solid month. I'm sure I ate and bathed and all, my parents took great care of me, but I don't remember any of that. All I remember was laying there, watching TV, sleeping and reading my bible. And one day, it came to me, I have to "give" my life to the LORD. I mean really GIVE it to Him. Because it is beyond obvious that I can't do this alone. I can't take care of myself, I can't go to school, I can't face a single person - I can't do any of it. So, if I was supposed to live, then HE would have to live for me. I remember that I sat up in bed, swung my legs over the side and looked down at the floor and said:

"G-d, You have not allowed me what I want - death. You kept me alive and I don't know why. So, here's the deal I am willing to make. If You want me to live, then YOU have to do it all. I mean everything. I don't know how to wake up, when to eat, take a bath or take my meds, how to look people in the face, how not to cry at the drop of a hat, how not to hate myself, how not to kill myself, how to go to class, how to take notes, how to study, how to pass tests....I CAN'T DO IT. But if this is Your doing, and You are who You say You are, then YOU CAN. So, I'm not even going to try. I'm not going to say I can do anything. But if You make me do it, I will. So, if you want me to finish college - I promise you, that no matter what happens and whatever name they put on the diploma, I will know that it is Your name there. You will get ALL the praise and glory, because I know I deserve none. I deserve death, but You won't give me that. So, I give You what little there is left. Do what You want - but YOU DO IT."

And that was it. I knocked on death's door, but it was locked and bolted to me. I got up out of bed, walked out to the living room where my parents were surprised to see me. I looked at them and said, "I'm done. It's time to go back."

I went back to school. Got a job. Got elected as president of the fraternity, even though I had just left them hanging the year before. Took classes. Passed them. Had my senior recital go off without a hitch. Did my internship without fail. I woke up early every morning and drove to the schools I had to work at. Never late. Always bathed, medicated, full and feeling fine. I found a therapist who used scripture to keep me accountable. I got into weight lifting with a personal trainer and swimming lessons with a friend. I got my meds straightened out. But there was one final test before I would be allowed to walk at graduation.

All of the education majors were frustrated. The state board has decided to completely re-vamp the teacher certification exam. And they wouldn't let you take it till your last semester. In other words, if you didn't pass it the first time, you would have to take another semester of school in order to take the test again. Since I was now about a semester behind, people I knew were failing it left and right. There was no way to study for it. No precedents. I had one shot, or else I wouldn't graduate.

It was about a 4-hr long exam. Excruciating. They asked things we had NEVER studied. And they asked details...LOTS of details. I did my best, despite a student I knew from my college trying to cheat off me (she must have been nuts - trying to cheat off the girl who dropped out for mental illness!). About 3 weeks later, a few weeks before graduation, I went down to my mailbox. It was a Saturday morning, there was no one there. My box was on the row closest to the floor, so I knelt down, looked in the box, and there it was...the envelope with my scores.

While I was opening it, I said to G-d: "Here's Your moment."...and looked down in disbelief....I had passed.....with HIGH scores. It was over...finished. Tears of joy filled not only my eyes, but my heart. I thanked Him over and over and over. I had a huge smile and sat there, all alone, on that cold floor, on a Saturday morning realizing my life could now be categorized as a "miracle."

I graduated despite MANY people's disbelief, including my own. I had been ridiculed before as being "mediocre" and "incapable." Now, I was successful. Yet not I, but He who is in me.
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"And we know that in all things GOD works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. "
Romans 8:28

The Process of Sickness - Part III (IT IS HERE)

*I'll start by telling you, "I don't remember." It is important for you to understand, I have lost parts of my memory based on the story you are about to hear. So, it might seem incoherent, obscure and mangled, but it is what it is.*

During my third year in school, I lived alone in my apartment. My friends started noticing something was wrong with me. Sometimes I didn't show up for class. Sometimes I didn't call them. But I was always a bit unpredictable, so no one really said anything. I felt something going on, but I didn't know what it was. I was sad...a LOT. I would cry every time I was alone. I didn't want to go to class. I was getting behind in all my work and feeling pressured, overloaded. Migraines were a norm now. My new couple of friends who lived down the hall would come over to find me vomiting on the floor. I was becoming a recluse and no one knew why, including me.

At the same time, I was good at my own bluff. I was youth/music director for a small church, always preparing and doing stuff with the kids. I pulled my friends in to help and they always said it was a blast. But this thing was tugging at me. During music practice one day, I just broke down. During choir, I would frequently have to excuse myself in crying fits. During concerts, I would sit down among the sea of black performance outfits and huddle into my own mind. During classes, I would keep my head buried in a book or my own notes would drift off into nonsense.

My constant frame of mind consisted of: "I am worthless. I am ugly. I'm in pain. I am useless. I am weak. I can't stop crying. I am dumb. I can't sing. I'm unlovable. I'm sad. I'm a sinner. What's wrong with me? I am losing my mind...." My friends experienced the worst of me - coming over to my place and it would be a wreck; a week's worth of dirty dishes piled up, clothes scattered everywhere and me in a trance on the couch in front of the TV. I didn't know what day it was. Didn't remember if I had slept or eaten or even taken a shower. Sometimes I would do things 3 or 4 times in a row because I couldn't remember if I had already done it. I would either sleep for days at a time, or not sleep at all. I couldn't remember when I had class. I couldn't hardly make myself go when I did remember. I could just imagine everyone looking at me when I walked in - and I just couldn't show my face. I was invited to a very special wedding one weekend, where we had to sit in the front row. At the reception, I found the furthest wall away from the action. I literally glued myself up against it while I shook with fear of every person in that room. My friend was with me who noticed I wasn't well and took me home.

I'll never forget the day that one of my friends became the truest of them all. We were in bowling class together. I was studying for a test for my next class. But I was so stressed out, I couldn't' see the words in the book for all of my tears. "N" came over to me. How I love him for what he was about to do to me. He asked me why I was crying. I told him I was about to fail a test and I couldn't miss any more classes because I had already missed so many. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: "Rachel, you are going to the school's psychologist and I am taking you right now." I was so mad at him at that moment, but he wasn't backing down. He literally dragged me up to the third floor of the student center where everything became clear.

The psychologist gave me a depression test - usually scores can be up to 15 points or so, though a normal score would be 5-10. I scored a 42. He told me I was clinically depressed and needed to be admitted to the diagnostic program of the psychiatric ward in the capital of our state. I refused. I told him I was fine. I had no family anywhere nearby and all I had at school were my friends and I was not about to leave them. So, he forced me to sign a contract that I would continue coming to see him and to seek out medical help to put me on antidepressants.

The next phase is so blurry to me. But what I can tell you is that 3 doctor's were put on my case. They started me with a normal dosage of a light antidepressant. They kept raising the dosage, but nothing happened. They would change me from one to another, raising dosages and eventually started mixing drugs. I became quite familiar with: prozac, wellbutrin, zoloft, serzone and paxil. At one point, I was taking 4 of these at the same time. I gained and lost weight quite regularly. My appetite would increase and decrease daily. And, I started to really lose my memory. The idea of self mutilation and suicide became a constant.

I remember my parents finding out. They came to visit me and I was shaking all over. They went to the psychologist with me and he forced me to show them my forearms which I had cut and scratched and left obvious scars. I remember just becoming even more sad because now I was hurting them too.

I remember being up late at night wondering if this would be the night I would really do it - I would really commit suicide. But most of the time, some friend would come by and distract me with an outing to the mall or to get something to eat.

I remember throwing myself and the feet of my friend - the one who was my twin, the one who I was in love with - and screaming to him to help me. It was raining. He sat on the steps of his dorm praying, while I wallowed in my own tears and the mud in the field in front of him. He left my life at that moment. I know that because he didn't know what to do - so he didn't do anything. Somewhere around that time, we were coming back from an overnight at a friend's house. I drove him back to his dorm. He never spoke to me again. We passed each other by on campus, but never said a word. It was like we had never even met. About a year later, the week before he graduated, he stopped me on the street; said he was sorry. I said OK. And I haven't heard from him since. It has been over 7 years.

I'm sorry I can't give you a complete and detailed story of this time of my life. But that it the point. My secrets had caught up with me. The moment I had always dreaded had come. Now it was out there for everyone to see - I was nothing. I was NOT smart. I was NOT funny. I was NOT spiritual. I was NOT strong. I was NOT lovable. I was not anything I had pretended to be all those years. I had lost control and now my life was quickly spiralling to its end.
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1 Peter 1:6-7 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Yeshua (Jesus) the Messiah is revealed.

The Process of Sin - Part II (In Hiding)

*This is a continuation of the telling of my life story - previous posts in this story can be found from Dec 05-May 06.*

I had made it. It was a tough road, but I graduated High School (the second semester of college) and was now in the groove at my university. My parents were back living overseas and the closest family members I had were states away. But here, I had made some really fun friends. People who were calm, easy-going, not stressed out and just fun to be with. Actually, to me, that in and of itself was a big accomplishment. I had always created so much drama around me and had befriended people who were the same way, that it was nice to be part of this fun-loving group. And I can honestly say, I loved them. I still do. But as comfortable as I was, I was still in hiding. I was hiding a terrible secret. I was definitely hiding it from my family. I was even hiding it from this group of friends. I was trying to hide it from myself. But that moment came every night...when I would lay my head down on my pillow....I ran from this moment.....there were countless nights I wouldn't even allow myself to lay down until I knew I would go straight to sleep....all out of fear of this moment....the moment when the secret came out of the closet in my mind to haunt me.

I had been around the block, so to speak, the first year or so of college. I had some make-out sessions here and there and didn't think much of it. Girls will be girls....I was just being normal, right? I mean, my roomate was talking about marrying her boyfriend. My suitemates were all in relationships. This was just normal.

By my second year, I had found my little, but secure niche. We were a group of 4 - two girls and two guys. We had other friends who we would hang out with from time to time, but we were the core of our group. Three of us were in dorm rooms, so we would always go hang out at our friends' apartments. We were always together. But there was one who I was particularly fond of - in the beginning, it was a sincere and complete friendship. We were 2 peas in a pod. We did EVERYTHING together. We laughed at the same movies, ate the same food, told the same kinds of stories. Sometimes I still cry, remembering how beautiful it was to have such a friendship. But old habits die hard. I started to obsess over something more than a friendship with him.

I knew me. I knew how much I had always longed for affection. The funny thing is, the only time in our relationship that we ever had anything romantic was at the very beginning, the first week we met. But it fizzled out and we recognized how much we just wanted to be friends. I thought I would be ok with that, but living most every moment with this guy was like provoking the "old" me to come out and fight. The "old" me was the one who was sick, who was perverted, who tried to commit suicide at 15 (in my room with a pocket knife). I wasn't that person anymore, I COULDN'T BE that person anymore. I couldn't risk this wonderful friendship for desires of my past. So, I tried to keep silent, but my actions spoke louder. Everyone who knew me, KNEW I was in love with my friend. And I think he knew it too. He just didn't say anything.

I supressed my beast......"NO, I do not want to date my best friend. NO, I do not want to get sad about my life. NO, I do not want to quit living. NO, NO, NO!!!" I tried to beat it down within me. I tried to pray it away. I tried to distract myself with plenty of activities and school. I took up to 21 hours of classes (12 is the minimum, 15 is the norm). I had concerts, recitals, papers, exams. I was strong now.....look where I had come from. "There is NO WAY I am giving into weakness. I am NOT weak!"

Here's where it gets hairy. Here is where my memory starts to fail. Here is where the rubber met the road - life or death - and I couldn't supress it anymore...the secret was coming to the surface and there was nothing I could do to hold it back.
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Ephesians 5:15-16 Be careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

I love those epic movies about some war that had to be fought. All the soldiers go in with their sword and their courage, and the few, strong and brave see it though to the end. I never really stopped to think about the feeling they might have after winning a war. Yeah, you won, good. But in the process, hundreds or thousands of people lost their lives and there is a HUGE mess to be cleaned up. So, was the cause really worth the price? Is the victory worth the battle?

Well, anyway, I just came out on the other side of one of my own battles. It wasn't fought on a grassy knoll with swords or spears. It wasn't against an army of painted warriors. It wasn't really even life or death. It was not funny. It was not within the 20-min time frame. And, I don't want to hit rewind to see it again.

Nonetheless, it was a battle that needed to be fought. I had to muster up enough courage to see it through. And even though I am a little worn and torn, I can confidently tell you: Yes, it was worth the price. When we have to fight against the armies inside of us and inside of relationships we have created, we have to be prepared for a tough battle. Battling ourselves on our own terms with our own acknowledgement is maybe one of the toughest battles there is. Because the enemy doesn't die (at least not yet). The enemy in our minds and will is still there. And we know we will have to face it again. Thankfully, my strength is not my own - it was lovingly loaned to me for such times as these. So, it was worth the price, for the simple fact that I did it. And I am walking away from a bloodied field that will etch itself into my mind for the rest of my life as a reminder to not walk that way again.
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Col. 1:21-23a Once you were alienated from GOD and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Messiah's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation– if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven